11/23/10 -- Marrying A Killer; Marrying Christ

This is the first of four episodes that I missed while spending my Thanksgiving at my grandparents' house. Actually, while this episode was recording on my DVR at home, I was sitting at a dead stop near exit 87 on I-84 in The Dalles, OR. For two hours. With a very bored little boy in the backseat. Not really the best part of the journey. But maybe better than sitting through this episode of Oprah.

Meet Tracy. She's 47 years old, and she had a "traditional" middle class upbringing in northern California. She has a teenage son, Ryan. Also? The woman is absolutely insane. Here are a few hints.

She's been on a "spiritual path" lately that is just changing her life. She is part of an African dance troupe (it should be noted that this is a white woman we're dealing with) that attends some sort of "celebration" at a prison every year. At this prison a few years back, Tracy met Joseph. There was an instant connection, which they both felt, and which Joseph solidified by holding out an empty hand and dropping his "heart" into Tracy's open hand. Tracy couldn't stop thinking about Joseph, but waited a year (until the next African dance troupe performance) before doing anything about it. And then she decided to just jump in to this relationship.

Oh, and Joseph is serving two life sentences without the possibility of parole, because this one time he shot five rival drug dealers, execution style, as they begged for their lives, and two of them died. I couldn't help but wonder why all five of them didn't die, since it's pretty hard to miss when you've got a bound victim on his knees in front of you. But I guess Joseph was a failure in everything he attempted in life. Until he found a new mommy in Tracy, that is.

Holiday Madness

Four days without Oprah. I feel like I'm suffering through withdrawal. What am I supposed to do, knowing that I've missed edge-of-your-seat programming like "Remembering John F. Kennedy, Jr." and "Astonishing Weddings" and left you hanging without any idea of what I think about such material?

Now, you might think I'm pretty high on myself if I believe you've actually been waiting anxiously for my take on these episodes. Luckily, I've got readers like "Erica," who help keep me in my place when my head gets too big. In case you don't go back and read all of my posts every day, just to keep yourself refreshed, here's what Erica had to say on the "America's Worst Cooks" post:

FUCK YOU! if you really don't like oprah that much then why don't you find something better to do than put her down. what have you done in your life? created a school in africa? yeah i didn't think so. why don't you take your lazy and annoying ass and put your self to something more useful than writing numerous paragraphs about a show that everyone loves. you are a fucking piece of shit for writing something like this. i hope you go to hell!

Just go ahead and add a big ol' "[sic]" to the end of that thing, because while Erica wants me to put my self (I'm assuming that would be two words in her world, much like "your self") to "something more useful," I'm guessing Erica doesn't believe that learning English--including proper grammar, spelling, punctuation, capitalization--is something useful she can do in her own life. Erica, Erica, Erica. I guess it's also useless to tell you that you've completely missed the point of the blog, since I'm quite certain that any form of comedy beyond fart jokes is far above your pay grade.

And why don't you even let me answer your questions before you assume the answers? That seems really unfair. I bet you'd feel really bad if I told you that I have, in fact, created a school in Africa, right? Boy, would that be egg on your face! Next time, maybe let someone get a word in edgewise. Let's have an open dialogue, okay, Erica? That's how we effect change in this world.

Oh, and just go ahead and do a Google search for "hate Oprah," and then come back and tell me that it's "a show that everyone loves."

Thanks for stopping by!


I'm heading back home tomorrow, and will be home either Sunday evening or Monday afternoon. Next week, we're looking at four repeat episodes. This is good news for a certain blogger who needs to catch up on some missed shows. So, stay tuned.

Erica, that means you.

Oprah's Ultimate Favorite Things -- Day Two

The winter weather conditions here in the Portland area made it so that I had to join Oprah already in progress today. Only 90 seconds into the show, but it still meant that I missed exactly how she tricked the audience. The fake set was basically the same as on Friday, and when I joined the program, Oprah was picking up an ornament that had rolled from somewhere and landed near her. This is when people began to understand what was going on, and then Oprah officially told them it was day two of her "Ultimate Favorite Things." Cue the insanity.

