10/29/10 -- Oprah & Gayle's Big Yosemite Camping Adventure

Big title. And this is just part one of two. The second airs Wednesday. And I, for one, can't wait.

The thing about writing this blog as a non-fan of Oprah is that it can often be a daunting task. Mostly, until these last few episodes, I struggle because I can never figure out what I'm going to write about when the episode features former hostages or rape victims or Jenny McCarthy. But Oprah surprised me this last week with two episodes in a row that I thoroughly enjoyed. And I've had to worry about how to be cynical and funny about Oprah when I actually find it entertaining.

I hope you watched this episode if you could. Because this was funny. Here's where I think Oprah is at her best: When she's not telling you what awesome, expensive thing she loves, or preaching to you about what life lessons she's learned and expects you to learn in the hour you watch her one afternoon. When she's a real human, things get interesting. And often funny.

I just got back from spending the day at the Columbia Gorge. Inspired by Oprah's attempts to connect with nature, Katie and I decided we should brave the chilly weather and head out to see some of the fall colors and some pretty awesome waterfalls. See how Oprah keeps changing me in little ways? It's sort of annoying.

Oprah had a pretty easy day of shooting for this episode, since she just sat on her set and introduced the taped pieces of her adventure with Gayle. The set was kind of funny, with a forest backdrop, a campfire, and even the trailer she took with her to the park (or one just like it). It looked like the "Showcase Showdown" on The Price is Right, if Barker's Beauties were trying to get you to figure out how much you should bid on an awesome camping package. And if Barker's Beauties ever wore nice jeans and a pretty yellow sweater, like Oprah chose for this day's taping. Her "relaxed" look, if you will.

Coming Soon

I'm still reeling from how weird I feel for liking (loving?) two episodes of Oprah in a row. You can imagine that this has been quite a shock to my system. So I'll have to wait until tomorrow to post about Friday's show.

Here's a preview: I laughed. A lot.

The Sound of Music

I wouldn't call it a strict tradition, but some time in the Christmas season most years, my family sits down and watches The Sound of Music. My brother hates the movie, but my mother, sister and I love it. I'll have to ask my dad his opinion, but I'm willing to bet he enjoys it, too. The thing is, it feels sort of weird to be watching the movie when we're not quite in the holiday season (despite the decorations you may have seen cropping up at your local retail establishments), even if the movie is by no means Christmas themed.

I love this movie. Love, love, love it. So this reunion was fun for me, and it meant that at the end of an Oprah episode, I was actually sort of sad there wasn't more. That was a first, though I might experience it again tomorrow when they air Oprah and Gayle's Yosemite Adventure. Two fun, good Oprah episodes in a row? Why, a girl could get used to this.

What's that you say? Monday features Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres? Well, suddenly I have come crashing back to earth, and we haven't even gotten through the two good ones yet. Thanks a lot, Opes.

Oprah, I think most of your viewers are pretty confident about what show they're watching when they tune in to you, so maybe we could ease off with your name on some of these graphics, huh? Is there a reason that the "O" in "Oprah" has to be as big as the title of the movie? Can't we just know that we're watching Oprah and get a graphic that says "The Sound of Music Reunion" or something?

Jane Fonda

Jane Fonda was just another in a long list of Oprah guests this season who come on the show and talk about how much they've learned in life. Linda Evans, Ali MacGraw, Jenny McCarthy, Terry McMillan; all of these women have impressed Oprah with their ability to look at the big picture and realize what's important.

Of course, seeing that big picture is a lot easier when you have a big pile of money to prop you up, so that you can get the best view. So it's easy for Oprah to say, when she had an "aha moment" because of something Fonda said, "What if our entire culture rested on, 'how do I become more whole?' Wouldn't this be a different world?"

It'd be great. But in the world right now, "becoming whole" doesn't help me pay the rent. So that's where I'm going to put my focus.

