Age and Beauty

Teri Hatcher. Cybill Shepherd. Linda Evans. A town hall meeting. Minus the town. And the meeting. I mean, there was a meeting, but only between Oprah, Teri and Cybill. The audience (or the "town," in my super awesome analogy) never got to make a sound. Except for this time at the end of the episode when Oprah did her classic, "Wouldn't you agree, audience?" and the audience was obligated to applaud.

Breaking news from Oprah, everyone.  Women feel bad about themselves because they can't live up to the Hollywood standard of beauty. And these aging beauties are here to tell you about how hard it is for them to live up to those same standards, even as the images of them and others like them are what cause the problem in the first place. Are you following me?

Good, because I'm conflicted. On the one hand, I'm all about what the women were saying in today's episode. Yes, women are objectified and judged on their looks, and the airbrushed, enhanced photos of celebrities and models do nothing but consistently impede an average woman's chance of feeling good about herself. There is an absolute problem when women are starving themselves or resorting to plastic surgery just so they can live up to these impossible standards.

On the other hand, I think all of this is really easy to say when you're Teri Hatcher or Cybill Shepherd or Linda Evans, all of whom are paid primarily for their looks. It's one thing to ask, as Hatcher did, "What is more beautiful than realizing you are?" when you're a knockout; it's quite another to come to that conclusion when you have a face like a foot. And it's weird that "foot" line came to me, since I borrowed it from Martha Plimpton, who said it in a documentary on this exact topic, Searching for Debra Winger, when she was describing what leading men are allowed to look like, while women are held to an ever-increasing standard of beauty.

And on yet another hand (yes, I'll admit it: I have three hands, which means I'm clearly not living up to anyone's ideal of beauty), I sat there watching the show today, completely judging these women by their looks. A young Cybill Shepherd is a pretty good definition of beauty, but neither Teri Hatcher nor Linda Evans have ever done anything for me. I guess I know that they are attractive, though I am not in any way attracted to them. But it must say something about mindsets and stereotypes that I was so willing to immediately point out that I'm certain that Teri Hatcher has had more than just Botox, despite her claims to the contrary.

Modern Families

So, Christine and Lisa are lesbians. They have two children, carried by Lisa, and fathered by Christine. How? Well, Christine used to be Chris, a macho Navy flight surgeon (I mean, as macho as men in the Navy can be; can you tell I was an Air Force brat?), but transitioned into a female about a decade ago. She had the foresight to freeze her sperm, which means she could be the biological parent of her children. And I'll just speak as a lesbian here and say that's pretty awesome. One of the worst things about being in a gay relationship is knowing that it's scientifically impossible to have a child that biologically belongs to both parties. You can get close, with family members donating sperm, but it's still not quite the same thing. Seems like Christine found a loophole. Good for her.

Let me just tell you something, guys: Oprah likes her a transgendered story. She was seriously giddy throughout the whole segment, which was a little weird, but I guess it's better than her being disgusted by it.

You might assume I have a lot to say on this particular subject, but I really don't. Christine and Lisa seem like good people. Christine is a doctor. They both seem like attentive, loving parents. What else do children need? Christine and Lisa found a way to make a family, and no one should begrudge them that joy. Of course, I'm sure plenty of people have and/or will give them shit for the path they've taken in life, but they seem well-adjusted enough to know better than to listen to bigots.

My only issue with Christine came when she talked about how "becoming a lesbian" was harder than becoming a woman. I don't love her terminology there, since I tend to believe that one is born gay or straight. And in Christine's case, she took a circuitous route to get here, but she was still born this way. She speaks about not fitting into the "lesbian culture," because she's more of a "girly girl." These are fairly offensive things to say. I know there are stereotypes out there of lesbians being super butch women. And Ellen DeGeneres certainly does nothing to dissuade people from that picture of what a lesbian looks like. And I've seen k.d. Lang in concert, and it scared me. So I get it. But I've also seen Ellen's wife. And I also realize I am not the girliest of girls, but I know I'm girlier than some straight women I know. And Katie is definitely girly. The point is, there are woman on all parts of the spectrum, whether they're gay or straight. So let's not stereotype from within, please. We get enough from the outside.

And Christine? Not having long fingernails is not really a butch/femme issue for lesbians. At least not most of the time. It's more of a...practical/pain management thing. If you catch my drift.

McCarthyisms and Obviously Gay Dudes

At 3:18 this afternoon, 42 minutes before Oprah aired here in Portland, I received this text from my friend Ashlie:

Jenny McCarthy is full of crap.