Okay, I literally just spent the last 40 minutes distracted from this post because I couldn't pull myself away from a website I just learned about: STFU, Parents. And since I'm getting up super early in the morning to make my drive eastward for the holiday, I am now sorry to tell you that it is you, dear reader, who will suffer because you're just not going to get a really thorough post.

There are basics that you should know, like that Gayle flew in to be in the audience just so she could see how happy everyone was. Or that Stedman was in the control room (though we saw no proof of this), attending just his third taping of the show. Guess you have to marry a guy to get him to actually be supportive, huh, Opes?

Also, in this episode we still didn't learn much about who these people in the two audiences were. In the beginning, Oprah introduced them as "heroes, givers, ultimate viewers." Then there was mention of a group of cookie-baking friends who help charities, and a teacher who funds scholarships for students. But where the hell did these people come from? How did Oprah's staff find out about them? I'm so confused.

On to the gifts. If you feel like commenting, I have a game. Pretend this was The Price is Right, and this show and Friday's show were the two packages in the Showcase Showdown. You won the most in your game, so you get to decide whether to bid or pass. So when Drew Carey asks, what do you?

11/19/10 -- Oprah's Ultimate Favorite Things

Want to know what's not one of my ultimate favorite things? A peritonsillar abscess. But I'm on the mend, folks. And I'm glad I wasn't on anything stronger than Advil when I watched this episode, because it is weird enough watching 200 people lose their shit over getting some candles from Oprah.

You know the deal, right? Oprah does this every year. Has for a while now. She can have whatever she wants, and she probably gets a lot of it for free even though she can certainly afford it, so she passes it on to her audience once a year. There's probably a debate in here about rampant consumerism and greed and the proper way to use all that damn money, but screw it. Let's get to the stuff!

The show started off weirdly, with Oprah standing in front of the audience, two chairs behind her and the rest of the stage covered by a sort of screen. Oprah somewhat vaguely told us that the audience was full of people who "give back" all year round. Not a lot of details there. Later she mentioned something about a woman going to Africa to do some stuff, and some other woman saving homeless dogs, but there are no real stories. I have no idea how this audience was chosen. Did people write in about themselves? Did friends write in for them? Or are they really just a random bunch, but Oprah wants us to believe they're deserving of all this stuff? Who knows? Who cares? Stuff!

Oprah was wearing a weird outfit, which I said made her look like a bumblebee. Turns out it was just for show, because after some babble about the importance of meditation, Oprah told her audience to "meditate on this," and as they heard the sound of jingle bells, Oprah tore off her bumblebee outfit to reveal the more Christmas appropriate one underneath. That was kind of hilarious. Oprah was wearing tearaway clothes, for god's sake.

11/18/10 -- Makeovers with Carson Kressley

My sister tells me that having a peritonsillar abscess is no excuse for skipping a blog posting. Yesterday I was plagued by an inability to swallow without insane pain. Like, every time I forced myself to choke down some water so I wouldn't completely dehydrate, I also had to punch myself in the leg. I got a milkshake, and I didn't want any of it. Maybe you don't know this about me, but I might cut off a limb if it meant I could get some ice cream. So, this whole not wanting a milkshake business? Not normal.

This is all to say that I am disagreeing with my sister. I firmly believe I was well within my rights to slack off this week. Even now, drinking water or trying to eat applesauce or another milkshake is not the most pleasant experience, but it seems like the antibiotics and anti-inflammatory drugs are working their magic. Which means that next week's excuse will be the holiday, and not this blogger's extreme illness.

And now I have to tell you that I don't even know how to write about a makeover show. It's not like I took pictures of every couple who got the Carson Kressley treatment, so what good does it do for me to say, "This was a good makeover" or "They looked really great"? Answer: It does no good at all.

So, Kressley has had some major work done on his face. And Oprah herself looked like she could use a makeover during this episode. It's not that she looked bad; it's just that she didn't look like a woman with a nationally syndicated talk show. Unless that nationally syndicated talk show is about women who've just gotten back from the gym after a long day at work.

