For Good

Reflecting on something as gargantuan as The Oprah Winfrey Show is not an easy task. I don't even know how to begin.

Maybe I'll just start with the ending. A very good place to start. The finale aired yesterday, and I was there right at four o'clock, and watched the whole thing, commercials and all. It was funny how many commercials were made specifically for the finale. Even Pixar cut a trailer for Cars that catered to the Oprah audience ("You get new Cars, you get new Cars..."). So, apparently this was a pretty big deal.

Here's the thing, though: as finales go, it sucked. Kind of hardcore.

Certainly, it's not easy to wrap up the previous 4,560 shows during the 4,561st episode. There's a lot to cover. But that's what the show had already been attempting to do this entire season, with all the clip shows and follow-ups and "ultimate" everything. I guess Oprah decided that, after all that hoopla, it made sense for her to take her last hour and just talk to the audience directly, without any distractions.

This show has always been based on Oprah's connection to her audience, so in theory, this wasn't a terrible idea. But it ended up just feeling like a weird commencement address. Now, I didn't go to the big NYU graduation in 2001, but now I feel like I didn't miss a thing. Because Oprah gave me all her life lessons, and now I feel prepared to go out there and grab this world by the horns!

It's About to Be Over

From Oprah.com...

Are you ready? Because I'm certainly not. But then, you know that. Every day, tens of you drop by to see if I've updated after every show (or because you Googled "Oprah's tits," which happens way more then I care to admit), and every day one or two of you (basically Katie and my friend Ashlie) are disappointed to find that I am a slacker. I'd probably be crowned "Oprah's Ultimate Slacker," if she had such a category.

You know that I am not ready to reflect on this season, since I haven't been able to reflect on many of the final episodes. To be fair, I have (mostly) lived up to the "watching" aspect of the title of this blog. In recent weeks, I have only missed the James Frey episodes. And over the course of this season, I'm pretty sure I haven't missed more than five episodes, total. So, yeah, I've been "watching." I just haven't been writing. Which doesn't exactly make for a compelling blog.

I don't know how to truly explain to you how busy I am. I don't have any days off. Ever. Even right now, I should be working, but I felt like I had to write something on the eve of the finale. So I'll just be up even later tonight as a result.

Remember When Ralph Lauren Was On "Friends"? That Was Way Better Than This

Today I watched (listened) to Oprah while I put together my new IKEA desk (that is now sitting in my new "office," otherwise known as our closet). I will let you guess which venture was more entertaining.

All I can tell you is that Oprah kept mentioning that she used to drive by Ralph Lauren's big ranch in Colorado all the time, wishing she could know what it was like on the other side of the fence. She seriously mentioned this drive at least four times during the episode, and acted like it had happened frequently. So now I'm just wondering why Oprah was spending so much damn time in Colorado.

There's nothing else to say. I don't understand these last few episodes. I mean, two of the final episodes were wasted on James Frey. I didn't see them, but I still feel like I can say that it wasn't the right choice for the end. And now Ralph Lauren?

Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm looking for that "wow" factor here in the final week. Oprah better bring it.

Here's What's Happening

Television is still broken. The TiVo was attached to this television, and was not able to record the last four episodes.

We just moved to a new apartment. Movers came yesterday.

I am going to connect the TiVo to the only working television in the house, and starting today it should record normally.

I have not told you about the last nine episodes of Oprah. I managed to watch six of them, but I don't see when I will have any chance to write about them. I'll try, but no promises.

What I want to do now is just start from today and do the last six episodes of the show "live." Meaning I'll watching today's episode and write about it tonight. I think I can handle that for six more days. And if I get some extra hour between now and next Wednesday, I'll try to share my thoughts on the six episodes I've neglected, plus the three I haven't watched (even though that means I'll probably have to illegally download them).

Sorry. This blog is getting to be completely pointless, but I just can't quite justify giving up this close to the end, even if every post from here on out is utter crap.

Don't Call It A Comeback

If a girl gives up on a blog, then watches ten episodes of Oprah in two days in an attempt to catch up, and then decides to start writing again, and she's in a forest or something, does anyone read her?

