11/1/10 -- Portia de Rossi

Roughly eight years ago, I was at a bar in Los Angeles with a group of friends. Some of these friends were straight, and some were gay, and we were all at a bar called "The Abbey" on a Thursday night. Thursday nights at The Abbey had become "lesbian nights," even though The Abbey wasn't technically a gay bar. So, my friends dragged me, kicking and screaming (probably literally), to this bar, mainly so that I could be the one to hold their purses while they were on the dance floor.

I don't dance.

At some point during this evening, one of us noticed a woman standing against a wall. Ally McBeal had just gone off the air at some point that year, and all of us were familiar with the program. So when we saw this woman, we instantly recognized that it was Portia de Rossi. She was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, with a hoodie tied around her waist. Her hair was pulled up in a ponytail, and she did not appear to be wearing any makeup. And still, all of us (maybe four or five people, all women, but some straight) agreed that de Rossi was easily the most beautiful woman we had ever seen in person. She was simply stunning.

Cut to about eight years later. Today, in fact. At the beginning of today's episode, Oprah introduced de Rossi as "half of one of the most celebrated couples in history." And I groaned.  Apparently I'm to believe that Ellen and Portia are the Antony and Cleopatra of our day. Excellent. This was a good start to a show that existed so that de Rossi could highlight her new book, "Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain," which is all about her battle with eating disorders and being gay.



Portia struggled with eating disorders, at one point survived on 150-300 calories a day, and got herself down to a svelte 82 pounds in 2000. She wanted to write this book so that everyone who has dealt with these issues could hear her story. But, as she said, she was "...kind of afraid to do it because [she] thought maybe everyone would think that [she's] nuts."

Don't worry, Portia. Ellen is familiar with having a crazy woman in her life.

Ellen's original sitcom, which debuted as These Friends of Mine but then became Ellen, premiered in March 1994, when I was thirteen years old. I don't have a specific memory of seeing the pilot, but I do remember being into the show from the very beginning. I worshipped Ellen. I clung to everything she did. When she wrote a book, I bought it and read it on the bus on the way to a debate trip my sophomore year, until my friends took the book away because I was laughing out loud so frequently that it was driving them insane. When I wrote my "bucket list" (though no one called it that back then) at some point during my teen years, the number one thing on the list was "meet and work with Ellen DeGeneres." Incidentally, number two was "meet all three Judd women," which I crossed off my list in 2000. But that's a story for another day.

In 1997, when I was a junior in high school, Ellen came out on her sitcom and in reality. I was glued to the television for the coming out episode (named The Puppy Episode, due to some executive's suggestion that Ellen's character get a puppy since she showed no interest in dating), to the point where I remember writing down my favorite lines so that I could talk about them with my friends. I believe it to be only coincidental that I was so in love with Ellen and then also happened to turn out gay, though I'm sure it seems like I'm just providing evidence as to why I should have known I was gay before I came out at eighteen.

Back on Oprah, Portia de Rossi displayed some real emotion several times during the hour. I noticed that her hands were shaking at one point, which was almost nice to see. It showed there was some humanity there, even if this show was done clearly to promote the new book she released today. Coming back from a commercial break, we saw a tape of Portia reading a portion of her book aloud. The word "shit" was bleeped out, though "dyke" was not. I wondered if a black author were to come on and read a portion of a book that included "the n-word," would Oprah decide that should be bleeped? I'm not trying to be contrary here; this is a legitimate question.

When I was 24 and living in Hollywood, a friend of a friend got me in with Alex Hedison, Ellen's girlfriend at the time. Alex was doing a short student film for AFI, and needed help. So I volunteered as a key production assistant, and worked on the movie. We shot for two days at one of the houses she and Ellen shared, and I worked my ass off on the film. It was non-union, which meant I could do all kinds of jobs, and I did. I enjoyed the work, so it wasn't entirely in the hopes that Ellen might notice me, since she was frequently on set. I had a great time over those two days, and when we were done that second night, I gave Alex a bottle of champagne and a card to congratulate her on finishing the film.

Somehow, it ended up being me, Alex, and Ellen standing together in the kitchen of the house. I was getting ready to leave when Alex said, "You know, Erin worked really hard on this film."

Ellen: Yeah, I noticed that.

Alex: You should get her a job on your show.

At that point, I don't think I could feel any of my limbs. But Ellen's phone rang, and she answered it, and I was certain that the moment had passed. When Ellen hung up the phone, though, Alex ensured that I would love her forever when she said, "So, maybe you should hire Erin for the show."

Ellen picked the phone back up and called her assistant, Craig. She got his voicemail.

Ellen: Craig, I have Erin here, and she said she wants to come work for the show as my co-host. But I thought we could start her off as a production assistant.

She gave Craig my phone number. I thanked her. She said, "You're welcome." I literally skipped out of the house and up the driveway to my car.

And so it was that I came to be a crew member on the second season of The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

And how I came to cross number one off that bucket list.

Oh yeah. And Portia was on Oprah today. She cried when Oprah said that she got more hate mail than she ever had in her career after she played the therapist in The Puppy Episode. She told a story about not fitting into size four outfits for a L'Oreal commercial, and how devastated she was to have people find out she was a size eight. She wore Louboutins. Oprah didn't. The same thing happened with J.K. Rowling. Perhaps Oprah can't wear them the same day a guest does? That doesn't make sense.