That's all I have. I'm not joking. Carson has had work done, he's super gay and seems nice enough, and Oprah needed to have him give her the once-over before she came out on stage. The end.


Friday: Oprah's Ultimate Favorite Things

11/16 & 11/17 -- Barbra & Miracles

Today I did something I've never done before, and hope to never have to do again: I watched two episodes of Oprah, back-to-back. I don't recommend this, but I didn't have a choice. I'm on day ten or so of this illness, and after a few days of feeling like I was getting better, the thing has officially come back to, it seems, seek vengeance for some wrong I've committed.

So, I've been up the last two nights, coughing like crazy. All day today, I've suffered through a sore throat that is specific to one tiny location in my throat that seems to remain unaffected by even the largest quantities of Chloraseptic. My ear hurts. My glands are so swollen and tender to the touch. I am, in other words, not a well woman.

And so I skipped a day. But I can't allow this to continue, so I'm here, writing from bed at 8:30, Vicodin on board, prepared to crash the second I hit "publish post."

First up, Barbra Streisand. I hadn't been looking forward to this one, and when I started it, Katie asked me why I don't like Babs. I didn't have a specific reason, other than I've always gotten the impression that the woman is a bit of a pompous asshole. It didn't take much for Streisand to prove me correct, because once she came out on the set, she sat in the chair on stage left, and Oprah sat in the chair on stage right. Read that again, then ask yourselves how many times you've ever seen that happen. Oprah never sits anywhere but stage left, which means that Barbra must have something in her contract about only being shot from her left side. That means that even on Oprah's own show, Streisand is more powerful.

If you're a huge Barbra fan, I'm sure you just loved this episode. Streisand talked about only liking to sing when she's not in front of an audience, because she feels pressure when she's in front of the audience. So, Oprah made her sing "The Way We Were." I've never seen the movie, and the first time I heard the song was when the "adult" Tom Hanks sang it over the phone to his mother in Big. I preferred that version.

11/15/10 -- The Color Purple Reunion

During my last semester of college at NYU, I scheduled every one of my classes to fall on a Thursday. This meant I had no classes any other day of the week. Of course, it also meant I had classes all day Thursday, from about eight in the morning until nine in the evening, so that really sucked. The final class began around eight p.m., and I can still remember the feeling of dread I had walking up to the building for this class every week. It was Global Women's Writing, which featured an annoying teacher and fifteen other chicks who all seemed to want to be there to read the kind of "I am woman, hear me roar as I write bad beat poetry and/or prose" stuff we were required to read.

The only author I can remember from that awful class is Alice Walker. Alice Walker wrote The Color Purple. We didn't read that one in class, and I have in fact never read the book, but that doesn't matter. I associate Alice Walker with the worst class I have ever taken, and Alice Walker wrote this book. So by extension, I hate the book and everything associated with it.

Okay, that's not entirely true. I've seen The Color Purple one time, and I remember virtually nothing. I guess I thought it was a little melodramatic, and that I could take it or leave it.

So, I guess you've gotten the impression that I wasn't exactly excited about this reunion episode. I was mostly indifferent, and just looking to get through it. I watched it last night, and took notes, and then stayed up until 3:30 a.m., coughing my brains out because my cold has moved into my lungs. So, writing about Whoopi and Oprah reconciling over a non-existent fight was not high on my to-do list.

11/12/10 -- 200 Men (and Tyler Perry) Part II

Last week, when the first part of this "landmark" special aired, it somehow completely slipped my mind that I have a son. How about that? Somehow, my one-year old boy didn't enter into my consciousness while watching a show about male victims of sexual abuse. It wasn't until after the episode aired, and even after I'd written about it, that it finally dawned on me. When I told Katie, she was all, "Duh." Apparently she had been thinking about Merritt the entire time. That's some awesome parenting right there.

