30-Year-Old Virgins

Meet Shayla, 30, and Carmen, 31. They are virgins. Shayla doesn't want to be a whore like all the women her father dated after her mother died. Carmen is big and fat and doesn't feel good about herself as a result.

They both wrote Oprah, hoping she could help them get some action, I guess. Oprah brought in Dr. Laura Berman, a sex therapist who, coincidentally enough, will have a show on Oprah's new network, OWN, in January.

Shayla was funny. Carmen was just mostly sad, and lacking self-esteem. In fact, everyone was funny, except for Carmen. I mean, Shayla had her moments of sadness, like when Dr. Berman asked her to write letters to her deceased parents. But overall, she was kind of awesome, especially compared to the sad sack that was Carmen. Sorry, Carmen. I'm probably not doing wonders for your self-esteem, huh?

So, you should know that both Shayla and Carmen went on dates, and worked with Dr. Berman for a month, and probably generally feel better about themselves as a result. Except for Carmen, probably. But in looking over my notes for this episode, I realized that I pretty much only wrote down quotes, which means that's what you're going to get: The story of the show, told in a serious of quotes.

Katie, ten minutes into the episode: "This is boring. I thought it was going to be more razzle-dazzle."

Shayla, on how she doesn't know how to masturbate: "There's no course on that...is there?"

Dr. Berman, on why Shayla should masturbate: "How's anyone else gonna like your vulva if you're not familiar with it?"

Katie, after making me pause the episode when Oprah started to talk about masturbation: "We have to have a moment of silence over Oprah stroking her vulva."

Shayla, on why she hadn't masturbated: "Good girls aren't masturbating. Well, they are now."

Oprah, alluding to the sex toy Dr. Berman had given Shayla: "Shayla met one of Dr. Berman's favorite things."

Katie, halfway through the episode: "I rescind the 'razzle-dazzle' comment."

Shayla, after receiving her "homework" from Dr. Berman: "I'm gonna have to masturbate and tell everybody?"

Shayla, talking about how she got herself ready: "I created a little vulva soundtrack."

Oprah, after Shayla said she took herself on a date: "Did y'all have a good time?"


Poor Carmen didn't get the assignment to masturbate, probably because Dr. Berman knew that even Carmen wouldn't want to have sex with Carmen. Instead, Carmen got the somewhat predictable homework of getting a makeover, and then going to talk to the "plus-sized" columnist at Marie Claire magazine.

Bo-ring!

But, that Shayla sure was a hoot, huh?


Monday: Mark Fuhrman talks O.J.

Down-low

Oprah opened this episode by announcing to the audience that six years ago she had a guest who was married to a woman, but was cheating on his wife with...another man! Oh, I hope you heard the gasps from the audience. And I hope you saw the eyes of the one woman they showed in close-up, hands covering her mouth. And Oprah was all, "I know!" And the audience was all, "Shut up!"

And somehow I'm supposed to think it's such a big deal that this dude was getting it on with other dudes. Who cares? The real issue should be that he was cheating, right? No? Am I the only one who thinks that? The cheating is the thing. The gender of the other party should not be the issue.

All right, so way back in April 2004, J.L. King (presumably no relation to Gayle) was on the show, talking about all the guys he was banging outside his marriage. Lots and lots of casual sex with men. But the guy refused to say he was gay. I guess he introduced Oprah (and the world?) to the concept of the "down-low," also known as being "on the DL," which involves a married man having sex with men. I've always known it to be a term in the black community (not that the phenomenon is exclusive to them), but according to today's guests, it applies to all. Fair enough.

So, Oprah introduced King's 2004 segment, then told us he would be back later. But first! Bridget was this awesome professional lady. Then she got married to this guy, John. On the way back from their honeymoon, he got sick and they didn't know what was wrong with him. A few months later, she got sick, too, and ended up being diagnosed with HIV. When Bridget found out, John got tested, and her doctor told her that she gave it to him. There's no explanation of this, but I have no idea how the doctor could just make that assumption.

Bridget had no idea how this happened, but she made the deal with her husband that they would handle it on their own and tell no one. Turns out he was telling his family and friends that she transmitted the disease to him anyway. So she told her brother, and the first thing he did was tell her to ask John how many men he'd slept with; seems like John wasn't on the down-low as much as he thought, I guess. Bridget asked, and John said he had been in relationships with two men. Soon thereafter, Bridget found explicit emails on the computer, written from John to various sexual partners.