And that's how I knew what I'd be in for with the show today. Not that I couldn't have already guessed what my reaction would be to a show featuring Jenny McCarthy and Terry McMillan, both of whom were promoting new books (I guess we'll call this Oprah's Guilty Pleasure Book Club or something).

Ashlie and I have been friends for nearly fifteen years. I really doubt we've ever watched an episode of Oprah together, and I can't even remember a time we would have discussed the show (or the woman) in the last decade and a half. But now we've exchanged texts and even a phone call on the subject. Oprah changes people. I see that now.

The one thing you really need to know about Oprah is that today she was wearing some sort of glittery...vest? I'm not entirely sure what it was, but it was special.

After watching McCarthy for only a few minutes today, I knew why Oprah seems to like her so much. Just like The Judds, McCarthy speaks Oprah's language. Lots of gibberish about her "authentic self," and how after she broke up with Jim Carrey she realized that "[she] is the love of her life." And some nonsense about being a "visual person" who saw the relationship as lessons learned, represented by sand pouring through an hourglass. The hourglass in her mind. I'll leave you to guess whether Oprah was suitably impressed with this personal journey.

I was surprised by a few things in this segment. One, apparently Oprah emailed McCarthy to check on her after the breakup with Carrey was announced. That's weird. Oprah and Jenny email each other? Two, McCarthy has done something to her face. I don't know if it's cheek implants or what, but something is going on there. Three, McCarthy used to (and perhaps still does) keep her bush au naturel. How do I know that? Because she told a story about how the makeup artist on her first (and only? I don't know) Playboy shoot had to actually brush her pubes to get them under control.

Yes, I do believe McCarthy just classed up this joint.

9/27/10 -- Celebrity Dream Jobs

This is the type of episode of Oprah that I just don't understand. I mean, this was mind-numbing. I hate that I've taken on the role of cynic here, but...okay, actually I don't hate it. I kind of like it. But I guess it could get boring after a while. I just don't know any other way to view this episode.

And here's why: The problem of showcasing celebrities and their dream jobs is that it's just so condescending. Oh, I'm Tony Danza, and I want to be a teacher! So I'll get paid to do a reality show about it, and when I hold a poetry contest for the kids, I can buy the winners Flip cameras. All teachers can do that, right?

Serena Williams likes doing nails. And to be fair, she seems to be taking it seriously, in that she has been taking classes to become a certified nail technician. Of course, most of the people in her classes probably don't have a deal with OPI to attach their names to a line of nail polish. Serena says there are colors for each of the four events in the tennis Grand Slam. "It's like a Grand Slam collection." Okay, is it "like" that, or is it maybe actually called "The Grand Slam Collection"?

Angie Harmon wants to really be a homicide detective, though I think she'll probably be sticking with the more lucrative career of playing one on television. So she went to some forensic training place in Tennessee and...blah, blah, blah. Does anyone care? Seriously. Who watches her show on TNT anyway?

Any one of these three could leave his/her real job, and go live the dream job, without a problem. Tony Danza loved making a difference in those kids' lives for a year. Well, okay. So, go back and do it again. Maybe not for the cameras. Angie Harmon wants to be a detective. So, take a break from Hollywood and apply to a police academy. Oh, wait. You're saying this was only your "dream job" because it helps to publicize the show on which you play a homicide detective? Gosh, I hadn't thought of that.

I took a few other notes during this episode, but I can't even handle trying to digest them and give you a breakdown. Perhaps it's the sad state of my bank account, or the fact that I can't get a single person to even acknowledge that I've sent in a résumé, but I just can't get giddy over celebrities getting to play pretend.

And later this afternoon, it's Jenny McCarthy talking about Jim Carrey, and Terry McMillan talking about her gay ex-husband. Finally, some substance!

You're Not the Boss of Me, Tony Danza

I had every intention of watching Oprah today. But 8:45 pm rolled around, and it had been a terrible, awful, no good, very bad day. And the last thing I wanted to do was turn on the television to watch Oprah.

But I want you to know that I made the effort. I watched maybe the first ten minutes, so I gave it a good shot. But then I saw Tony Danza (who, according to Oprah, last appeared on the show in 1996, when he was "riding the high" from Who's the Boss, even though that show went off the air in 1992) living his "dream job" of teaching tenth grade English for a year. And he swore he was going to do it anyway, before his friend the television producer suggested it might make a good reality show. Then Oprah showed us a little snippet from that show, in which Danza got in trouble from the principal for not signing in on time. And the whole thing was so obviously staged and hard to watch. Sorry, Tony. You might have been able to fool Angela Bower, Mona, and Jonathan into thinking you were really a maid, and not just a sad, washed-up baseball player who was essentially living in his van, but you're not fooling me.

