Teen Heartthrob Surprises

Oprah started off this week by at least giving me shows I could relate to, what with the gay people involved. And then yesterday's was about camping, which I've never done and never will do, but at least it was funny.

But I knew today's show was going to be completely foreign to me when Oprah opened it up by saying, "Everybody had some dreamy heartthrob's poster on their wall, right?" Um, no. Not everybody. I remember that I liked New Kids on the Block when I was eleven or twelve years old, but that was entirely because my best friend Natalie liked them, and I thought I was supposed to as well. I claimed that Jordan was my favorite, but I really didn't care. I didn't have his poster on my wall, and I didn't go to sleep holding a Tiger Beat or kissing it goodnight or whatever.

I can't relate at all to the screaming adolescent girls who go crazy for these boys. Who, I might add, pretty much look like girls themselves at the height of their popularity. I don't know what it says about young girls, but there is a tendency for them to gravitate to the male singers who are slightly more effeminate. Sometimes the boys are pre-pubescent themselves, and sometimes they just look that way. But either way, the soft, sometimes feathered hair and the even softer features seem to be have always been big selling points in creating a phenomenon that would make those little girls lose their minds. It was true back when guys like Shaun Cassidy and Donny Osmond were big, and it's true now. Do you see anything virile about the Jonas Brothers or Justin Bieber?

So, I spent a lot of this episode shaking my head in disbelief. I had crushes on girls when I was younger (though I often didn't know that's what they were), but it was never to the point of screaming or crying about it. It's just hard to wrap my head around this concept. That's all I'm saying.

But Oprah loved her some Jackie Jackson when she was about thirteen years old. Because this is her final season, Oprah has (sort of) lifted the ban she placed on surprises, so her producers are allowed to try to get her every once in a while. So the night before this episode was taped (I don't know if they tape the same day or what), Oprah was having a normal meeting with her producers about the next day's show. Well, she said it was normal, but I guess I don't know if she regularly has a camera crew in her office to tape a meeting. It would seem like she must have thought something was up, and we don't get any reason why we're to believe the crew would naturally be there.

Regardless, Oprah's producers appeared to pull off a surprise when Jackie Jackson walked into Oprah's office, because she lost her mind. I guess she knew he would be on the show the next day, but didn't expect to see him that night. He was normal looking enough, but his voice is just as soft (and sort of creepy) as Michael's was, so that was odd. But Oprah must not mind that, because she couldn't keep her shit together while she was trying to get herself ready to go have dinner with Jackie. She was flustered and giddy, as well as happy that Stedman was in Bermuda at the time."

Oprah went to her makeup room to put on her face, and just sort of stood there, saying, "I need some makeup...I can't think of what makeup is."

When Jackie and Oprah walked out of the hallway in the office, and into some sort of main stairway/foyer kind of thing, it looked as though all of the show's employees were there to greet and applaud them. Jackie took Oprah to dinner, where Oprah interviewed him and stared deep into his eyes for two hours. She called meeting him a "full circle moment," and then went on to explain that pretty self-explanatory term. I will not do the same.

Oprah had Jackie come to the show the next day just so she could thank him and let him plug his new album, and that was it.

Next up was Shaun Cassidy, who was apparently pretty major in the '70s. Oprah said, "Chances are, if you were a girl in the '70s, you had a t-shirt with Shaun Cassidy's cutie-pie face on it." And you probably also had his haircut.

Cassidy was on the cover of every Tiger Beat consecutively for almost two years. That's insane. And he wasn't all that cute back then. He came out on stage, and acted like a normal guy who was just grateful to have had that experience in his life. He was sort of funny and charming, actually, and I kind of liked him.

It was at this point that I realized that even though I didn't really understand the concept, the episode wasn't completely boring. I might have even enjoyed it a little. Katie apparently felt the same way.

Katie: I keep saying I'm going to get up and cook, but I'm actually entertained. What the cock?

A woman in the audience, Gina (not sure of that spelling) Davis, was fourteen years old in 1978 when she paid $8.50 for a ticket to a Shaun Cassidy concert. Oprah made a big deal about the fact that Davis is black, and going to a Shaun Cassidy concert must not have gone over big in her neighborhood. That reaction really bothered me. First of all, there's the assumption that the people in Davis's neighborhood must have all been black. Second of all, there's the implication that all those black people in her neighborhood would have been racist enough to get all over Davis for going to a white boy's concert. Don't feed into that sort of mentality, Oprah. Please.

Cassidy performed a montage of his hit songs. No idea what the first one was, but he changed the name in the song to "Gina" at one point, which was cute. In "Da Doo Ron Ron," he changed "Jill" to "Oprah," which Oprah loved.

And then came the Backstreet Boys. Finally we were at a sensation I was at least alive for, even though I fully hated these dudes back when they were popular. Hated. I could not tell you the difference between their songs and the songs 'N Sync (or however you spell that) sung. I hated them both.

A girl named Noelle feels differently about the Backstreet Boys. I'm not sure exactly how old Noelle is, but I can tell you that she's too old to be obsessed with a boy band. She has pictures of the boys in her room, including some of Nick Carter on her ceiling. She and her best friend Meghan thought they were traveling to Chicago to compete in some contest that would determine the biggest BB fan, but in reality the boys were there to meet (and serenade) her at the airport. She went predictably crazy over them.

Back in the studio, the boys talked to Oprah. The creepiest looking one, Kevin, apparently retired from the group, but came back to Oprah because, as he puts it, "[she] called." Who knew there was even still a group from which to retire? These dudes are old.

While the boys sat on the stage, I looked at them and asked, "How many of you are gay?" Katie hit me on the knee and said, "That's what I was just wondering!"

One of the guys (I have no idea what his name is) is wearing nail polish. I am not pointing this out because I think that makes him gay, but because I had a lot of people coming to this blog from Google searches of "Jenny McCarthy nail polish" and "Serena Williams nail polish" and "Teri Hatcher nail polish." People must care about these sorts of details, so I'm here to tell you that this Backstreet Boy was wearing nail polish that was some shade of red. You're welcome.

Oh, and the boys (minus Kevin) have a new album. Weird.

The last heartthrob was Peter Frampton. In the taped piece about his history, Oprah says, "Women wanted to be with him. Men wanted to be him." I really don't like that saying. Too much focus on gender roles there. Also, you should really Google what Peter Frampton looked like when "Frampton Comes Alive" came out. Sort of freaky. He's a perfectly respectable looking man now, but I don't get the "heartthrob" label being attached to him back then.

One person who doesn't agree with me is Oprah's executive producer, Sheri. It's hard to surprise Sheri, because she knows everything that's happening on the show, but at the staff meeting at the beginning of the week, the production team pulled off a surprise. A producer asked the sound guy to play a sample of a Frampton song so that the crew could vote on which song he should perform. "Baby I Love Your Way" began to play, and Sheri was into it, but didn't realize that Frampton was walking up behind her at that moment, playing the song live. When the crew cheered, Sheri thought they were just clapping for the song, but then she turned around and went crazy when she saw Frampton. She sat down, but when he kept singing and put her name into the song, she fell over. Then she cried. I'd say the surprise worked.

Frampton ended the show by playing "I Love Your Way," and we got a few shots of Sheri enjoying the show from the control room.

So, the teen heartthrob episode wasn't so terrible. I doubt I'll be able to say the same thing about tomorrow's "Tyler Perry and 200 Other Men Who Were Molested As Children" episode.