Needless to say, these people aren't married anymore. Bridget sued John for $12.5 million, and won, but she hasn't seen a penny, and now she's living on public assistance. John = douche. To say the least.

Multiple Personalities

The first note I wrote down for this episode was, "Maybe I've pointed this out before, but Oprah has some seriously big boobs."

And then this shit got serious, and I stopped making jokes.

When I first saw the promo for this episode a few days ago, I scoffed and declared that I thought multiple personalities were a load of crap. That might have been a little harsh, and it certainly wasn't based on any actual information I possess.

I'm not going to say that an episode of Oprah is enough education to receive on this topic, but I guess there is something to be said for being able to see the human side of a much-maligned disorder. This wasn't The United States of Tara on my television today. And thank god, because I hate that show.

The point is, it wasn't exactly a laughing matter when Oprah re-introduced us to Truddi Chase, who first appeared on the show way back in 1990. She had 92 separate personalities, caused by the sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of her stepfather starting when she was two years old.

Fucked. Up.

In the clip Oprah showed from 1990, she completely broke down while talking to Truddi. Apparently it had something to do with Oprah finally acknowledging her own history of abuse. You don't see Oprah lose it like that these days. I mean, she shed some tears in this episode, but not like she did back in 1990.

Truddi Chase died earlier this year, at the age of 75. Her daughter was the second guest on today's episode, but I didn't think she had all that much to say, so I'm glossing over her.

The bulk of the episode was devoted to Kim Noble, a 49-year old English woman who has 20 personalities. And a 13-year old daughter. "Patricia" is the dominant personality, though others have been dominant at different times in the past. Kim is sometimes a deeply religious woman named Salome, sometimes a doting mother named Bonny, sometimes a gay man (go figure) named Ken, and many more.

At one point, they did an interview (a taped piece) with Kim in which she switched between personalities. I guess what I don't understand is how she's able to control it for the cameras, but not when it matters in real life.

Martha Stewart

First it was J.K. Rowling. Now it's Martha Stewart. Oprah sure does love these entrepreneurial billionaire chicks.

I wonder what she'd think of me, sitting in bed with my computer at 11:30 at night, eating directly from a box of Frosted Flakes as I write this post. "Warrior woman," indeed.

You may be surprised to learn that I know a shit-ton about one Ms. Martha Stewart. In my previous relationship, Martha's show was a religious experience, so I rolled my eyes through many an episode. Perhaps you've read enough about me to know that the crafting and cooking worlds do not interest me in the slightest.

I don't dislike Martha Stewart. It's just that we have nothing in common. But I appreciate her for being a tough woman who started from nothing and is now the "queen of fine living." She's a self-made woman, if you will. And you certainly don't hear that term enough. If ever.

Frosted Flakes make your fingers really sticky. I just need you to know that.

My favorite part of the episode came right at the very beginning, when Oprah asked Martha if she got her (Oprah's) letters in prison. Martha has been out for five years, and Oprah just now thought of checking on the reliability of the mail service to a penitentiary. Way to follow up, Opes. Martha told Oprah that she got her "little notes," which I thought might have been a dig. If so, way to go, Martha.

This season I've noticed that Oprah likes to show people old pictures of themselves, then ask them what they would tell that younger version. She did it with the "age and beauty" episode, and she did it again with Martha today. I wondered why, but then there was an Oprah/Dove promo toward the end of today's episode, asking what you wish you would have known at the age of thirteen. So perhaps there's a tie-in. It's an interesting question. What would I go back and tell this girl?

Joke answer: Don't look so happy about getting those in-line skates for Christmas. You'll only use them maybe five more times in your life, the last time coming when you skate to work in Manhattan when you're 20, and you nearly get hit by several cars, and then bite it on a crack in the sidewalk and end up shredding off half the skin on your knee. Return them.

Serious answer: Love on your dog, Data, as much as you can in the next few months, because you're going to miss the hell out of her when she's gone. And stop worrying so much. Life is going to suck, and then get better, and then suck again. But it's best to believe that it will always come around to that better side eventually.

10/5/10 -- Ultimate Amazing Animals

When I started recording the show, Oprah was in the middle of talking to some people who own some sort of miniature horse named Einstein. All I gathered from this is that she was talking to some rich people with too much time on their hands. The evidence? This damn horse has two nannies.

The show moved on to slightly more interesting stories, like a dolphin with a prosthetic tail who inspired a little girl to not be ashamed of her hearing aid, or the story of some dogs that attacked a suicide bomber in Afghanistan, saving the lives of many American soldiers. One of those dogs died, and the other two were adopted by soldiers. And yes, I teared up during this one.