I barely took any notes for this episode. There was more talk about sexual abuse. Fonda said she'd never had intimacy in any of her relationships, but now she does with her new "lover," Richard. Barf. Fonda mentioned that she got her dog (some small, ugly thing) because she saw Streisand singing to her dog on Oprah a few years back, and she liked the dog. Whatever season that was, let me just say how grateful I am that I was not "watching Oprah" back then.

Oprah plugged the big Yosemite episode, which airs Friday, saying that she went on that road trip because, "not enough black people go camping." Fonda gave Oprah a high five on that one. Is that allowed?

Fonda gave Oprah a lot of praise during the episode, and at one point said, "I follow you closely." Well, that makes two of us, Jane.

Fonda likes to fly fish, and she dances every day with her "lover." Fonda and I would have nothing in common at all.

I couldn't really get into this episode, because I just don't care about Jane Fonda. But at the end, Oprah had Fonda look at pictures of her co-stars, and say the first thing that came to mind. When Dolly Parton's picture showed up, I realized that I had completely forgotten about 9 to 5. I worship that movie, and because of it, Jane Fonda can do no wrong in my book.

And that's all I have to say about that.


Tomorrow: The Sound of Music reunion! That's a legitimate exclamation point there, not a sarcastic one. I am seriously excited about this.

America's Worst Cooks

Jessica Seinfeld has a lot of money, thanks to her marriage to Jerry Seinfeld, but she'd like to make more of it by trying to make you a better cook. I don't think I'd ever seen Jessica before, and all I can say about her now is that she looks like she's about twelve years old. And that she really should have had someone from Oprah's team look at her hair. She had one of those half ponytail deals happening, but she missed a bunch of hair on one side of her head, so the whole thing just looked uneven and weird. Plus, a navy striped shirt paired with a sweater with black sequins? Come on.

Now that I've judged the metaphorical book by its cover, let's dive into what's in Jessica's actual book, "Double Delicious." It tastes good, and it's easy to make. I guess that must be what the "double" is referencing. Apparently people sent in some videos of themselves, talking about why they might be the "worst cook in America." At that point, I thought they might make a competition out of it, which might have been fun. But that was not in the cards. Instead, some of the "worst cooks" were on the show, and we got Jessica teaching them (and everyone else) how to make fast, tasty meals for their families.

Yes, it was about as boring as I just made it sound. One of the worst cooks, Darlene, made me laugh when she revealed (in her home video) that she keeps scrunchies in her Crock Pot. She brought those props with her to the show, but pronounced it "scrungees." Oprah repeated the pronunciation as though it were perfectly normal. So either I'm crazy, or Oprah was just trying to be nice.

10/25/10 -- The Cobles

I know I broke rule #5, but I swear I had a valid excuse. It was a rough night, to say the least, so writing this post wasn't exactly high on my list of priorities.

I don't know what to say anyway. Most of the episode focused on Chris and Lori Coble, who lost all three of their children when a big rig slammed into the back of the family minivan. The children were Kyle, 5, Emma, 4, and Katie, 2. Tragic story, to say the least.

Oprah had them on the show because she wanted people to know that no matter what you're going through, you can always find a way to get through it. It's a good message to hear, and I guess if the Cobles can survive what happened to them, the rest of us can survive what we're going through, too.

Three months after the accident, the Cobles decided to have more children. Seems a little soon to me, but who am I to judge? Apparently they got pregnant right away, because nine months later, almost a year to the day after the horrific accident, Lori Coble gave birth to triplets. Two girls and a boy.

Oprah called it a miracle. I think the miracle is lessened because the Cobles had to use in vitro, and were therefore more likely to have a multiple birth, but it's still pretty cool that it ended up being triplets, and that they ended up having two girls and a boy again.

The last third of the episode was devoted to Colin Goddard, who is a survivor of the Virginia Tech massacre on April 16, 2007. Goddard was shot four times, and now he's become a sort of gun control advocate. He's part of a documentary called Living for 32 (named for the 32 people who died at VT, as well as a reference to the 32 people who die, on average, every hour due to gun violence in the U.S.), in which he traveled to different gun shows to illustrate how easy it is for someone to buy a gun. In some cases, the seller did not even require Goddard to show a driver's license to purchase an AK-47. I have some opinions on guns, which coincidentally I wrote about right after the Virginia Tech incident.


