Last Monday's episode began with Oprah refreshing our memories about the Australia giveaway. After we saw that footage, Oprah acknowledged that her method of telling! people! they're! going! to! Australia! made her a parody of herself. It's sort of funny when she recognizes those things.
So, staying with the Aussie connection, it was time for Keith Urban. Who I am convinced is actually a woman. Seriously, what is with that haircut? I'm starting to believe that he keeps a constant five o'clock shadow in an effort to not be called "ma'am" when he goes through security at the airport. This is, I guess, a metrosexual look, but it's sort of bordering on the "homo" end of that spectrum.
Once upon a time, Keith Urban had a substance abuse problem. When Oprah asked what "substance" was the problem, Urban's answer was, "alcohol and cocaine." Katie's answer, which proved that I wasn't the only one thinking that Urban is just waiting to come out of the closet: "Sex with men."
"But Erin," you'll say. "He's married to Nicole Kidman!" Right. And it's never been suggested that she was a beard for a popular entertainer who is attempting to hide his sexuality.
Anyway, love (and rehab) saved Urban from himself. He fell in love with Kidman. At one point, he asked her how her heart was, and she replied, "open." And that got him thinking about whether his heart was open. Oprah interrupted to explain to him what he meant to say (but didn't get to because she interrupted), telling all of us that her definition of spirituality is "an open heart." So that must mean she really loves Jane Seymour and the folks over at Kay Jewelers, huh? Look, Oprah! It's your spirituality...in necklace form!
Kidman ended up staging an intervention for Urban, and he went to rehab that very night, and has been clean for the last four years. Now he's ready for love and whatever comes with it, and he's open and vulnerable and sensitive. He even wrote a lovely note to Kidman in the liner notes of his new album, which Oprah strong-armed him in to reading. He got all shy about it, as though the liner notes of an album that will sell millions (but exclusively at Target!) is supposed to be private. Then he read it, and it was nice, and he got all weepy.
In both the interview and in stock photos of Urban that the show put together, I learned one thing: Urban rather enjoys wearing button-down shirts, emphasis on the button down aspect of those babies. Where most men might go for one or two, Urban throws caution to the wind and basically tells shirt manufacturers everywhere that those top three buttons are for sissies, and he will be having none of that.
Urban departed, and Kidman arrived. No couples interview for these two. Oprah began Kidman's segment by gushing over the thing in the liner notes, saying, "We all want a man to write us in the jacket cover and to say those words." Uh, no. We all don't. Then Oprah proceeded to read the whole thing again, and this time Kidman got weepy.
Apparently, after Oprah saw The Hours, she called Kidman and told her she would win the Oscar. Kidman knew then what I have only recently learned: If Oprah says it, that shit is coming true.
Oprah talked a lot about the child Kidman has with Urban, asking her about her "favorite mother/daughter day" and the like, and Kidman was all too happy to talk about her child. As she should be. But it seemed very much like she was speaking as though her daughter is an only child. Kidman adopted two children with Tom Cruise. It might have been nice for her to acknowledge that having Sunday Rose did not make her a mother for the first time.
More about Australia, as some woman from an Australian affiliate did a piece to show how crazy the Aussies are for Oprah's arrival. And I guess Oprah is doing a real show (or shows) down there? In two weeks? At the Sydney Opera House? I'm not joking when I say I've seen zero promotion about this thing coming down the pike, so I'm a little confused. And it's not like I've missed an episode. Regardless, this Australia stuff is going to be insane.
A woman in the audience named Jessica Stadler has had an Australian pen pal named Nyree for the last decade, since both were children. They've never met in person, and wouldn't you know it, Nyree was backpacking around Europe at the time of this taping. So the show tracked her down for an interview, and it was sweet. But this is Oprah, so we all knew better. Nyree was in Europe, but Oprah pulled her out of there, and flew her to Chicago to surprise Jessica. And then Oprah surprised both of them by giving Jessica a trip to Australia so she can attend Nyree's wedding next year.
The Australian affiliate chick did another piece about the Australian lingo that Oprah needs to learn. Blokes, Sheilas, barbies. Most of us have heard this stuff before. What I bet you didn't know is that Aussies call McDonald's "Maccas." And that, in case she hadn't already done it before, Oprah has now completely sold out. Because after this package aired, she hyped up some wrap that they only serve in Australia, along with fruit smoothies you can get in the U.S., and then a damn McDonald's crew brought out the items for everyone in the audience. And then even Oprah took a big ol' bite of a wrap, right before giving everyone in the audience a $25 gift card to one of the most disgusting places in the world. Truly gross, Opes.
Urban performed his new song, "Put You In A Song," with Oprah and Nicole in the front row. And he did it while wearing a purple v-neck t-shirt. Listen, Keith, I was mostly joking about the whole closeted gay thing earlier in this post, but that shirt is not helping your case.
Finally, Oprah had told the audience at the beginning of the episode that she had room for one more person (and a guest) on the flight to Australia, and that one lucky audience member would be that person. All the names were in a hat, and Kidman drew a name, then handed it to Urban to read. So, congratulations, Michelle Brian. Hope you enjoy Australia.
Oh, and the studio audience should enjoy the new phone Oprah provided them. A Motorola Defy from T-Mobile.
Next: Michael Jackson's Controversial New Album, plus Jonathan Franzen
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