Breaking news from Oprah, everyone. Women feel bad about themselves because they can't live up to the Hollywood standard of beauty. And these aging beauties are here to tell you about how hard it is for them to live up to those same standards, even as the images of them and others like them are what cause the problem in the first place. Are you following me?
Good, because I'm conflicted. On the one hand, I'm all about what the women were saying in today's episode. Yes, women are objectified and judged on their looks, and the airbrushed, enhanced photos of celebrities and models do nothing but consistently impede an average woman's chance of feeling good about herself. There is an absolute problem when women are starving themselves or resorting to plastic surgery just so they can live up to these impossible standards.
On the other hand, I think all of this is really easy to say when you're Teri Hatcher or Cybill Shepherd or Linda Evans, all of whom are paid primarily for their looks. It's one thing to ask, as Hatcher did, "What is more beautiful than realizing you are?" when you're a knockout; it's quite another to come to that conclusion when you have a face like a foot. And it's weird that "foot" line came to me, since I borrowed it from Martha Plimpton, who said it in a documentary on this exact topic, Searching for Debra Winger, when she was describing what leading men are allowed to look like, while women are held to an ever-increasing standard of beauty.
And on yet another hand (yes, I'll admit it: I have three hands, which means I'm clearly not living up to anyone's ideal of beauty), I sat there watching the show today, completely judging these women by their looks. A young Cybill Shepherd is a pretty good definition of beauty, but neither Teri Hatcher nor Linda Evans have ever done anything for me. I guess I know that they are attractive, though I am not in any way attracted to them. But it must say something about mindsets and stereotypes that I was so willing to immediately point out that I'm certain that Teri Hatcher has had more than just Botox, despite her claims to the contrary.
A lot of the show centered on the idea of aging, and how this country focuses so much on anti-aging products. Oprah pointed out that beautiful women have a harder time with aging, because if the beauty fades, they have no idea how to define themselves anymore. It's why beautiful women get plastic surgery. For Linda Evans, her need for plastic surgery came when she was dating a man twelve years her junior, and she wanted to be sure she could hold on to him. And that man was...Yanni.
Who the fuck needs plastic surgery to be able to keep Yanni around? Have you seen that guy?
The bottom line for the women on the stage today, including Oprah, is that they needed to survive the aging process to be able to understand what makes them who they are. Cybill Shepherd stopped looking in the mirror when she turned 50, but I guess she's looking again now that she's in her 60s, because she's realized what matters. I'm 30. Today Oprah said, "What you think you know at 30 really comes alive at 40."
Which is depressing when you think about it. We spend most of our lives searching for who we are, and looking for that contentedness that everyone wants to find, and by the time we get it, we don't have nearly enough time to enjoy it.
At some point in this episode, the DVR stopped telling me how much time was remaining in the show. That is one hell of a way to watch an episode of Oprah, let me tell you. It's not that this show didn't have its interesting moments. It did. But it's just a lot easier to deal with Oprah when you know what you'll have to endure. It's like this one time I went on a church retreat (shout-out to Christ Our Redeemer in Niceville, Florida!), and they took away our watches, so we never had any concept of what time it was. I'm sure there was some sort of godly lesson to be learned from that, but I never understood it.
Katie: "Lesson: You were on god's time!"
The point is, I was grateful when I got the sense the show was wrapping up, and even more grateful when the credits started rolling. And Oprah once had some thing about a "grateful journal" or something, right? So if I had one, I'd write, "Today I'm grateful that I finally reached the end of this episode of Oprah."
Yesterday was the thirteenth episode of the season, which means I'm now just over 10% finished. You think I'm going to make it?
Roughly halfway through the show, Katie was ready to give Merritt a bath. His diaper rash got pretty bad today, so we were trying to spitball ideas on how to make it better. I suggested an oatmeal bath. Katie thought that sounded brilliant, then realized all we had was the Quaker Instant Oats, Apples and Cinnamon flavor. I told her it didn't matter, and we should do it. So in went the oatmeal.
Ever seen a baby have diarrhea in a bathtub? Well, if you want to know what it looks like, but without the smell, just pour some instant oatmeal in there. Not that that's the worst part of the situation. Instant oatmeal has sugar, something I'm sure the plain old steel cut oats lack. So Merritt was getting sticky. Then he tried to stand up, and did a header right into the side of the tub. No blood, but it obviously hurt quite a lot, so Katie picked him up to hold him. That's when I returned to the bathroom to see the carnage. I sat down on the (closed) toilet to deal with getting the tub to drain, while Katie let Merritt dry himself on her clothes. I started to get a little nauseous while looking at the apple chunks as they tried to fit down the drain, and I looked up at Katie and made a face.
Katie: "You're so beautiful."
Me: "Please don't define me by my looks. [pause] Oprah taught me that."
Um try some AD ointment with baby powder everytime you change his diaper and don't use baby wipes use wet paper towels. I know it sucks but then let him air dry as much as possible it will help PROMISE!!!.
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