11/5/10 -- 200 Men (and Tyler Perry)

I'm torn about this episode. I know it's important for victims of sexual abuse to speak out about what happened to them. I know that it helps other victims, and that it might even allow potential victims to stop the abuse before it begins.

But I also know that this episode was so boring. You'd think a bunch of stories about sexual abuse would at least be compelling, but they weren't. This episode just dragged on and on, and Katie even fell asleep before it was over. I stayed awake because it is my responsibility to do so, but we went to bed right after the credits rolled. Here's why that should mean something to you: We got in bed, and five minutes later, our phone rang. I wondered who the hell would be calling us so late. Katie got up to answer the phone, but missed it, and noted that it was my sister's number on the caller ID. Then my cell phone started ringing, and I wondered why my sister would be calling us so late. Katie picked up her phone to check the time.

Katie: It's 8:56.

So, you see, Oprah had bored us to the point of exhaustion, so that we had to retire to bed before 9 p.m. On a Saturday night.

And it wasn't just boring. It was also ridiculously dramatic. The show opened with Oprah standing on the stage, surrounded by a bunch of men, each of whom was holding a picture of himself as a child. No music played in the background. Oprah pointed out all the men, and then there was just silence as the camera panned the audience. I rolled my eyes and groaned. I couldn't help it.

I guess they went to commercial or something, and when they came back, Tyler Perry was on stage with Oprah, and we got to watch a recap of his appearance on the October 20 show. And because I both watched that episode and wrote about it, I got to fast forward through that. Perry appeared to be wearing almost exactly the same thing in this episode as he was on October 20. Just a slightly different jacket. And his beard was only marginally thicker.



Ten minutes into the episode, there was already talk about this being a "landmark hour" of television. I feel like you at least have to let us get through the whole thing before you can start making those claims, Oprah crew. Also, isn't calling your own show "landmark" pretty much as douchey as giving yourself a nickname, or talking about how much character you have? You let other people say those things for you.

Oprah also made a point to tell us, "I don't think [this has] ever happened on television before." Well, no shit. What a revelation. You're saying no one has ever gotten 200 men together to talk about sexual abuse? If that had happened before, don't you think someone might remember that, so you wouldn't have to say that you don't "think" it's ever happened?

All right, so there were 200 men, and thankfully we didn't have to hear the abuse story from each of them. The show maybe interviewed all of them, and then picked the best (or I guess worst, in this case) stories to showcase in taped segments that aired throughout the show. In black and white. Obviously. Because nothing screams melodramatic like black and white daytime television.

Certain people's stories were interesting enough to Oprah that she interviewed them personally on stage. She thought Patrick and Kevin, twin brothers, had the worst story she's ever heard. A priest molested them for thirteen years, often sodomizing them with a candle. Soon he decided he'd like to see them sodomize one another with a candle, and then he brought in other priests, and so on. Not pretty, obviously.

Tyler Perry sat there and basically nodded and occasionally added a pointless comment, and I wondered why he was even there at all.

Oprah told us that talking about sexual abuse is "a hard thing for anybody to say. A really difficult thing for a man to say." I don't know. Maybe it wouldn't be so extra hard for a man to say if everyone didn't act like it was so much harder for them to say it. It's a vicious cycle.

The only other person allowed up on stage to speak with Oprah was Chad, a 30-year old father of two. Chad's biological father molested him for seven years, mostly by forcing Chad to perform oral sex on him. When Oprah was speaking to Chad about his being affected by his abuse, she began a sentence with, "Every time your father would lay with you..." Whoa. Way to throw out a biblical term, Opes.

Chad's father admitted to Oprah producers that he had abused his son. The father was originally going to come on the show, but then backed out. And Oprah said her team decided anyway that the episode should be about the victims, not the molesters. But you made that decision after he said he wasn't coming on the show? Glad that worked out for you.

Chad's mother is still with his father, which is just plain sick. Chad's story, to me, is way worse than that of Patrick and Kevin. You know, if you want to start ranking sexual abuse stories.

At some point in the episode, Katie mentioned Cher. I don't know why. Neither of us can remember how this came up, but it did. And it was at that point that I decided to break out my Cher impersonation. Well, actually, my impersonation of Jack from Will & Grace impersonating Cher (1:20 into that YouTube video). Katie couldn't breathe because she was laughing so hard, and then I admitted that this was my first time ever doing that impersonation.

Katie: Landmark.

I don't believe every episode of Oprah is available to watch in full on her website, but this one is. So if you missed it, and you would like to take in a bunch of silent melodrama, follow this link.

I was so proud that I had finished this episode, and then finished writing about it. Then I went to Oprah's page to find out what's happening next week, and I learned that the second part of this "200 Men" episode will air next Friday. That's after Michael Jackson's mom and George W. Bush in the beginning of the week.

The good news? 40 episodes down, only 90 to go.

Heaven help me.