Only one way to find out.

I guess the real question I should be asking myself is, "What is the thing that I can do to let my courage become an expression of my integrity?"

Kidding. Because I don't know what that means. But some life coach or something did, and she said it to Gayle while trying to get her over her fear of heights. And they showed the clip during one of the ten episodes of the show I watched on Tuesday and Wednesday. Seven on Tuesday, three on Wednesday. And just like that, I'm all caught up. Except that another episode airs in about an hour. God damn it. Will this ever end?

Oh, right. It will. In fifteen episodes, on May 25.

There is no way I can go through and tell you everything about every episode I watched. That was a whole hell of a lot of Oprah to digest in such a short period of time. But it had to be done. I realized that I'm not a quitter, and even though I still have zero time for everything, I have to see this through. It didn't make sense to watch more than 100 episodes of the final season, and then quit with 25 to go.

So here we are. And here's what I watched this week:

• The Hollywood Shocker: From Multi-Millionaire to Mobile Home
• 25 Years of Oprah and Gayle's All-Time Best Adventures
• Chris Rock - The Oprah Show Farewell
• Oprah's Producers Uncensored, Plus Most Memorable Audience Moments
• Hollywood Legend Michael Douglas Plus Nike's Phil Knight
• Turn Back the Clock: Look and Feel 20 Years Younger
• Rob Lowe Opens Up: The Brat Pack, Love, Sex, Scandal, Sobriety
• The Royal Wedding
• President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama
• Back from Betrayal: Shania Twain's First TV Interview
• Oprah Honors American Heroes - The Freedom Riders Reunite

In order, here are my thoughts on each, brief though they may be:

• Boring. Dude still makes a ton of money, and the "trailer" he claims to live in is way bigger and nicer than the apartment in which I currently live. I'm glad he's attempting to give away a lot of his money. I don't know. I guess the guy was nice enough, and he did call Oprah a "drug pusher," because she makes everyone feel good. So that was funny.
• Hilarious. The clips from them in "colonial America" were pretty good. Supposedly this was Gayle's last appearance on the show, and the first time she had ever walked on (instead of already being on stage when the segment started). But I find it hard to believe that she wouldn't come back for the final episode. I'm getting more and more curious as to what we're going to see on May 25.
• All I can remember from this is that watching old clips of Chris Rock on Oprah make it obvious that he's had his teeth fixed at some point in the last fifteen years.
• While I understand it, sometimes it feels a little weird that most of these remaining episodes are essentially clip shows. I guess that's what you have to do when you're winding down, but sometimes it get a little repetitive. Which is why, even after reading the recap, I couldn't think of anything interesting to say about this episode.
• Michael Douglas was boring. And during the Phil Knight segment, all I could feel was jealousy, since I only own three pairs of shoes, none of which are less than a year old. I'm not joking. I really wanted a pair of those Nike Lunarglide IIs that Knight gave Oprah, even though I really think "Lunarglide II" is best reserved for the name of a tampon.
• Eat better, take care of your skin, exercise, and get sleep. So easy, right?
• Rob Lowe is funny, and it seems like his book might actually be interesting. He's probably an okay guy. Not an entirely boring episode.
• I can't believe how excruciating this episode was. I didn't care about the royal wedding in the first place, and an entire episode about it was mind numbing.
• It was weird to watch the Obamas on the show, knowing it had taped the week before Osama was killed, and had aired the day after the announcement of his death. But you know what? Our president and his wife are really likable. Maybe some of you could cut them a break now and then, huh?
• Shania Twain is Canadian. There's a chance I had never actually heard her speaking voice until watching this episode, because I could not get over how Canadian she sounded. That accent drives me bonkers. Also, it's weird that she married the ex-husband of her ex-husband's new wife. Wife swap!
• Yes, I cried. Oprah did, too, when she introduced the 100-something members of the audience who had been part of the infamous "Freedom Rides" in the 1960s. I had only the most rudimentary knowledge of what these people did, and this show had me enthralled. How many of you think you would have had the courage to do what these people did? Oprah says she knows she wouldn't have been able to do it. I'd like to think I would have been brave enough, but it's so hard to say. You should tune in to PBS on May 16 to watch the American Experience episode devoted to this issue. I'm going to do my best to watch.