That's a hardcore Who's the Boss reference, for those who don't know. Katie.

So that's when I gave up. Just couldn't take it. That means I'll finish watching in the morning, and hopefully have a post up by midday. Sorry to disappoint.

9/24/10 -- Public Education Redux

I clearly have a dedicated fan base. I opened Blogger this morning to belatedly write my post about Friday's show, and at that moment my friend Ashlie texted to write, "Where is Friday's post? I'm in withdrawal!"

She must have known I was feeling guilty about the delay, and also somehow that I was staring at a blank page, wondering how to begin. You see, I'm not exactly operating at 100% right now. A little boy I know is on day four of a pretty good virus, and that means no sleep for his moms. The idea of sitting down to watch Oprah has seemed like torture to my tired mind, so I didn't even watch Friday's episode until last night. I feel like apologizing to Oprah and her crew; obviously they do a live (in Chicago, anyway) show for my benefit, and I waited more than 24 hours to watch. They must be wondering why they even bother.

So, we were back on the education topic for Friday's show. Oprah showed some clips of people reacting to the original show on the topic, which aired Monday. Many parents expressed their outrage over the system, and a few teachers weren't happy about how their profession was portrayed. Seemed like a lot of whining to me. Oprah already pointed out on Monday's show that this wasn't about the good teachers; those complaining should worry more about the fact that there are plenty of awful, ineffective teachers out there. If you're upset that your profession came out badly because of the first show, don't take it out on Oprah and the others who are trying to do something about the sorry state of education. Take offense with the terrible teachers out there, and maybe help to do something about it.

Geoffrey Canada, a Harlem educator, was featured briefly on Monday's show, but he got a lot more attention on Friday. The dude is passionate about reforming education, and he yelled at Oprah about it for his entire segment. He couldn't help it; it's just how he speaks. I liked him.

Throughout the episode, there was a lot of talk about unions, and how teachers' unions are really screwed up. I'm generally a fan of unions, but I have to say that the idea that one gets tenure after only two years on the job is ridiculous. There has to be some sort of middle ground between protecting teachers and serving the best interests of children. Right now, it doesn't seem like teachers' unions are doing the latter at all.

Monday, I was really annoyed when we learned that John Legend thinks of this as the "civil rights issue of our time." Luckily for me, Oprah brought this up again, and then everybody kept mentioning it over and over for the rest of the episode. Arne Duncan, the U.S. Secretary of Education, called Waiting for Superman a "Rosa Parks moment," since seeing Rosa Parks helped to change people's minds about black civil rights, and he expects the same thing to happen for education, thanks to this movie.

Kidnapping and Rape

Yesterday's guest, Ingrid Betancourt, was kidnapped and held in the jungle for six years. She was released two years ago, and just did her first interview about the ordeal with Oprah. Or at least her first American, nationally televised interview. Which, let's face it, is the only kind that matters.

Today's guest, Sarah Shourd, was kidnapped (or "arrested") in Iran and held for fourteen months. She was released nine days ago. And today she is on Oprah. Too soon. Way, way too soon. Please go to therapy first.

Katie: "Oprah is therapy. Did you not see The Judds on their episode?"

Look, I'm not saying that Shourd and her two male friends (one of whom became her fiancé while they were in prison) deserved what happened to them at the hands of the Iranian government. A rape victim doesn't deserve to be raped because she wears a short skirt. But if she wears a short skirt that says, "rape me," then walks into a neighborhood known as "Rape Alley," and stands in front of a dude who's wearing a shirt that says, "recently released on good behavior, and I was in jail because I raped someone," and starts to dance, then maybe she could say that her actions are a little bit to blame for what happens.

So, I'm just saying that perhaps hiking in northern Iraq, dangerously close to the Iranian border, with no clue that you even were dangerously close the Iranian border, while being American, might have been the type of behavior that might have led one to believe there was a chance one might run into some trouble. But maybe that's just me. I tend to think that if one wants to go hiking, the Grand Canyon is an excellent choice. Do you know why? Because it hasn't been the setting of a global war effort (and by "global war effort" of course I mean "war started due to reasons concocted by the American government, along with its British puppets, and supported with, like, four soldiers from Iceland or something; you know, the "coalition"), after previously being the setting of some genocide perpetrated by a crazy dictator.

Again, maybe that's just me.

I'm glad Sarah Shourd was released from prison in Iran. I hope that her two friends get released soon, too, especially since none of them did anything criminally wrong. Unless criminally stupid counts. But when Oprah talks to her and looks at her like she's some sort of a hero, it confuses me. Thankfully, there was no mention of her being a "warrior woman."

