9/17/10 -- Ultimate Wildest Dreams

I think Friday's show illustrates exactly what most people (the ones like me, who seem to know a lot about Oprah, but are not regular watchers) would describe if they were asked what happened on the show daily. Just a whole lot of, "You get a car! You get a car! You get a car!" every time those cameras start rolling. And what with the big giveaway on Monday, you could hardly blame a girl for just assuming Oprah is just a televised genie, granting wishes left and right.

I guess the first five episodes of this season have shown me that Oprah has a whole lot of genie in her, but there is more to the show. I'm going to just proclaim Oprah has a show featuring celebrity interviews, human interest stories, and big, fantastic giveaways. Does that about sum it up?

So, Oprah dubbed Friday's episode the "Ultimate Wildest Dreams" episode. And people got stuff. Big stuff. Here's the rundown:

• Mother of two, originally featured on Oprah after she had her hands and feet amputated because of a flesh-eating bacteria. In a nice little tie-in with a show from yet another of Oprah's progeny, Nate Berkus, Oprah bought this woman (and her family, of course) a house. The family gets to choose the house, then Nate and his crew will customize it for them. Watch all the progress on The Nate Berkus Show! 

• Next up, some super-dykey lesbians from Cape Cod. They make pie. One time they brought some pie to Oprah, when she was in town for Eunice Kennedy Shriver's funeral. Oprah fell in love with something called "chicken pie." I've heard of chicken pot pie, and I'm sure this is is similar, just not in a pot, but something about the name "chicken pie" completely nauseates me. Anyway, Oprah loved the pie. The women joined forces with a non-profit called Cape Abilities, and hired 30 men and women with special needs to help them with the increased demand for pie. Oprah brought them on the show to tell them Harry & David will be selling their pies all over the place, and that the chicken pie will be the November pie of the month. The audience got coupons for the pie, and Oprah announced that the pies would be available starting October 4th. Katie rightly pointed out that there's no way these women didn't know about this before the show aired, since Oprah can't just make business decisions for people without their consent. Or can she?

At this point, I looked over to see that Katie was crying because we had just given up Merritt (our son; more on him later, probably) to his father for the weekend. Custody agreements blow. I asked Katie to please stop crying because the Oprah hour is sacred. You may cry during the hour, but only about Oprah-related subjects. It's a new rule I just made up; this blog is a work in progress.

• There were 50 brides in the audience. Vera Wang was on stage. You do the math. Basically, Oprah and Vera gave all these women wedding dresses. They were so excited about getting Wangs, and then Oprah and Vera explained that these dresses are part of Wang's new collection, to be featured at -- wait for it -- David's Bridal. I don't know anything about weddings, but I know this means these women got some cheap dresses. Wang told us they range in price from $600 to $1400. Cheap, when you consider these women probably originally thought Oprah was giving them $10,000 dollar couture dresses. Oprah wasn't done; the women then got $250 Kohl's gift cards. I'm pretty sure you can buy a boat at Kohl's for that amount of money. That place is not exactly expensive. Then they got $4000 Marriott Hotels gift cards, and some United travel vouchers. I suppose that's a pretty good haul. Now all these women can just spend more money on flowers and tulle for the reception!

• My favorite giveaway of the episode came when Oprah brought on a mother of three grown children. Her son is in medical school, and both her daughters are college graduates. This woman's husband left her when the children were all under the age of six, and since then the woman has always worked three jobs (one of them as a teacher) in an effort to keep the family from living in a car (which they had to do early on). Long story short: this woman has always wanted to go to Italy with her family. She thinks she's on the show to talk about the difficulties of being a single mom. Oprah quickly shows her just how wrong she really is ... by giving the family a trip to Italy. Then, after a commercial break, Oprah says she'll pay off the student loans the woman took out to send her children to college -- a total of $78,000. And then, just to really show what she's made of, Oprah tells the woman (I really wish I had caught her name) that the show will also be giving her a year of her salary, so that maybe she can take some time off of one or two of those jobs. This was my favorite because of the woman's reaction: "You've given me a life. How can I ever thank you?"

• Finally, Oprah announced her latest Book Club selection, which is Jonathan Franzen's Freedom. Now, Oprah and Franzen have a little history, so that could be interesting. Also, I hated The Corrections. I read it earlier this year, and I struggled to get through it. I hate not finishing a book, so I made myself do it, but it was painful. Too damn long, for no reason other than Franzen must think he's so damn amazing with all his colorful prose. So, yeah, I'm not reading Freedom, and not just because doing so would mean that I'm "living Oprah." 

Oprah cried during this episode. It's worth noting, since my friend Alyssa is taking bets on whether Oprah will display tears in every episode of this final season. So far, I think we're five-for-five.

Please don't ask me whether I choked up during this episode. I'm not saying whether that single mom and her family at the end got me all teary. It's best that you continue to think of me as strong and unaffected by the Oprah phenomenon.