Four Episodes at Once

Here's how we could sum up the four episodes that aired Tuesday-Friday of this past week: gay, happy, sad, gay/happy/sad.

But I committed to this project, and though it was never specified that I would give you more than one-word takes on episodes, I think it was implied. And, frankly, I'm better than that. So let's do this.


Gay Tuesday: This kind of episode is what makes me certain that Oprah is not gay. I just don't believe that someone would make this effort (25 years' worth) to make it clear that she supports gay people, wants them to come out, wants everyone to come to the realization that being gay is okay, if she were herself gay. It just doesn't make sense. Preachers who rail against homosexuality, only to be caught in the closet going down on the lawn boy, make sense to me, because the lady doth protest too much, you know? Oprah being gay just doesn't work. I believe if she were gay, she would have come out long ago.

But, man, that sure would make for a hell of a final line on the final show later this year, huh? All I'm saying is think about it, Opes.

We got some clips of Greg Louganis on the show back in 1995, and then he was there on Tuesday, mostly to reach out to a young man who found the courage to come out because of Louganis. Nice, I guess, but not engrossing television. I was more interested in Chris and Joe, a couple that had been married, until Chris came out of the closet and told her husband Joe that she was gay. And then Joe said, "Good, because so am I." Quite the story, but I was most interested to see how their sons were adjusting. The answer is, not surprisingly, they're doing just fine.

Turns out that the story of Joe and Chris left one viewer skeptical, until that viewer met a chick she liked, and fell in love. Then she had to tell her husband, and it turns out he was gay, too. This shit is becoming an epidemic, I tell you.



Mostly, I just spent that part of the episode making jokes with Katie about whether she thinks her ex-husband is also gay. Because then they could get on Oprah!

There was an update on the gay Indian prince, and then an update on some chick and her mother who had issues when the daughter came out of the closet, but at that point in the episode, Katie decided she was bored, and became quite the distraction, what with her constant jabbering about loving and missing me while she was at work all day, and blah, blah, blah.


Happy Wednesday: I'm not spending any time on this. Goldie Hawn came on the show to talk about the idea of happiness, and the audience took a quiz. Then there was some expert on happiness. It was boring. All I really remember is that these rich people were telling me that money can't buy happiness, and that a family of four only needs $75,000/year to be truly happy. I would be extremely happy if I had that much in a year, but I'm sure most of the viewing audience thought that was a pretty low number. Oprah did, too, but that's probably only because she supports several families, and those whores be demanding a lot more than $75,000/year.

I just can't listen to Oprah during shows like this, because it's easy for someone with money to tell me that money won't make me happier. I don't think money necessarily buys happiness, but I do know that my only source of "unhappiness" (if you can even call it that) comes from stressing about being able to pay the bills every month. If I didn't have to worry about that as much, I guarantee you I would be a happier person. And I am speaking as a person who, roughly one year ago, would have been considered a member of the upper middle class, if not the lower upper class. Today, I'm just a member of the lower lower class. So I gots me some experience on both sides of that fence. Take that, Goldie Hawn.


Sad Thursday: Tom Brokaw and Bob Woodward want us all to realize that there are many military families in this country who are dealing with either the loss of a loved one, or the severe injury of a loved one. This was just plain sad. Oprah did the episode because she realized that she doesn't know anyone fighting in the current war. So she featured several families facing the realities of war, including one wife dealing with her husband who was severely brain damaged by an IED, and a mother who travels several times a year to Arlington to visit her son's grave.

This one was, in a word, heartbreaking. I choked up during the segment about the family with the injured solider, and then I let the tears fall when the mother read "Corduroy" to her son's grave.

My dad was an Air Force test pilot, so I grew up on bases and surrounded by military people. My brother is a Marine, one of my best friends from high school (my prom date, actually) is an Army officer, another best friend from high school is married to a now retired Air Force ordnance disposal guy who was deployed more than once. So, unlike Oprah, I have some horses in this race.

I am also vehemently opposed to this war. But unlike what many Republicans would have you believe, being opposed to the war does not make one opposed to the troops. I've always said that anti-war folk are even more pro-troops, because they're interested in actually keeping the troops alive and safe, as opposed to letting them die for a ridiculous "cause."

I don't know my point here, except to say that we should all do more than we're currently doing for our returning troops and for the families that have been fractured by war. Michelle Obama came on the show toward the end, surprising the audience, and she and Oprah chatted about what people can do to help. If you're interested, visit www.serve.gov to find volunteer opportunities in your area.


Gay/Happy/Sad Friday: This one covered the whole range of emotions from the week, as Oprah looked back on some of her most memorable couples. This one time Fran Drescher married a guy, and later it turned out he was gay. But they're happy now, and they're working together, and everything's fine.

The rest of the episode was just devoted to couples who were once on the show. You're welcome to go to Oprah's site to read the recap of the episode, because it's just not worth it to me. I guess I laughed a few times, and a few things were a little sad (but not much), but there just wasn't anything in particular about which I had a strong opinion one way or the other.

By my count, that's 71 episodes down, and 59 to go (assuming my original count of 130 is accurate). Really, who ever thought I would make it this far?


Monday: stuff about former Oscar winners and current nominees