Only fifteen to go. I can do this.

It's Over

Mrs. Nuccio (don't worry -- you don't know her) told me recently that I was the smartest kid she ever knew. I hadn't seen her since I was eleven years old and on my way to Space Camp, and she came up to me at my sister's wedding last year and told me about all the great things she had assumed I would do with my life.

Then she asked me what I was doing with my life.

At the time, I was unemployed. I had just walked away from everything and everyone I knew, and I was a month into my new life in a new city. I'm sure she left that conversation thinking she had been wrong about her initial assessment of me.

The thing is, she wasn't wrong. I am incredibly smart. And I obviously don't have any difficulty telling you about it. It's not bragging when it's the truth, right? I just happen to be one of those people who hasn't lived up to her potential. And for the time being, it's pretty likely that I will hover in that "below potential" range. That's just the way things go when you get a useless degree and then spend five years not doing a lick of work because someone else is taking care of you. When you do that, it means you're bound to not be able to do exactly what you want to do with your life, and also make a ton of money doing it.

So while I'm thankful that I've found a full-time job that doesn't have me spending my days digging ditches, the compromise is that I have no other time to do anything else. I have to work some hours at a second job, too, and that means that I can't watch Oprah every day. And that means that if I get behind on work, Oprah has to go to the back burner. And before you know it, there are a ton of episodes piled up, and no time in the foreseeable future to either watch or write about them.

Oh, and the television is broken. And I didn't notice until today, so I don't even know if it was able to record this past week's episodes of Oprah. And even if they're recorded, I won't be able to watch them because the picture is so messed up on my television. So I will continue to get further and further behind until at least Wednesday, when Geek Squad is going to figure out what the hell is going on.

And I'm in the process of trying to find a new apartment. It's a long story, but we are leaving our current place by June 1, which means I'll spend the month of May either looking for a new place or moving out of this place and into that new place. The point is, I don't have time.

So, I give up. Yep, just like that. I have so much stress right now, and I can't continue to worry about whether or not I can keep up with this project I should have never started in the first place.

There's a chance I'll watch the finale of the show, assuming I'm not in the process of moving that day. But it's not like I'll have a hard time learning what happened. Something tells me Oprah has a little bit of pull in the media. She's not going out with a whimper.

I, however, am.

Thanks for reading.

Hatchet Wound

A week ago, I had to go to the doctor. The special lady doctor who deals exclusively in vaginas, if you catch my drift. Yeah. You know what I'm saying.

But this visit wasn't for my annual invasive swabbing. No, this time around I had something super awesome for the doctor. A doctor I had never seen before until that day, I might add.

Go do an image search for "Bartholin Gland cyst." Better yet, I'll do one for you. Just click here. I'll wait.

Had enough cartoon images of vaginas, mixed in with a few that are just a little too real? Yeah, me, too. First, let me say that what was happening in my nether regions was not quite as extreme as the "real" pictures on that image search I provided. And it's also possible that I didn't have a Bartholin Gland cyst. Could have been just a normal sebaceous cyst. But it was in that exact location, so I'm painting a nice picture for you.

Size wise, we're talking about something that was about as big as a grape. But that's probably big enough, wouldn't you agree? I mean, I like to think of my vagina as a beautiful, wondrous flower. When you have to start factoring in a foreign object and what fruit it resembles, you're probably not having a great day.

This thing had grown exponentially in the previous few days, from a little tiny zit-like thing, to a raging, angry grape. Walking had become a little difficult, what with the rubbing. So I finally made an appointment, packed my lady in the car (not Katie; I call my vagina "lady" because she's a lady), and went off to meet my doom.

But Katie did come with me.

We had to wait over an hour because some patient of my doctor's was "having a baby" and "ready to deliver any minute." Whatever. This woman should really have thought about how irritating it was for me to have a small lump protruding from my vaginal area.