Mostly, I'm just annoyed that we got two "I survived being held hostage" stories back-to-back. That doesn't make sense to me from a ratings standpoint, but something tells me Oprah's ratings aren't suffering.

At the end of this segment, Oprah brought on the mothers of all three hostages. And at this point I decided I really don't like these "quiet" episodes of the show. The audience didn't make a sound for this entire hour. What I need in an Oprah episode is confetti and cheering. This thing really should have ended with Oprah announcing that she intervened and got the Iranian government to release the two men, and here they are!

Instead, we move on to a story about rape.

I feel a little guilty that I made a rape analogy up there at all, since the second guest of the episode was an actual rape victim. The gist of it is that her ex-boyfriend posted pictures of her on Craig's List, alongside text that said something about her looking for an "aggressive man." Interested men contacted her boyfriend to get her information, and one of the 161 who responded showed up at this woman's house and raped her. Anally and vaginally. We were eating dinner while watching this episode, and Katie and I both stopped during the rape description, forks in mid-air, and vowed to not watch Oprah again while eating.

This rapist also used a knife sharpener to penetrate his victim, and held a knife to her throat. All devastating, horrible things. I took literally one note about this entire segment (which lasted half the show), and it was something I wrote down as they aired a taped piece in which the woman showed us around her home. She pointed to the knife block on her kitchen cabinet and said that it was where the sharpener and knife used in the crime once were. The knife block is a constant reminder of what happened.

Seriously. Time to get a new knife block. Oprah, where's the confetti and cheering over getting this woman a new set of damn knives? Please. Give me something.


Tomorrow: that giant announcement that will "shake up public education."

Ingrid Betancourt

Colombian woman. Kidnapped and held hostage in Colombian jungle for six and a half years. Survives, and gets rescued (dramatically) by the Colombian Army. Reunited with her daughter and son.

And that's it. What else can I write? The woman, Ingrid Betancourt, kept reminding me of Celine Dion, both in looks and the sound of her voice, which I thought was odd until we learned that she lived in France. But she was running for president of Colombia at the time of her kidnapping, so I don't entirely understand the national ties. I do know that she speaks fluent Spanish. And presumably French. I also know that, despite this harrowing ordeal, the story of which was much more engrossing and compelling than that of the two Discovery Channel hostages, Oprah never once referred to Betancourt as a "warrior woman."

Oprah, I doubt you will ever cease to confound me.

Halfway through the show, Katie yelled out from the kitchen, "Maybe when it's over, she'll sing 'Power of Love.'"

No such luck.


Tomorrow: An American held hostage in Iran tells her story!

Good lord.

Jon Stewart and ... Liza Minnelli?

In case you haven't already figured it out, I am a bit of a bleeding heart liberal. So Oprah made me like her just a little bit today by having Jon Stewart on the show. In fact, I'm liking her so much that I know this will be a short post, because I can't even really make fun of her. And I certainly can't get snarkier than Jon Stewart, so why bother?

Stewart had some pretty funny moments, starting with coming out at the beginning of the show with a rolling suitcase, assuming Oprah was going to send him somewhere just like she did with the premiere audience. And when she asked him what he has learned from parenthood, he said, "It's an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch."

In what I'm sure was a planned move, Stewart announced his "Rally to Restore Sanity" last week, just in time to show up on Oprah this week. You may have heard that Oprah pulls in a lot of viewers, which can only help ensure that Stewart gets more people at his rally than Glenn Beck (Stewart's "moneymaker," and his "kids' college tuition," as he said on the show today) got at his.

Oprah complained about never being on Stewart's show, so Stewart invited her, and Oprah accepted. I will be interested to see if that actually happens. Stewart just wondered if Travolta will fly Oprah there, and where she will take his audience.

Finally, Stewart did a little guest lecture in a media class at my alma mater, New York University, mostly in an effort to promote his new book, Earth: A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race. When he walked in the room, people went crazy, and one girl cried.

Mostly, Oprah let Stewart rant on current events, while she laughed and tried to keep up with his intelligent humor. Spoiler: She couldn't do it.  I'm just glad she let him get some good stuff in about the Ground Zero mosque, the Arizona immigration law, and a few other topics. It's never a bad thing when the logical side is showcased to a larger audience.

So, that was Stewart. And then there was Liza. The audience gave her a standing ovation, and I just wonder if they really care, or if they just figure someone like Liza Minnelli is supposed to get that sort of welcome. Minnelli blamed her marriage to David Gest on her encephalitis, though she called it "brain encephalitis," which is as redundant as calling David Gest a "gay homosexual."

