The Only Way In Which Liz Lemon and I Are Different

I really don't like this habit I've gotten into of not writing about the show until a week's worth of episodes has aired. I lose track of whatever it was that I wanted to write about in the first place, and I'm stuck staring at the "past shows" page on Oprah's website, trying to come up with witty repartee about five hours of a daytime talk show. I know it's pretty late to be asking this question, but exactly why did I decide to take on this project?

On Tuesday, Katie and I watched Monday's episode, which featured Roseanne Barr. Then we didn't watch a single other episode until Saturday afternoon, when we decided to just make it an Oprah marathon, and we crammed in those final four episodes. Yes, that is how we spend Saturday nights. Well, when we're not at Office Depot buying new pens so we can keep working on our New York Times Sunday Crossword Omnibus.

Yes, that's how we spent last Saturday night.

I told Katie that we would be spending our afternoon "Ope-ing," and then during the marathon, I sent her a text (yes, she was right next to me on the couch; shut up--it's cute) saying, "Thanks for Ope-ing with me." She responded, "It makes me Ope-ful."

We are geniuses with the wordplay, folks.

On Thursday night's episode of 30 Rock, Liz Lemon was very excited about something and explained, "My heart's pounding like I'm watching Oprah's Farewell Season."

While I can't claim that watching this show has made my heart pound in excitement, I will say that I've broken out in a nervous sweat more than once over the prospect of having to write about all these episodes. But I'm doing it. We're chugging right along.

Also, do you think Tina Fey was giving me a shout-out with that line? I mean, she did say, "...like I'm watching Oprah's..."

Seems pretty obvious to me.

Roseanne was, surprisingly, mostly boring. She lives on a nut farm now and has some grandkids, and her controversial self seems long gone. She's still outspoken, but just not really that interesting. She thought Oprah had been mad at her because Roseanne didn't like that Oprah picked Obama over Hillary Clinton. Oprah, not surprisingly, had never given two shits about what Roseanne said, and so was never angry over the "situation."

That, and the fact that Roseanne's black sheep was named "Roseanne," is the only thing I remember from the episode.



I thought Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher would be boring, but it turns out that was probably the best episode of the week. Debbie Reynolds was hilarious when talking about Carrie's father, Eddie, who left Reynolds to go shtup Elizabeth Taylor. I laughed a bunch during the episode, and Oprah did, too. When Debbie spoke about the prostitutes posing as manicurists who would show up at the house to service her second husband, Oprah said, "Did they come frequently?" Carrie Fisher echoed my response exactly when she said, "So to speak," and Oprah about wet her pants laughing. And, in a clip from her one-woman show, Carrie said that Eddie had gone to comfort the recently widowed Elizabeth Taylor with his penis. They cut back to the live shot, and Reynolds was indicating with the space between her index finger and thumb that Eddie might not have been such a comfort to Taylor after all. Oprah was beside herself, just uncontrollably laughing.

If you're wondering when I like Oprah the most, it's in moments like that. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: she's best when she's just being real. Whether she's walking around without makeup while camping, or laughing at small penis jokes, Oprah is the most charismatic and magnetic when she's being a normal human being.

I did cringe a bit when Debbie and Carrie sang a little number together at the end of the episode, but I'll forgive them for that one.

Wednesday's episode was truly strange and awkward. Apparently a decade ago, a woman named Iyanla Vanzant was sort of a Dr. Phil character on Oprah. I guess Dr. Phil was on at the same time, so I'm not exactly sure how they differed, but whatever. Iyanla wanted her own show, Barbara Walters offered one, and Iyanla tried to get Oprah to agree to make an Iyanla show first. Instead, Oprah said, "See ya," and let Iyanla walk. Iyanla says she wasn't trying to give Oprah an ultimatum, and Oprah says she was just trying to give Iyanla what she wanted.

And apparently, they both thought it would be awesome to subject the audience to this rehashing of personal problems for a full hour. They seriously just said the same things over and over again, and Iyanla came out looking like a total fucking fruitcake. I don't blame Oprah for letting that kind of crazy go off with Ms. Walters. This episode made me so uncomfortable, and I thought it was such a strange waste of a Farewell Season episode, but guess what? Part two of the Iyanla episode airs this Wednesday. So, so weird. Are they preparing us for the fact that Iyanla will now have a show on OWN?

Oh, and Iyanla mentioned getting her first royalty check from doing Oprah, and it was for over one million dollars.

Oprah, seriously, let's talk. I am less crazy, and I am willing to negotiate a deal that won't cost Harpo that much money.

I didn't include this when I originally wrote the post, but Katie has given me permission to share a text she sent me during the Iyanla episode. This should about sum it all up for you:

"Remember that one time when I ate something spicy and then pooped lava flows full of blow torches and wept on the toilet? This episode is more uncomfortable than that."

So, there you go.

Thursday's episode was about people's secret lives or something. I don't know; it was one of those sort of of hodgepodge episodes that seems only loosely thematically connected. There was a ballerina who let us see what her life is really like, and a "beautiful" supermodel who is actually a man, complete with (for now) a functioning penis. But the only part worth mentioning was the lady who lived like a poor person for a week, even though she's a millionaire, and volunteered at this place called "Love Kitchen." Love Kitchen is essentially a soup kitchen started by twin sisters Ellen and Helen, who are now 82 years old. Each week, they serve more than 2000 meals. And they are downright adorable. I choked up more than once during their story, especially when the millionaire lady gave them $20,000. Their reactions were priceless. And then they were on the Oprah stage, and Oprah said she had a surprise for them. One of them said, "You gonna come down and cook for us?" That got Oprah giggling, but then she got serious and announced that Kroger had agreed to donate a year's supply of groceries to the kitchen. That was awesome. And on the way to commercial, when we couldn't hear what was being said, one of the twins said something to Oprah that got her laughing all over again. I would really like to know what happened there.

If you would like to learn how to donate to Love Kitchen, click here.

And finally, Friday's episode. Basically, this kid named Zach has some sort of sensory disorder, and it makes him fly into rages and try to kill his mom. I felt really bad for the kid, but mostly I spent the episode trying to convince Katie (and myself) that Merritt's little tantrums are nothing compared to what this kid would do. Zach is definitely seeing some hippie therapist, but the concept of surrounding himself with "white light" to fight off the "negative energies" seems to be working to keep him calm, so more power to him. I worry what will happen when his hormones start raging at puberty (he's ten years old now), but I hope this white light thing will keep him on the right path.

I swear, I will try my best to keep up with the show this week, lest I lose my last twelve readers.


Monday: the woman who is French Canadian, really skinny, and the best singer in the world.