In case you haven't guessed it by now, this post is about me.

I worked for the show during the 2004-2005 season. At first, I was just a normal production assistant, going on runs and setting up dinner on shoot days and all that. Then, I got the opportunity to run the "B" camera on field shoots, which we did on most Fridays. Which meant that every now and then, things I shot ended up on television. Like when Ellen went to a psychic bookstore. According to the director of this piece, Ellen's favorite shot came at 3:40 into this video:



And I was behind the camera for that shot (as well as countless others in this piece and many others).

In the second half of the season, I became more involved in the human interest side of the show. I went through emails and found stories I thought would work. I found a woman who had laughed so hard while watching Ellen's sitcom that she swallowed a needle she was holding in her mouth. That woman got on the show. I babysat the guests when they showed up, calming nerves and just getting them prepared for their segment. I'm not saying I was super integral to the operation, but I had my role, and I did it well.

During that second half of the season, I met Portia. It was shortly after we came back from Christmas break, and Betty, Ellen's mother, stopped by Ellen's assistant's office to introduce Portia. I happened to be in the office, so I met her, too. I still thought she was beautiful, but I was sad to learn that the tabloids had been right about Ellen's split with Alex. Over Christmas, I had refused to believe it, since I had just seen them together right before Thanksgiving break, and everything seemed fine. But meeting Portia confirmed that the National Enquirer is almost always correct.

In August 2005, I went with part of the crew to Orange County so that we could shoot some promos for that area. We went to a Costco and to a gym, and maybe somewhere else, shooting for two days. We had been off for the summer, so this was the first time back in two months, and we were due to officially come back from summer hiatus the following week. Something felt a little off those two days. I don't know exactly how to describe it, but some of the writers were treating me oddly, and my jokes (the one or two that I made) fell flat or were even regarded negatively. I called my girlfriend at the time and told her that I didn't like the vibe I was getting. But I gritted my teeth and did my job, figuring everyone was just getting used to being back at work after the break.

We got back to Los Angeles and the executive in charge of production gave me my start date for the season, which was about five days in the future. Three days after that, he called me up and fired me. Just like that. No warning. He said, "Someone didn't like your attitude on the Orange Country shoot." No word on who the "someone" was, or what exactly was wrong with my attitude.

You wouldn't know it from the massive amount of words compiled here, but I hate telling this story. I hate that it looks like I'm leaving out something major, something that would explain exactly why I got fired from the only job I had ever wanted. I hate that working for Ellen had begun to disillusion me of my image of her, and that getting fired only served to solidify my negative opinion of her.

But most of all, I hate that I have to hate Ellen. I loved her for so long. The only thing I ever wanted to do was be a part of what she was doing, whatever it was. And I just got dumped. It was, to say the least, heartbreaking. I am clearly still not completely over it.

In the present day, Portia and Ellen have never let cameras tour their 26-acre farm outside Los Angeles, but we've learned of the power of Oprah by now, so we got in to their refuge, where they go to "get away from it all." I guess "it all" means their McMansion in the heart of Los Angeles.

Oprah asked Portia what she does for exercise and diet now. She said she doesn't like the word exercise, and she doesn't like to do it. Oprah said, "hallelujah," and the audience applauded. I don't really know why. Sure, no one likes to exercise. But it's a necessary evil, right? I don't get Oprah getting excited over that, given that she's been an advocate of health and fitness for years now, hasn't she?

Portia also said that she doesn't like the idea of dieting, so she doesn't limit herself. She believes that if you can eat as much of anything you want, anytime you want it, eventually you'll start to not want so much of it anymore. Clearly, she has never seen me around mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Look, Portia didn't really do all that much to bother me in this episode. But I still don't have to like her. And Oprah can "celebrate" this couple all she wants, but I'm not going to be a part of it. I think Ellen has let fame go to her head, and is not exactly the nice, down-to-earth girl that her fans seem to think she is. That's not something that I am saying only because I am bitter about being fired. I had started to grasp this idea while I was still at the show, but obviously getting fired made me come to the conclusion officially.

It wasn't like I was a nameless face in the crew. Ellen knew who I was. She had hired me, after all. So when I was working for her and my parents' 25th anniversary rolled around in December, I asked her to record a message for a video I was making for them. This is the raw footage of what she did. Look closely and you'll see me in the mirror, holding the camera. Listen closely and you'll hear my voice.

Ellen hired me. She liked me. She marveled over my ability to instantly tell her how many letters are in any word. She hugged me after I wrote her a nice card at the end of the season. She knew my name, and she knew I was over the moon to work for her. And ever since I got fired, all I have wondered is if Ellen even noticed I was gone.

I don't wallow in this daily anymore, but I also certainly don't ever watch Ellen's show, and I often consider it a betrayal if a friend still watches, and especially if that friend tries to tell me something hilarious that he/she saw on the show. I groan when I see Ellen interviewed anywhere, and I just generally try to avoid her at all costs. And it works for me. So, after more than 2,300 words on the subject, let's end the pity party here.


Tomorrow: More gay. Ricky Martin.