The best moment came when they showed a picture from the Minnelli/Gest wedding, and the four people in the shot were Gest, Minnelli, Michael Jackson, and Liz Taylor. What an insane cast of characters.

Minnelli has an album coming out, so she sang at the end of the show. At one point during "New York, New York," the camera cut to Oprah in the audience. And Oprah was looking at the camera to make sure it was looking at her.

And then she really got into it.

Thank goodness. I was worried my Oprah-watching experience wasn't going to be complete if I didn't catch a glimpse of her singing along. The only problem is they didn't leave the camera on her long enough to see her mess up the words. Maybe next time.

Waiting for Superman

So, Oprah wants you to go see this movie. And since she's doing at least two shows (today's and Friday's) about this movie's theme, I think there's a good chance this thing sees box office gold. That is the power of Oprah. Just one reason I have money as the background image for this blog.

The movie is Waiting for Superman. And I have no idea how to deal with that from a stylistic standpoint, since the website for the movie both italicizes and puts quotes around Superman. So I'm at a loss, which means I'm leaving it in standard text form. Regardless, the movie, a documentary, centers on the crumbling (or perhaps already ruined) state of our nation's educational system.

I saw the trailer for this movie a couple of months ago, right before I saw the worst movie ever made, The Kids Are Alright. Seriously, do not get me started on that movie. You will never hear the end of it.

Davis Guggenheim, the man who brought you An Inconvenient Truth (which I liked, but which I thought was mislabeled, in that it wasn't so much a documentary as it was a nicely done PowerPoint presentation), directed this film, and he joined Bill Gates and Michelle Rhee (Chancellor of Public Schools for D.C.) to discuss the problem.

I don't want to recap this one blow-by-blow because it just seems unnecessary. We don't need Oprah to tell us that kids aren't getting educated in the United States of America; Jersey Shore should tell us everything we need to know.

The point of the film, and of Oprah's show, is that something needs to be done about the lack of effective teachers. Or, more specifically, about the difficulty school boards have in firing ineffective teachers. Tenure is an ugly bitch, and apparently public school teachers get it just for showing up for two years. That's great for the good ones, but for those who don't care, it's the children who pay the price. Michelle Rhee is no-nonsense about this stuff. She's fired a bunch of teachers and principals in D.C. and she's shut down some schools. Oprah called her a "warrior woman," which was the same term she used for that nearly limbless woman from Friday's show. Did I miss when this became a real term? Or is that just an Oprah thing?

Oprah spent a lot of time in this one attempting to engage the audience. But it's weird the way she makes this effort. I've seen enough clips of old Oprah to know that she used to actually go into the audience and hold the microphone in the faces of those who wanted to ask questions. Does that ever happen anymore? Now it just seems like all Oprah does is implore the audience to indicate that they agree with her. There is an awful lot of, "Didn't you think this was true?" or "Don't you agree about that?" happening, and it was especially prevalent in this episode.

Background

Perhaps you've stumbled upon this blog by accident, or came to it by way of the Variety blurb, or a friend of a friend mentioned it, or you've always read my other blog and thought you'd give this one a chance. Or you Google searched, as one person recently did, "judds odd on oprah," and wound up here.

No matter. I welcome all the huddled masses to Watching Oprah. And now that we've made it through the first week, and are ready to begin the second, I feel like this is as good a time as any to let you know just exactly who you're dealing with here.

Hi. I'm Erin. I'm 30 years old (just typing that makes me shudder), and I live in Beaverton, Oregon. But that's a recent development. Prior to July 1, I spent eight years in Los Angeles, California, working in the entertainment industry. And no, I don't mean porn. I worked on movies (Last Samurai, Lemony Snicket) and even did a season on The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

Oh, I'm actually in Lemony Snicket. Seriously. Check out this screen capture from the trailer:

That chick sweeping on the far left of the screen? Yours truly. For the record, I am not an actress. I worked in the costume department on that film, and they thought it would be fun to dress me up and put me in a scene. So, now I can say I've starred with Jim Carrey and -- much better -- Meryl Streep.

But I left Los Angeles. And not really under the best circumstances. I'm not at all proud of my behavior in the lead-up to my departure, or even in a lot of my behavior since. But I'm working on myself, and I think I'm getting to a better place, emotionally and mentally speaking. Leaving L.A. was the right thing to do; I just should have picked a better way to do it.

