11/19/10 -- Oprah's Ultimate Favorite Things

Want to know what's not one of my ultimate favorite things? A peritonsillar abscess. But I'm on the mend, folks. And I'm glad I wasn't on anything stronger than Advil when I watched this episode, because it is weird enough watching 200 people lose their shit over getting some candles from Oprah.

You know the deal, right? Oprah does this every year. Has for a while now. She can have whatever she wants, and she probably gets a lot of it for free even though she can certainly afford it, so she passes it on to her audience once a year. There's probably a debate in here about rampant consumerism and greed and the proper way to use all that damn money, but screw it. Let's get to the stuff!

The show started off weirdly, with Oprah standing in front of the audience, two chairs behind her and the rest of the stage covered by a sort of screen. Oprah somewhat vaguely told us that the audience was full of people who "give back" all year round. Not a lot of details there. Later she mentioned something about a woman going to Africa to do some stuff, and some other woman saving homeless dogs, but there are no real stories. I have no idea how this audience was chosen. Did people write in about themselves? Did friends write in for them? Or are they really just a random bunch, but Oprah wants us to believe they're deserving of all this stuff? Who knows? Who cares? Stuff!

Oprah was wearing a weird outfit, which I said made her look like a bumblebee. Turns out it was just for show, because after some babble about the importance of meditation, Oprah told her audience to "meditate on this," and as they heard the sound of jingle bells, Oprah tore off her bumblebee outfit to reveal the more Christmas appropriate one underneath. That was kind of hilarious. Oprah was wearing tearaway clothes, for god's sake.

If you did not see this episode, you missed some awesomeness, all courtesy of the audience. I don't know how to describe to you how absolutely insane people went. A friend wrote to me and said, "Was there something 'special' about the people in Oprah's audience?" I thought that since she put "special" in quotes, she was using the euphemism for "mentally handicapped." So I wrote back and told her that I think when Oprah gives you a load of awesome stuff, you're bound to look "special" while reacting. Turns out my friend was just wondering what was so great about these people who supposedly "give back" in their everyday lives. Oops.

I know you're here just so you can see what people got for showing up to the taping that day, so here you go:

• Diamond watch -- $2475
• Tory Birch bag and shoes -- $250 and $195, respectively.
• Nikon D3100 Digital SLR camera -- $699.95
• Ralph Lauren cashmere sweater -- $498
• Ralph Lauren cashmere throw -- ??
• Earrings -- $525
• Andre Walker (Oprah's hair guy) hair stuff -- $65
• Candles (all 18 scents) -- $55 each.
• Breville panini press -- $99.95
• Kyocera Ceramic Cutlery Set -- $74.95
• Beecher's Mac and Cheese -- ??
• Baker's Edge Lasagna and Brownie pans -- $34.95 each.
• Ghirardelli's brownie mix -- ??
• Book called "A Course in Weight Loss" -- ??
• Jay-Z's book, "Decoded" -- ??
• Five-year Netflix membership -- ??
• Sony Bravia 3-D television -- $3600
• Sony Blu-ray player -- ?? (mine was about $200)
• $100 Groupon gift card for a charity website called Kiva
• Container Store custom Elfa closet -- $1000
• Oprah Farewell Season t-shirt -- $38
• Lululemon workout pants -- $98
• Nike Free Run + shoes, four pair -- $85 each.
• Seven-day, all expense paid cruise, plus airfare -- ??

As you can see, for most of the gifts, Oprah gave us a retail cost. But for some, no price at all. Like the five-year Netflix membership. I get one movie at a time with Netflix, and I have the Blu-ray option, which means I pay $10.99/month. So for me, a five-year membership would be $659.40. Not too shabby, huh? Not including the cruise and the other prizes that had no assigned value, that totals almost $11,000 worth of goodies. And I don't know if the cruise was for one person or two or four, but I guarantee it's not worth less than $5000. Not a bad day to be in the audience.

But did Oprah save the best gift for last? She certainly wanted her audience to think something more amazing was coming. But really, it was just a performance by the Black Eyed Peas, who have been an SNL parody of themselves since they first showed up on the scene. Who takes this group seriously? They're ridiculous, and not at all musically talented. Fergie does some weird thing to her voice in every damn song, will.i.am is just annoying, and does anyone even know who those other two are? 

Here's how you know you're not supposed to like this group: They came on Oprah to sing their remake version of "(I've Had) the Time of My Life." I'm not joking. This group took the theme song from freakin' Dirty Dancing and added some backbeat and a rap, and came on Oprah to perform it. And they were serious about it.

Oh, but it got worse. Because that first song ended, and then faded into -- wait for it -- "Little Drummer Boy." With a dance beat. And some backup dancers with cymbals. If you've ever seen anything more ridiculous in your life, I need you to please tell me. Because right now, this shit tops the list.

Except that part two of this episode airs Monday, which means it can only get more over the top from here. I'll get to watch that episode, and hopefully write about it before I leave town. But I'll be on the road Tuesday, and out of town through Sunday, so it remains to be seen what I will do about the other four episodes airing next week. I don't know if I'll be able to convince my grandma or cousins to sit down and watch Oprah with me every day, but I guess a girl's gotta try, right?

Monday: Part two of these here shenanigans.

If you're super interested, someone put together a YouTube video of all the audience reactions from this show. Five minutes of screaming, hugging strangers, crying, and just generally losing one's mind. You've been warned.