Of course, Katie is on top of this stuff. Even though Merritt is a baby, and is never really around anyone but us or his father, she's always on the lookout for signs that something is amiss. When we were in the grocery store two weeks ago and an older gentleman spotted Merritt in the cart and tried to get him to wave, Katie smiled obligingly, waited for the man to leave, then said, "That guy was trying to groom Merritt."

All that said, I don't think I would have written the last post on this subject any differently had I remembered that I have a potential victim of sexual abuse sleeping under my roof. I can realize my job to protect Merritt from these predators, and still be annoyed by both Oprah and Tyler Perry.

This episode was just more of the same, really. Though I guess this week's stories were more geared to how the men are dealing with their lives now, as opposed to what happened to them as children. One fat dude in the audience hasn't had sex with his wife in eight years because he's so traumatized over what happened to him as a child. His wife just needed to take one look at his neck (or lack thereof) and count her blessings, if you ask me.

We heard more from Dr. Fradkin, who has a Ph.D. and has worked with over a thousand male sexual abuse victims. You'd think that would make him pretty knowledgeable on the subject, but don't go telling Oprah and Tyler that. Otherwise they might think it was wrong of them to interrupt the dude frequently to interject their own asinine commentary. Here's an idea: if you bring an expert on to the show, maybe give him a chance to finish his own sentences. There's a chance that his doctorate degree trumps your 25 years as a talk show host, or your experience dressing up as an old, crazy black woman.

Marie Osmond

I have not yet decided on what will be Ope-book #2, so for today's episode I didn't even take notes. And that's probably for the best. I could write about Marie Osmond's ridiculously over-plumped lips, or Oprah's heinous gold outfit (which a friend of mine said she thought was an "ode to Osmond's Vegas show"), or how I thought it was lame of the Oprah team to keep in the moment when Marie had to start over with the song she was performing in honor of her son. Such an emotional moment couldn't possibly have been trimmed out of the episode, right, guys? That would be just as bad as ditching the fog machines or the starry backdrop with the gauzy white curtains. Just not an option.

I could write about how I think it's weird that 100% of the proceeds from Osmond's new album will be going to the Children's Miracle Network. Wouldn't it make more sense for them to go to some sort of suicide hotline or something else related to the cause of her son's death? I'm glad she's not making a profit, but she's putting out an album (available at Wal-Mart!), and on it is the aria she sang on Oprah, which she apparently did for her son, because he loved that she sang opera. So how about honoring him further by donating the money to where it might help prevent another mother from going through the same thing you're going through?

So, yeah, I could write about all of that. But suicide doesn't really call for much more snark than what I've written above. It's affected the lives of a lot of people, and it's an awful, awful thing to deal with when it happens. And I speak from just the smallest amount of experience: Two weeks from today will be the eighth anniversary of my sister's childhood best friend's suicide.

I wrote about Lisa's death back in 2006, so I'm just going to end this with an excerpt from that post. And given that so many kids these days are driven to suicide because of bullying due to homosexuality, I also want to share the link to Dan Savage's "It Gets Better" project. Someone, somewhere has to tell these kids, gay or not, that what they're going through right now will pass.

From "Lisa," posted on November 26, 2006:

Al, Lisa and I went to the mall at some point that weekend in Newport. I don’t know what we were talking about, but the conversation turned to the idea of perception. Al pointed to a blue sweater and said that we could all be seeing it as a different color, since there was no real way of knowing what someone else was seeing.

As I try now to come to grips with Lisa’s death, the only thing I can think is that maybe that problem of perception is what got to her. Maybe the shade of blue Lisa was seeing in her world was too much for her to handle. And maybe I just can’t understand because I don’t know what it was like to look at things through her eyes. I just hope that things look a little different to her wherever she is now.

Tomorrow: Part Two of the 200 Men (& Tyler Perry) saga.

