The Judds

If I didn't know any better, I'd say Oprah totally planned this episode for me. I decided on premiere day that I would write this blog, and the second episode of the season features my all-time favorite singing group? Don't tell me that they already had this show planned before I started this blog. Do you think Oprah doesn't own a time machine?

I have loved The Judds since 1987. That is an incredibly long time, although not quite as long as Oprah has been on the air. I probably wore out our cassette tape copy of River of Time, and I'm amazed that our CD of Christmas Time With the Judds has lasted as long as it has. I guess playing it only once a year (every Christmas morning) helps with the longevity.

I love, love, love Judd music. My heart skips a beat at the moment in A Bad Goodbye when we first hear Wynonna's voice (at 1:02 into the video, and enjoy those Spanish subtitles); I revel in the fact that you can actually hear her smile at 2:01 into this song (please ignore the unbelievably awful fairy video); I will never get tired of singing Young Love, especially when I'm singing it while walking around with a little boy, who shows his appreciation by falling asleep in my arms. I was at The Judds Reunion show on New Year's Eve 1999. I have seen them together one other time since then, and Wynonna solo at least three times in all (including one night -- my 20th birthday -- where I watched a show from the VIP area, then met both Wynonna and Ashley after the show).

I hope you're getting the picture that I'm a fan. It makes it that much easier to feel like it's okay to say this: Naomi and Wynonna are two of the biggest cornballs to ever walk the earth. And when you combine those two with Oprah Winfrey, throw in the fact that The Judds are reuniting for a "final encore," and that Oprah is doing her final season, you've got a powder keg of corny just waiting to explode.

Wynonna and Naomi speak in cliches. It's just what they do. I have heard Wynonna use the "if it's not one thing, it's your mother" line at least once at every live show, and at least once during virtually every television show appearance. I told Katie to brace herself for it during this episode of Oprah, and 33 minutes in, Wynonna proved me right and said the line. Of course, she was joking about herself and how she used to say it a lot, but it still counts. I forgive the cliche speak because it's what I've come to know about these women. But that doesn't mean I don't cringe constantly, or don't feel a little embarrassed when I'm introducing The Judds to new people. So you can imagine how I felt when sitting down to watch this episode, especially knowing I'd have to write about it, too.

Mind boggling fact: The Judd women (including Ashley, most of the time) have been on Oprah seventeen times. I'm not sure if today was the eighteenth, or if they were including it in the count, but either way, that's insanity. I was thinking the number was three or four, tops.

Wynonna came out today with hair looking especially pink. Like, fuchsia pink. When she hugged Oprah, I realized that Oprah likes to do that holding-both-hands-before-you-hug thing a lot, not just when she's trying to deflect Tom Cruise. If you saw the episode, perhaps you noticed Wynonna blatantly checking out Oprah's tits just after the hug. Twice. It was weird. Hard to blame her; both these women are well-endowed, and also wore bras that don't hide a thing (and Wynonna had on a corset/girdle thing that made it impossible for her to even sit down normally). There was a lot of boobage on that stage today.

Wynonna mentioned god twice in the first five minutes. And boy, did she (and Naomi, when she came out) talk about healing/therapy/moving on a lot. I'm not going to recap every second of this show, because all I would do is ensure that my blog will just confuse people who are performing internet searches for psychology buzzwords. So much about tools you get from therapy, like learning to say, "that doesn't work for me," when you can't do something for someone. Oprah went crazy for that one.

You know why? Because the Judd women speak Oprah's language. When Wynonna says a line like, "I used to wake up and say, 'Oh god, it's morning,' and now I wake up and say, 'Good morning, god,'" you can see Oprah have a silent, thoughtful orgasm. It is quite obvious that all three women on that stage today have spent A LOT of time in therapy. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The Judds have done this every other time I've see them on Oprah, though. I've missed fifteen of their appearances, I guess, but based on the clips I've seen, these people have no trouble airing it all out for Oprah's massive audience. So when Oprah said, "Who knew we were gonna get a therapy session from The Judds?" I actually laughed out loud. Who knew, Oprah? How about any person who has ever watched them on your show or any other, or seen them in concert, or read one of their books? This is what you get from The Judds. And you learn to just accept it.

Katie struggled her way through all this, and eventually asked if there was a chance she could get Psych 101 college credit just for watching the show.

Oprah had sent her camera crew out to the Judd ranch last week, and so we got to see a nice little video package in which Naomi showed us around her home. Naomi, Wynonna and Ashley all live on a 1000-acre farm near Franklin, Tennessee, each in separate houses on their own piece of the property. One time I drove through Franklin, Tennessee, and I desperately wanted to find their place. But then I realized I would have no idea how to find it, and I didn't know what I would do even if I could locate it. So I gave up. Because I'm not totally insane.

So, The Judds are reuniting for a final tour, which means new music. Apparently the new single is "exclusively" on Oprah.com. But I feel like if I go to Oprah.com to listen to this single, that's the first step in "living Oprah." And I'm not into that. So I'm not going to do it.

Because of this new tour, The Judds were happy to sing for Oprah to end the show. I thought Paul Simon on the premiere was weird, and he was, but The Judds may have topped that today, through no fault of their own. They sang Love Can Build A Bridge, which, strangely enough, is a terribly corny song. But I love the hell out of it, so leave me alone. On a giant, giant screen behind them during the performance, there was a montage of...I don't even know what to call it. OprahFest 2010? No. I feel like I'll want to use that one again before the next 128 episodes (Oprah mentioned she has a total of 130 episodes this season, so I now I have an accurate count) are through. So I don't know what to call what we saw on the screen. You barely noticed The Judds were there, what with all the footage of Oprah hugging kids and Oprah crying and Oprah, Oprah, Oprah. Totally strange.

The sad thing is that I happen to know the best part of a musical performance on Oprah is when they cut to her in the audience, tragically trying to sing along, and just butchering every word. And for this one we didn't get a single shot of that. Bummer. Try to keep me a little more entertained next time, Opes.**

Tomorrow on Oprah: Swimming in AIDS



**I can't take credit for this nickname. It comes from my favorite comedian of all time, Maria Bamford.