1/13/11 -- Five Things You Need to Do in 2011

So, after almost two weeks without a new episode, this is what we get? Really? Come on, Opes. I realize that you're probably saving the big stuff for when all the Australia episodes start next Tuesday, but I was hoping for a little more than this.

I'll just break this down for you quickly. Here are the five things Oprah thinks you need to do this year:

1. Know your five lifesaving numbers: blood pressure, waist size, weight, cholesterol, fasting blood sugar.
2. Know five weight loss secrets: have a clear vision of what you want, convince yourself that you are deserving, identify the biggest barriers, break through the barriers, put yourself first.
3. Know five clutter traps in your home: kitchen, closet, bedroom, bathroom, family room laundry room.

I understand the theme, but that is a list of three. Wouldn't it have made more sense, if you're going to call it "Five Things You Need to Do in 2011," if the episode consisted of five categories, perhaps with each having five items? 

I guess I'll reluctantly forgive them for only having three categories, since at least each one had five items.  Except, wait. For the clutter traps, there are six rooms listed. So, there goes that my leniency. 

And that forgiveness really went out the window once we got to the tail end of the show, which featured "7 Fashion Must-Haves." 

Nobody knows what they're doing over there at Oprah. That's clear to me now.

I suppose Dr. Oz gave some helpful tips, along with some ridiculous demonstrations of what happens to your arteries when you have high blood pressure. But, really, if you needed Oprah and Dr. Oz to tell you that it's good to know your cholesterol and blood pressure, that's a problem.

And Bob Greene just gave us a lot of gibberish. You know what people are looking for when you tell them they're going to get "weight loss secrets"? How about some practical food and/or fitness tips? No, you're right. What people really need is to be told to "break through the barriers." Because that's not abstract or anything. This is what a friend of mine would call "touchy-feely" advice. And I tell you, I will not stand for it.

I barely paid attention during the "clutter traps" section. Some Australian guy told us to not be messy, and to go to The Container Store to get organized. Then the whole audience got a $100 gift card to the store. The end.

You may sense a bit of complaining in this post, but you ain't seen nothing yet. Friday's episode is Suze Orman talking to the "Octomom." I need you all to know that lately I have seriously been considering giving up this project, simply because my life has become much more chaotic in the last month or so. And episodes like Friday's are enough to push me over the edge. I am going to pick up Merritt at 2:30, and given the drive time on a Friday, I can't even guarantee I'll be back by 4:00, when Oprah begins. But knowing that I'll have to stare at a moron with disgusting lips for the whole hour is not going to make me entirely eager to break the speed limit, if you catch my drift.