So, even though I don't deserve it, I've got a new life up here in the Pacific Northwest. And it's going well. Most of the time. I have the love of a good woman. Her name is Katie. We both have the love of a precious boy. His name is Merritt. He's Katie's son, and he's just a little over eleven months old right now. You can read a little about him here. Merritt is Katie's from a previous relationship, and Merritt's father is still very much in the picture. We currently have an every-other-week custody agreement, which is great every other week when we have Merritt, and not so great every other week we don't. Don't go judging, thinking we're somehow trashy or weird for having a unique family. Sometimes things just work out that way. And the most important thing is that everyone is putting that little boy first, no matter what.

What I really want you to understand is why I'm writing about Oprah (the show, along with Oprah, the non-italicized version). It is not, as you might have gathered by reading previous posts, because I am a religious follower of the woman's show/lifestyle/world domination. I, in fact, have always been that person who makes fun of Oprah constantly. And I think I always will be. It's not that I don't think that she's a good person overall; I just think maybe she's lost touch with real people over the years. In a sense, it's not really her fault. I've been around enough celebrities to know that when people are constantly telling you "yes," it's hard not to start to believe that you deserve everything you want. And it's even harder to understand why not everyone is falling all over themselves to make your every desire a reality.

9/17/10 -- Ultimate Wildest Dreams

I think Friday's show illustrates exactly what most people (the ones like me, who seem to know a lot about Oprah, but are not regular watchers) would describe if they were asked what happened on the show daily. Just a whole lot of, "You get a car! You get a car! You get a car!" every time those cameras start rolling. And what with the big giveaway on Monday, you could hardly blame a girl for just assuming Oprah is just a televised genie, granting wishes left and right.

I guess the first five episodes of this season have shown me that Oprah has a whole lot of genie in her, but there is more to the show. I'm going to just proclaim Oprah has a show featuring celebrity interviews, human interest stories, and big, fantastic giveaways. Does that about sum it up?

So, Oprah dubbed Friday's episode the "Ultimate Wildest Dreams" episode. And people got stuff. Big stuff. Here's the rundown:

• Mother of two, originally featured on Oprah after she had her hands and feet amputated because of a flesh-eating bacteria. In a nice little tie-in with a show from yet another of Oprah's progeny, Nate Berkus, Oprah bought this woman (and her family, of course) a house. The family gets to choose the house, then Nate and his crew will customize it for them. Watch all the progress on The Nate Berkus Show! 

• Next up, some super-dykey lesbians from Cape Cod. They make pie. One time they brought some pie to Oprah, when she was in town for Eunice Kennedy Shriver's funeral. Oprah fell in love with something called "chicken pie." I've heard of chicken pot pie, and I'm sure this is is similar, just not in a pot, but something about the name "chicken pie" completely nauseates me. Anyway, Oprah loved the pie. The women joined forces with a non-profit called Cape Abilities, and hired 30 men and women with special needs to help them with the increased demand for pie. Oprah brought them on the show to tell them Harry & David will be selling their pies all over the place, and that the chicken pie will be the November pie of the month. The audience got coupons for the pie, and Oprah announced that the pies would be available starting October 4th. Katie rightly pointed out that there's no way these women didn't know about this before the show aired, since Oprah can't just make business decisions for people without their consent. Or can she?

At this point, I looked over to see that Katie was crying because we had just given up Merritt (our son; more on him later, probably) to his father for the weekend. Custody agreements blow. I asked Katie to please stop crying because the Oprah hour is sacred. You may cry during the hour, but only about Oprah-related subjects. It's a new rule I just made up; this blog is a work in progress.

• There were 50 brides in the audience. Vera Wang was on stage. You do the math. Basically, Oprah and Vera gave all these women wedding dresses. They were so excited about getting Wangs, and then Oprah and Vera explained that these dresses are part of Wang's new collection, to be featured at -- wait for it -- David's Bridal. I don't know anything about weddings, but I know this means these women got some cheap dresses. Wang told us they range in price from $600 to $1400. Cheap, when you consider these women probably originally thought Oprah was giving them $10,000 dollar couture dresses. Oprah wasn't done; the women then got $250 Kohl's gift cards. I'm pretty sure you can buy a boat at Kohl's for that amount of money. That place is not exactly expensive. Then they got $4000 Marriott Hotels gift cards, and some United travel vouchers. I suppose that's a pretty good haul. Now all these women can just spend more money on flowers and tulle for the reception!