Talk Show Hosts

Look, I don't know how Oprah does this. She has what are supposed to be heavy-hitting, or at least emotional, shows, followed right after by a bunch of fluff. It's a quick adjustment for me to make, to go from the rant against Bush's appearance yesterday to a giggle over Sally Jessy Raphael telling the audience that she got her trademark red glasses simply because she once got a pap smear, and that entitled her to a pair of glasses for $19.95.

I guess I don't have to wonder how Oprah herself manages this shift, since she thought the Bush episode was all fun and games anyway. So to her, pretending that she actually thinks of herself in the same category as any of the people who were on the stage today (other than probably Phil Donahue) is the same as pretending that George W. Bush isn't a hateful man who essentially destroyed this nation.

I kind of don't know what to do with this one. The show featured Phil Donahue, Sally Jessy Raphael, Geraldo Rivera, Montel Williams, and Ricki Lake. At one point, Oprah asked the guests if they had ever regretted a show they had done. Donahue said that some episodes lasted longer than others, and Oprah commiserated, saying that sometimes she can't believe it when "Dean" (I'm guessing that's either her stage manager or director) tells her what segment they're on in a particular show, because she's already so bored.

Yes. Exactly.

So, Donahue started this for everyone. His show was syndicated for 26 years. He had controversial topics. He introduced the idea of going into the audience so they could ask questions of the guests. I liked the dude.

Bush

To me, being the leader of a nation as influential as this one requires a little thing called nuance. You have to be delicate about things. It's not cool to just go around imposing your will on every nation out there, just because you fancy yourself "the leader of the free world." No. You have to use diplomacy. You have to be willing to compromise. You have to want to say, first and foremost, "Okay, I see where you're coming from, and since we're all citizens of this planet, let's find a way to work together."

Being that leader also requires intelligence. Nuance is a part of that intelligence, since you have to know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em, so to speak. Grammar is a part of that intelligence. So things like, "Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" shouldn't ever come out of your mouth. Especially when it's not the only time you've ever said anything like that. No, actually, especially when you are seemingly physically incapable of putting together more than one grammatically correct sentence in a row.

So, we've got intelligence and nuance, along with a whole bunch of other things required to be the president of this country. That is, they were required prior to 2000, when a good ol' boy somehow wormed his way into the hearts of the American people (or at least into the hearts of the Supreme Court, who decided, without constitutional authority, that he should be crowned the winner) and took over this nation. He then promptly drove it straight into the ground with his aw-shucks-I'm-from-Texas-isn't-being-dumb-funny-who-likes-the-intellectuals-on-the-left-talking-down-to-us-normal-folk-I'm-going-to-get-Osama-dead-or-alive-and-did-I-mention-I'm-from-Texas-and-I-enjoy-clearing-brush attitude. He alienated other countries (and Republicans took the stance--or maybe they always had this belief--that it shouldn't matter what other countries think, because we're America, god damn it) and alienated half of the citizens of his own nation.

And then he took a giant surplus given to him by his predecessor, and turned it into the largest deficit in U.S. history.

Oh yeah, and he started an illegal war that killed thousands of American soldiers/airmen/Marines.

Katherine Jackson

I'm sick. And not just because my stomach is churning over the idea of watching George W. Bush smirk his way through an interview on tomorrow's show. No, I'm legitimately ill. Running a fever and everything. I can't even remember the last time I was sick, so this is weird. A few hours ago, I was certain I wasn't going to be able to write this post, or even watch the episode. But Sudafed, Tylenol, and the love of a good woman can do magical things. So here I am. You're welcome.

Let me just say that this was sad. The weird Jackson history aside, it's never easy to watch a mother who has lost a child. But I do also need you to know that I was never into Michael Jackson. I didn't get the phenomenon. Shortly after Michael's death, a black friend said I probably didn't get it because I'm not black. And to that I say: neither was Michael Jackson.

Insert rimshot here.

