Jenny McCarthy is full of crap.And that's how I knew what I'd be in for with the show today. Not that I couldn't have already guessed what my reaction would be to a show featuring Jenny McCarthy and Terry McMillan, both of whom were promoting new books (I guess we'll call this Oprah's Guilty Pleasure Book Club or something).
Ashlie and I have been friends for nearly fifteen years. I really doubt we've ever watched an episode of Oprah together, and I can't even remember a time we would have discussed the show (or the woman) in the last decade and a half. But now we've exchanged texts and even a phone call on the subject. Oprah changes people. I see that now.
The one thing you really need to know about Oprah is that today she was wearing some sort of glittery...vest? I'm not entirely sure what it was, but it was special.
After watching McCarthy for only a few minutes today, I knew why Oprah seems to like her so much. Just like The Judds, McCarthy speaks Oprah's language. Lots of gibberish about her "authentic self," and how after she broke up with Jim Carrey she realized that "[she] is the love of her life." And some nonsense about being a "visual person" who saw the relationship as lessons learned, represented by sand pouring through an hourglass. The hourglass in her mind. I'll leave you to guess whether Oprah was suitably impressed with this personal journey.
I was surprised by a few things in this segment. One, apparently Oprah emailed McCarthy to check on her after the breakup with Carrey was announced. That's weird. Oprah and Jenny email each other? Two, McCarthy has done something to her face. I don't know if it's cheek implants or what, but something is going on there. Three, McCarthy used to (and perhaps still does) keep her bush au naturel. How do I know that? Because she told a story about how the makeup artist on her first (and only? I don't know) Playboy shoot had to actually brush her pubes to get them under control.
Yes, I do believe McCarthy just classed up this joint.
While discussing motherhood or something, McCarthy referred to herself as a "warrior mom." I groaned, while Katie wondered if perhaps there exists an "Oprah Glossary of Terms" that one might peruse, lest one ever wonder what the hell these people are talking about on this show.
Merritt was eating in his highchair while I watched tonight, and Katie was behind me in the dining room, making a whole lot of noise, hammering a table back together. A table that broke because Merritt literally picked it up and moved it out of his way, in an effort to get to a lamp or a dirty tissue or the pages of a book or something. I don't know. Some item he wanted to put in his mouth.
I asked Katie what she was doing, since I was unable to remove my eyes from the screen long enough to see for myself.
Katie: "Being a warrior mom."
Fuck it. We're going to write our own Oprah Glossary. We'll call it the Op-sary. Or the Glossah. These are working titles, people. Magic doesn't always happen in an instant.
Terry McMillan was next, and we got a recap of all the nonsense that happened with her gay ex-husband. Basically, he signed a pre-nup, married her, spent six years as her husband, realized he was gay, came out, then sued her for a bunch of money. She sued him back, and they raged against each other in various television interviews separately, and then together on Oprah.
McMillan really should have known this dude was gay. The man had two earrings in each ear, for god's sake. And in the present day, he's added a nose ring. And somehow, his voice has gotten gayer since his appearance on Oprah several years ago. I don't really understand how that one works; the point is that I may have seen gayer men, but I don't know where.
Jonathan Plummer, the ex-husband, said something about being "authentic," like either he watched McCarthy's segment and wanted to impress Oprah, or someone leaked my Op-sary. Before I even knew I had written it. He also managed to make an awkward segue into Oprah plugging McMillan's new book, Getting to Happy. Oprah had teased that McMillan would have a "bombshell" of her own today ("She's gay?" Katie guessed), and I guess this book was it. Either that or the fact that McMillan has adult braces.
Tomorrow: the mom who fathered her own children. Katie and I will be taking copious notes on this one. How did this woman fool biology? We must know!
How about Oprahsaurus? But then that could also be interpreted as an insult.....
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