• My favorite giveaway of the episode came when Oprah brought on a mother of three grown children. Her son is in medical school, and both her daughters are college graduates. This woman's husband left her when the children were all under the age of six, and since then the woman has always worked three jobs (one of them as a teacher) in an effort to keep the family from living in a car (which they had to do early on). Long story short: this woman has always wanted to go to Italy with her family. She thinks she's on the show to talk about the difficulties of being a single mom. Oprah quickly shows her just how wrong she really is ... by giving the family a trip to Italy. Then, after a commercial break, Oprah says she'll pay off the student loans the woman took out to send her children to college -- a total of $78,000. And then, just to really show what she's made of, Oprah tells the woman (I really wish I had caught her name) that the show will also be giving her a year of her salary, so that maybe she can take some time off of one or two of those jobs. This was my favorite because of the woman's reaction: "You've given me a life. How can I ever thank you?"

• Finally, Oprah announced her latest Book Club selection, which is Jonathan Franzen's Freedom. Now, Oprah and Franzen have a little history, so that could be interesting. Also, I hated The Corrections. I read it earlier this year, and I struggled to get through it. I hate not finishing a book, so I made myself do it, but it was painful. Too damn long, for no reason other than Franzen must think he's so damn amazing with all his colorful prose. So, yeah, I'm not reading Freedom, and not just because doing so would mean that I'm "living Oprah." 

Oprah cried during this episode. It's worth noting, since my friend Alyssa is taking bets on whether Oprah will display tears in every episode of this final season. So far, I think we're five-for-five.

Please don't ask me whether I choked up during this episode. I'm not saying whether that single mom and her family at the end got me all teary. It's best that you continue to think of me as strong and unaffected by the Oprah phenomenon.

Serious Face

Goodness. And I thought writing about yesterday's show would be difficult. Somehow I managed to find at least a little humor in an AIDS controversy, though I'm sure you'd agree there was a bit of "serious Erin" involved in that post. But today, Oprah just went ahead and did a show that made it very difficult for me to be snarky in any way. I mean, I'll probably find an inappropriate comment or two, and throw them into the mix, but don't expect much.

Today's show just appeared to be a smorgasbord of current events, and not a one of them was pleasant or uplifting. Come on, Oprah. Current events don't always have to be horrific and tragic. Couldn't you have found a story about a panda being born somewhere, or about some town coming together to get in the Guinness Book of World Records for "world's largest chocolate chip cookie?"

First up was the September 1 hostage situation at the Discovery Channel. Really odd choice for a story, as I really don't think most people even remember this happened. And it was just about two weeks ago. I saw something about it when it was happening, then saw that only the terrorist had been killed, and I forgot about it instantly. But Oprah thought it was still topical, I guess, so we got accounts from two of the men who were held hostage in the lobby by a crazy guy who was armed with guns and bombs. I guess this guy was angry that the Discovery Channel hadn't saved the world yet or something? I don't know.

All I can say is the hostages were boring. I mean, I'm certain it was a terrifying experience for them, but they didn't really make for compelling television. Just a lot of soft-spoken, choked-up talking about having to lie on the floor for four hours, wondering if they were going to survive. Again, horrible for them, but I would have changed the channel very early on if I hadn't decided that I'm suddenly morally obligated to watch every second of this final season.

Jerry

This afternoon, before I watched today's episode, I told Katie that I was certain that I wouldn't have much to say about this one, because how can anyone be sarcastic about a story about AIDS and bigotry?

At the end of the hour, I had three pages full of notes in my Oprah notebook (or "Opebook," as Katie dubbed it). One full page more than the Judds got. I don't know what that means for this post, but I'd set aside a few minutes if I were you.

What you need to know first of all is that I had to pause this one at 2:17 into the episode, because I was almost convinced that I wouldn't be able to make it the rest of the way. The backstory is this: 23 years ago, a guy with AIDS jumped into a swimming pool in Williamson, West Virginia. He didn't have open, festering sores, and he wasn't carrying Super Soakers full of infected blood; it was hot outside, and he wanted to swim. But apparently everyone in town knew he had AIDS, and the panic was immediate. People jumped out and ran, and eventually the mayor ended up closing down the pool for "safety concerns," and this became a national story.

It was Oprah's second season, and she went to Williamson and held a town hall meeting. People reacted in this town hall meeting pretty much exactly the way you'd think people in small town West Virginia would react to a gay dude with AIDS in 1987; they brought all the Christian compassion they could muster, and they screamed it at this poor man, Mike Sisco ("person with AIDS," as Oprah's original show dubbed him in his on-screen title), just oozing all that Christian love and understanding we've all seen so prominently displayed at every rally to which Glenn Beck has ever attached his name.

How Mike Sisco sat in that room and took that sort of treatment from people is beyond me. Have you ever been in a room where every single person hates you, and the majority of them believe you should be quarantined? I'm not making that up; Oprah asked for a show of hands on that very question, and well more than half the audience shot their arms in the air like, I don't know, a gay guy with AIDS was trying to touch them.