So, to Katherine Jackson, or "Mrs. Jackson," as Oprah called her throughout the interview. This interview, like the one with J.K. Rowling or the cast of The Sound of Music, featured its very own graphic. Oprah's name was still in a bigger font than her interviewee's, but this time the ampersand dominated the graphic, so much so that it looked like Oprah and Katherine Jackson were interviewing an ampersand. Seriously, look at this thing:

The house in that image is Hayvenhurst, which has been the Jackson family home for the last 40 years. Oprah continued her habit this season of going to interview people in different locations, so she traveled to Encino, California, and sat with Mrs. Jackson in her home.

11/5/10 -- 200 Men (and Tyler Perry)

I'm torn about this episode. I know it's important for victims of sexual abuse to speak out about what happened to them. I know that it helps other victims, and that it might even allow potential victims to stop the abuse before it begins.

But I also know that this episode was so boring. You'd think a bunch of stories about sexual abuse would at least be compelling, but they weren't. This episode just dragged on and on, and Katie even fell asleep before it was over. I stayed awake because it is my responsibility to do so, but we went to bed right after the credits rolled. Here's why that should mean something to you: We got in bed, and five minutes later, our phone rang. I wondered who the hell would be calling us so late. Katie got up to answer the phone, but missed it, and noted that it was my sister's number on the caller ID. Then my cell phone started ringing, and I wondered why my sister would be calling us so late. Katie picked up her phone to check the time.

Katie: It's 8:56.

So, you see, Oprah had bored us to the point of exhaustion, so that we had to retire to bed before 9 p.m. On a Saturday night.

And it wasn't just boring. It was also ridiculously dramatic. The show opened with Oprah standing on the stage, surrounded by a bunch of men, each of whom was holding a picture of himself as a child. No music played in the background. Oprah pointed out all the men, and then there was just silence as the camera panned the audience. I rolled my eyes and groaned. I couldn't help it.

I guess they went to commercial or something, and when they came back, Tyler Perry was on stage with Oprah, and we got to watch a recap of his appearance on the October 20 show. And because I both watched that episode and wrote about it, I got to fast forward through that. Perry appeared to be wearing almost exactly the same thing in this episode as he was on October 20. Just a slightly different jacket. And his beard was only marginally thicker.

Teen Heartthrob Surprises

Oprah started off this week by at least giving me shows I could relate to, what with the gay people involved. And then yesterday's was about camping, which I've never done and never will do, but at least it was funny.

But I knew today's show was going to be completely foreign to me when Oprah opened it up by saying, "Everybody had some dreamy heartthrob's poster on their wall, right?" Um, no. Not everybody. I remember that I liked New Kids on the Block when I was eleven or twelve years old, but that was entirely because my best friend Natalie liked them, and I thought I was supposed to as well. I claimed that Jordan was my favorite, but I really didn't care. I didn't have his poster on my wall, and I didn't go to sleep holding a Tiger Beat or kissing it goodnight or whatever.

I can't relate at all to the screaming adolescent girls who go crazy for these boys. Who, I might add, pretty much look like girls themselves at the height of their popularity. I don't know what it says about young girls, but there is a tendency for them to gravitate to the male singers who are slightly more effeminate. Sometimes the boys are pre-pubescent themselves, and sometimes they just look that way. But either way, the soft, sometimes feathered hair and the even softer features seem to be have always been big selling points in creating a phenomenon that would make those little girls lose their minds. It was true back when guys like Shaun Cassidy and Donny Osmond were big, and it's true now. Do you see anything virile about the Jonas Brothers or Justin Bieber?

So, I spent a lot of this episode shaking my head in disbelief. I had crushes on girls when I was younger (though I often didn't know that's what they were), but it was never to the point of screaming or crying about it. It's just hard to wrap my head around this concept. That's all I'm saying.

Oprah & Gayle's Big Yosemite Camping Adventure: Part II

Oprah and Gayle are funny together. That theory was advanced in part one of this Yosemite camping adventure, and confirmed in part two. These two can make some entertaining television when they feel like it.

The episode opened with Oprah emerging from the Coleman camper that she supposedly gave away to Woody Square in part one. Gayle came out next, and I swore she came from another camper on the other side of the stage, while Katie insists that Gayle came out of the same camper as Oprah. Since I deleted the episode, I may be unable to prove either of us correct. Anyone remember the beginning of the episode?

