11/23/10 -- Marrying A Killer; Marrying Christ

This is the first of four episodes that I missed while spending my Thanksgiving at my grandparents' house. Actually, while this episode was recording on my DVR at home, I was sitting at a dead stop near exit 87 on I-84 in The Dalles, OR. For two hours. With a very bored little boy in the backseat. Not really the best part of the journey. But maybe better than sitting through this episode of Oprah.

Meet Tracy. She's 47 years old, and she had a "traditional" middle class upbringing in northern California. She has a teenage son, Ryan. Also? The woman is absolutely insane. Here are a few hints.

She's been on a "spiritual path" lately that is just changing her life. She is part of an African dance troupe (it should be noted that this is a white woman we're dealing with) that attends some sort of "celebration" at a prison every year. At this prison a few years back, Tracy met Joseph. There was an instant connection, which they both felt, and which Joseph solidified by holding out an empty hand and dropping his "heart" into Tracy's open hand. Tracy couldn't stop thinking about Joseph, but waited a year (until the next African dance troupe performance) before doing anything about it. And then she decided to just jump in to this relationship.

Oh, and Joseph is serving two life sentences without the possibility of parole, because this one time he shot five rival drug dealers, execution style, as they begged for their lives, and two of them died. I couldn't help but wonder why all five of them didn't die, since it's pretty hard to miss when you've got a bound victim on his knees in front of you. But I guess Joseph was a failure in everything he attempted in life. Until he found a new mommy in Tracy, that is.



You see, when Joseph was a young boy, his mother went to prison for killing his brother's father. All his life, all he wanted was a mother. Now he's 32 years old, serving life in prison, and a nice woman fifteen years his senior has expressed an interest in him. They'll never have sex (no conjugal, or "family," visits allowed), and they can only communicate via letters and the occasional phone call. She's emotionally supporting him, and that's about all she can do. Sounds like a mother to me.

Oprah's crew was there for the day of the wedding, though they weren't allowed inside to witness the actual ceremony. They did get to see Tracy dressing up in her ridiculous hippie skirt, then putting a sweater on over her tight purple leotard shirt, since the prison has rules about tight clothing. Wouldn't want any of those guys in there getting the wrong idea about Tracy, now would we?

When the ceremony was over, Tracy came out of the prison (with her son, who had attended the blessed event) with pictures to show the cameras. In the wedding kiss picture, Tracy looked like she was eating Joseph's face. It was gross. I know you're getting married in a maximum security prison, and you've obviously got some pretty deep psychological problems, and your husband's ensemble is a baby blue prison jumpsuit, but could you show a little class? Please?

Tracy told Oprah that she had begun this relationship with Joseph with the intention to treat it like any other relationship. Oprah spoke for the entire universe when she said, "That sounds like the weirdest ass thing to me." Yes. Yes it does.

Oprah made me laugh again when Joseph was on the phone (surprisingly, the prison wouldn't let him out to promote his marriage on Oprah) and Oprah directed a question about him to Tracy. Then Oprah half apologized and said, "Joseph, we're talking about you like you're not here 'cause you're not."

Joseph's crimes were thirteen years ago, and I'm sure he's changed some in the intervening years, but the guy still doesn't sound nearly as remorseful as he should be. All he could say is that he's "...taken responsibility for everything [he's] done in [his] life," but that he's not going to "live in guilt." Something about him just rubbed me the wrong way, but I guess he doesn't really have anything to lose at this point. If he doesn't want to express remorse, it's not like that's going to affect his chances at parole.

I don't know. I'm sure these two crazy kids will live happily ever after. Good luck sharing your husband with a couple hundred horny inmates, Tracy. Hope you're a fan of an open marriage.

At first I was certain that Oprah couldn't have picked a way to have a more dichotomous show, since the second half of this episode was devoted to a group of nuns in Ann Arbor, Michigan. But once they started getting around to the "wedding ceremony" that these women go through, I realized that the theme of this episode was simply "crazy brides." Whether you're marrying a convicted murderer, or letting a priest wed you to the spirit of Jesus Christ, you're a lunatic. And I think Oprah understood that, which is why these two segments aired in the same show.

I can say I've never really given a whole lot of thought to nuns over the years. When I was in elementary school, I attended a bible day camp hosted by the Sacred Heart nuns, who were out of Big Bear, California. They had a hand puppet named "Pookie," who was a bear. And if you get me drunk, I'll sing you Pookie's theme song.

The point is, though I was raised Catholic and I know that technically nuns marry Jesus, it's not something I contemplate often. So my opinion of it has generally been, "Wow, that's some dedication." Now, after seeing this particular sect in Michigan, my thought is, "Wow, these women are probably legitimately insane."

The average age of this group of just over 100 nuns is 28 years old. Oprah's crew was allowed in when the nuns were accepting a new group of "aspirants," the youngest of whom was sixteen years old. Uh, no ma'am. I don't think anyone should be allowed to make any life decision when she is sixteen years old. You shouldn't get married, you shouldn't have a kid, and you certainly shouldn't decide to devote the rest of your life to the church. These are not decisions for children.

So, the camera crew was there to see these young, young girls say goodbye to their families. I wasn't entirely clear on this, but it really seemed like these girls are basically never going to see their families again. They're taking a vow of poverty and chastity (of course), and there are no computers, cell phones, or televisions at the convent. And they can only communicate with their families via the ancient art of handwritten letters.

At this point in my notes, I wrote, "This is fucking stupid." In case you're wondering how I'm feeling about all this. Actually, I think just before I wrote that note, a father of the one of the girls had this to say about his daughter's choice: "If I give her away to a husband, I expect to see her again."

If you don't see what's wrong with that statement, then you and I are very different people.

Oprah's crew got to be there for the "wedding day," too, and this is where I wrote in my notes, "This grosses me out so hardcore." The cameras captured the women taking their vows, in a ceremony presided over by priests. I asked Katie if priests were expected to marry Mary when they joined up, and Katie said, "No, because then they'd be cheating on her when they fuck little boys."

The Catholic church has scarred us, people. Can you tell?

There was a reception after the ceremony, where the families actually got to see their daughters while they ate cake at folding tables. It was a classy affair. And in case you aren't clear on the level of sophistication here, back in the studio audience, the father who talked about giving his daughter away to a husband was wearing a tie that featured two sets of praying hands holding a rosary. Get him together with Tracy and her crazy hippie skirt, and you've got a real party.

My problem is that they never mentioned exactly what it is these women do. I mean, Mother Teresa had a job, you know? She helped people. There's nothing about what these women do, other than that they are servile to the lord, don't get on Facebook, and wear ugly shoes. That's not enough for me to really have any respect for this insane decision they've made, and to me they're just as crazy as Tracy. Tracy might even be the most sane person featured in this episode, actually. I mean, at least the man she married can talk to her and write her real letters. As Oprah felt the need to point out during the tape of the nuns' wedding ceremony, "[The nuns'] groom is present only in spirit." Duh.

The nuns who came to actually be on the show talked about how they were trying to raise money so they can erect new buildings for the influx of women who are ready to come in and throw away their lives for this noble cause. The way they were talking, I thought they expected Oprah to toss a little dough their way. Hell, I kind of expected it, too. But Oprah essentially just said, "Well, good luck." And that was that. And I laughed.


Next: Garth Brooks