You know why? Because I miss my dog. So much. I talk about her on my other blog, but since Oprah made such a big deal about animal adoption on yesterday's show, it only seems appropriate to show you the before and after of my pup, Jack (a girl). The "before" is the first picture taken of her when she arrived at the Pasadena Humane Society.  The "after" is what I call her school picture, taken in June 2008.

She weighs just under six pounds, and she is five and a half years old. And, I think you'll agree, ridiculously adorable.

Adopt a dog, everyone. It'll be the best decision you ever make.

I'm sorry, but this show just wasn't that interesting. Everyone knows puppy mills are bad, everyone has seen the video of that dog Faith who walks on her hind legs, and everyone who watches this show knows that Oprah loves cocker spaniels.

So I'll leave you with a quote, said by Katie's mom on Saturday night. We mentioned that J.K. Rowling was on Friday's show, and Heather said, "Yeah, I watched a little of that at the gym. But then I finally just closed my eyes."

Which is, of course, something I wish I could do. But you've seen the title of the blog, right?


Today, Martha Stewart is on the show. And I'll be watching. Eyes wide open.


Oh, and I know you probably think I should be looking up the first half of this episode and watching it, since I did promise to watch every episode of the show. And if the DVR hadn't recorded any of this episode, I would go find it online. But since I was able to watch part of it, I think that counts. Yes, I'm making up the rules as I go along, but it's my blog, so I can do whatever I want.

Technical Difficulties

This afternoon at 4:25, I happened to glance up at my DVR, only to realize that the little red "record" light wasn't lit. For reasons still unknown, the stupid thing had decided not to record Oprah today. I, of course, panicked, but managed to get and manually set the record.

OMG. What would have happened if I had never noticed at all?

I was planning to watch what I have, but Katie came home from work with an injured leg, so life took priority. I'll watch as soon as I get up in the morning, and write a post as soon as possible, so please try to hang on until then.

I'm sorry. I know you're dying, just like I am, to know exactly what happened in this "Ultimate Amazing Animals" episode.

J.K. Rowling

Normally I take notes in my Ope-book while I watch the show in the early evening, and then I write the actual post at night, just before I go to bed.

I'm not doing that today, because it's Friday. And it's not like I have some big party plans or something, but I don't want Oprah to take away from catching up on episodes of 30 Rock and The Office and doing crossword puzzles in bed with Katie. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

So, it's 4:47 pm here, which means Oprah has been on for 47 minutes. Katie will be home in about 90 minutes, and she deserves to not have to watch the show today. So I'm going to keep the computer in front of me and write what I think as it happens. 

Which means you're almost guaranteed to be bored by this one. Except it'll probably be short, because it's J.K. Rowling and I really, really don't care. I read the first four Harry Potter books out of a sense of obligation, and I guess they're okay. But they're no A Wrinkle in Time or Bridge to Terabithia, which are two of the best children's books I've ever read.

But, hey, the world loves Rowling's work. So let's all sit back and watch two billionaires talk to each other, shall we?

When Oprah says to Rowling, "This is the first time we've met," I literally believe that Oprah walked on to the set right before the cameras started rolling and said, "Let's do this."

Oprah reads us the last page of the final Harry Potter book. That seems a bit rude.

But, the final book ends with "all is well," which is how Katie ended these little books she wrote when she was a kid. So that's kind of adorable.

Oprah doesn't appear to be wearing Louboutins today, so Rowling is picking up that slack. Jesus, these are some rich women.

Oprah feels the need to tell Rowling (but probably more likely the American public) that in America we call queues "lines." Listen, Opes. Her country invented the language. Let's give the woman a break. Also, let's give your audience a bit more credit. Are most Americans watching this and assuming that there were a bunch of, I don't know, felt letters on the sidewalk outside the Barnes and Noble at her Rowling's first book signing, like it was an extreme episode of Sesame Street? 

Nevermind. Most Americans are pretty stupid, so Oprah is probably correct to explain what "queue" means. She should probably spell it for them, too, frankly.

Rowling and I have at least one thing in common: We both have always wanted to be writers. But I'm pretty sure she knows that she'll be able to pay her rent next month, so that's where our lives start to diverge.

Shit. You guys? Rowling doesn't believe magic is real. She just dropped that so casually into a sentence, and I believe I heard hearts breaking all across the land.