The Judds

If I didn't know any better, I'd say Oprah totally planned this episode for me. I decided on premiere day that I would write this blog, and the second episode of the season features my all-time favorite singing group? Don't tell me that they already had this show planned before I started this blog. Do you think Oprah doesn't own a time machine?

I have loved The Judds since 1987. That is an incredibly long time, although not quite as long as Oprah has been on the air. I probably wore out our cassette tape copy of River of Time, and I'm amazed that our CD of Christmas Time With the Judds has lasted as long as it has. I guess playing it only once a year (every Christmas morning) helps with the longevity.

I love, love, love Judd music. My heart skips a beat at the moment in A Bad Goodbye when we first hear Wynonna's voice (at 1:02 into the video, and enjoy those Spanish subtitles); I revel in the fact that you can actually hear her smile at 2:01 into this song (please ignore the unbelievably awful fairy video); I will never get tired of singing Young Love, especially when I'm singing it while walking around with a little boy, who shows his appreciation by falling asleep in my arms. I was at The Judds Reunion show on New Year's Eve 1999. I have seen them together one other time since then, and Wynonna solo at least three times in all (including one night -- my 20th birthday -- where I watched a show from the VIP area, then met both Wynonna and Ashley after the show).

I hope you're getting the picture that I'm a fan. It makes it that much easier to feel like it's okay to say this: Naomi and Wynonna are two of the biggest cornballs to ever walk the earth. And when you combine those two with Oprah Winfrey, throw in the fact that The Judds are reuniting for a "final encore," and that Oprah is doing her final season, you've got a powder keg of corny just waiting to explode.

One Episode Down. How Many to Go?

I'm not quite sure yet how I'm going to write these posts. No one wants to read a full recap of an episode of Oprah, so it's up to me to give you the highlights in as concise and entertaining a manner as possible. It might take me a few posts to get into the groove. Bear with me.

First of all, Oprah seems to be making this season all about her biggest fans, which I suppose is nice. She really does make people happy. But then, so do cults.

John Travolta walked Oprah out on to the stage at the beginning of the episode, and there was a lot of the two of them fawning all over each other. Oprah told John there's "no one on earth [she'd] rather be with." Poor Gayle. Numerous cuts to the audience let us know that there might not ever be a dry eye at an Oprah show for the next year. Also, is there a man present at all in that crowd of 300? John Travolta doesn't count. For a number of reasons.

Apparently John Travolta gave Oprah a wonderful toast on her 50th birthday, and this toast inspired a woman to go to Africa and build a house for a poor family. It's nice and all, but what I see is an excuse for Oprah to pat herself on the back. She makes the world a better place!

Bullshit line #1 for this final season -- "We still do our show about everyday people."

Way back when I was in first grade and Oprah premiered her show, her staff had worked tirelessly to bribe Don Johnson to be the first guest. For some reason, this involved Oprah sending him rhinestone sunglasses, which she then requested he return when he declined the invitation to do the show. We saw the clip of this happening, and then what do you know? Don Johnson walked out, wearing rhinestone sunglasses. Which I'm sure he'd just been keeping in his glove compartment all these years, right next to the backup dime of coke. He plugged his new movie (Machete; who knew?), and then said what he had to so that the production staff would unbind his children and allow him to take them home with him -- "The most important thing -- you're the greatest."

While we're talking about Don Johnson, can I just say how stupid it is for Oprah to get surprise guests at all? Even if we believe she legitimately did not know ol' D.J. was going to walk out there, who the fuck cares? If Oprah wants Don Johnson, she'll get Don Johnson. This isn't like surprising a normal person (one of those "everyday people" she loves so much) with his/her favorite celebrity. This is Oprah. If she wants a celebrity to show up wearing rhinestone glasses, she'll just send out her man-servant to whack someone on the head and drag him back to her private island. It's not complicated.

The Premiere Is Coming

Here's the thing -- Oprah is everywhere. And you can read recaps of her shows in a million different places. But one thing you won't find anywhere else is someone with this level of dedication. Who else will promise to watch every single episode of the final season, and then digest it and deliver it to you in a regurgitated state?

No one. No one else would do this for you.

The premiere has already aired here in the Portland area, but I'm waiting a little while before I watch it. Just sort of upping my level of anticipation, you know? My intention is to write a post about a day's show on the same evening, but that won't necessarily always happen; sometimes these things will have to wait until the next day. You can't rush perfection.

Stick around. Maybe we'll all learn something.