Oprah introduced us to a recap of part one, which made me giggle all over again, especially when we got a replay of Oprah squeezing the lime with her teeth. In the new footage from their first (and last) night at the campground, we started with dinner. Gayle thought Oprah should keep it simple, with maybe a burger and a Pepperidge Farm onion bun (I bet PF liked the free publicity there), but Oprah was not having that. Apparently she likes to cook, and her crew had provided her with quite the food supply, so she decided on making some sea bass. At a campground. In an interview taped later, Oprah said that she and Gayle have been friends for 30 years, and Gayle has never cooked even an egg or a piece of toast in all that time. So cooking was Oprah's job.

One of the neighbors from part one dropped by to give Oprah a recipe for chile relleno, which Oprah did not pronounce correctly. When the neighbor left, Oprah put on some goggles (as you do) and got ready to cook over the raging fire she created. But the flames were so intense that they had to sit and wait for at least 30 minutes before the thing had died down enough for cooking. They made the sea bass, and made some potatoes that took too long to cook. So long that after their meal, we got a shot of the potatoes still on the fire, along with Oprah saying that "by tomorrow, those potatoes will be done."

11/2/10 -- Ricky Martin

Part two of Oprah & Gayle's Big Yosemite Camping Adventure is airing in roughly three hours. But first I have to get through writing about Ricky Martin. I guess I should never have told you people that I have a rule about posting before midnight on the day an episode airs. Now you expect me to follow through on that one, and here it is after noon the following day, and I have yet to write a word. Such a disappointment.

Ricky Martin has been gay forever. We've all known it since the day he showed up on the "scene." According to Oprah, Martin "gave one of the most explosive performances in television history" at the 1999 Grammys. With this and calling Ellen and Portia "one of the most celebrated couples in history," I have to wonder who's writing for Oprah these days. Whoever it is sure likes superlatives. Does anyone actually remember that Grammy performance? I don't. I guess I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I mean, it wasn't Madonna rolling around in a wedding dress or anything.

Anyway, despite the fact that most breathing human beings have always known that Ricky Martin is gay, he only officially came out in March 2010. After how many years without really being in the spotlight? Guess it seemed like the right time for him to get back in the public eye. Maybe he had always been afraid of ruining his career, but it's hard to ruin a career when you don't have one to speak of, right?

Ricky and I disagree on something, and thankfully Oprah ends up being on my side in this debate, too. After talking about a Barbara Walters interview in which Walters asked Martin about the gay rumors, Martin said, "When someone is not ready, we must not try to force that person to come out."

11/1/10 -- Portia de Rossi

Roughly eight years ago, I was at a bar in Los Angeles with a group of friends. Some of these friends were straight, and some were gay, and we were all at a bar called "The Abbey" on a Thursday night. Thursday nights at The Abbey had become "lesbian nights," even though The Abbey wasn't technically a gay bar. So, my friends dragged me, kicking and screaming (probably literally), to this bar, mainly so that I could be the one to hold their purses while they were on the dance floor.

I don't dance.

At some point during this evening, one of us noticed a woman standing against a wall. Ally McBeal had just gone off the air at some point that year, and all of us were familiar with the program. So when we saw this woman, we instantly recognized that it was Portia de Rossi. She was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, with a hoodie tied around her waist. Her hair was pulled up in a ponytail, and she did not appear to be wearing any makeup. And still, all of us (maybe four or five people, all women, but some straight) agreed that de Rossi was easily the most beautiful woman we had ever seen in person. She was simply stunning.

Cut to about eight years later. Today, in fact. At the beginning of today's episode, Oprah introduced de Rossi as "half of one of the most celebrated couples in history." And I groaned.  Apparently I'm to believe that Ellen and Portia are the Antony and Cleopatra of our day. Excellent. This was a good start to a show that existed so that de Rossi could highlight her new book, "Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain," which is all about her battle with eating disorders and being gay.