Today: America's Worst Cooks. Quite a change of pace from Monday's episode. I'll take it.
 

10/22/10 -- Lady Killers

Quite the theme for this episode. It began with the story of Diane Downs. In 1983, she claimed that after a botched carjacking, a stranger shot her three children as they slept in her car. One of her daughters died, while the other had a stroke, and her son ended up paralyzed. Police and prosecutors said the story never added up, and Downs herself was found guilty of the crimes. Her two surviving children were adopted by, of all people, the prosecutor in the case. They are now in their 30s, and wish to live private lives. So not everyone bends to the will of Oprah, I guess.

Oh, but wait. Downs somehow got pregnant after being arrested, and gave birth to a daughter ten days after the conviction. That girl, Becky, is now 26, and she had no problem coming on Oprah to talk about her crazy, crazy biological mother. Learning about the identity of her mother apparently sent Becky into a downward spiral of drinking and drugs, even though her adoptive parents were awesome and supportive. I don't know, either. It doesn't really make sense.

Anyway, Becky began writing Downs after Becky had to give up her own son for adoption. After a few letters, it became clear to Becky that Downs was, in fact, crazy. Downs told Becky that people had been following her (Becky) all her life, trying to kill her, and that Downs herself was in prison because her government official husband was keeping her there. She began signing the letters, "Mom and Dad," despite her refusal to divulge who Becky's father is.

Becky's adoptive parents were upset about this communication at first, but then understood. "They say it's my story, and if it's gonna help somebody, tell it," Becky said.

Perhaps I'm just dense, but exactly how does Becky's story help anyone? Is the lesson here to make sure you don't get put up for adoption by a crazy woman who attempted to murder all your half-siblings before you were born? I can't wait until the letters start pouring in to Oprah, all about how Becky's story was an inspiration and a saving grace.

The Trouble With Having Two Blogs

I wrote a post about tonight's Yankees/Rangers game, and I accidentally posted it on this blog first. I only mention it here because, even though I deleted the post from this site, it's still showing up in sidebars as existing. Stupid blogger. So I'm posting here so that I can refresh people's sidebars with a post that is actually here.

And I kind of wanted to promote the post over on my other blog, anyway, since I'm sort of sickly proud of it. So why not head over there and read it?

Be sure to tune in tomorrow morning for my take on today's episode of Oprah.

Lisa Marie Presley

The thing about Lisa Marie Presley is that, no matter what, she always looks high. Her eyes are so strange. Also, she's got quite the monotonous voice. There's a chance she's a robot. And you all should know how I feel about robots.

I'm wondering if Oprah did this Lisa Marie interview around the same time she did the one with J.K. Rowling, since Lisa Marie lives in England, and that's where the interview took place. But, it is Oprah, so I guess there's a pretty good chance she just gets on her private jet and has it fly her wherever she wants to go, whenever she wants it.

Or maybe Oprah has wings, and she doesn't even need the jet. Don't discount this theory--can you prove that Oprah doesn't have wings? I didn't think so.

Back to Lisa Marie, who has the weird distinction of being close to two different pop star dudes who ended up killing themselves with an abundance of drugs. Anyone ever thought to blame Lisa Marie for her father's death, or for Michael Jackson's?

Too soon? Okay.

Oprah mentioned twice during this episode that she and Lisa Marie went hiking this summer. I find that to be the strangest thing. Did this hike take place in California? Chicago? England? How are these two friends? What do they talk about on a hike? Celebrity life is weird.

Even weirder is that Lisa Marie mentioned that John Travolta was one of the first to text her after Jackson died. What the hell is going on? Does Travolta have some connection to Michael Jackson that I don't know about? Or does Scientology and/or penance for being secretly gay mean that he has to automatically comfort a celebrity when anyone close to that celebrity dies?

During the entire interview with Oprah, there was a random Apple laptop sitting on a desk. Open. They never referred to it or used it any way. Was this product placement? Or was John Travolta watching via iChat?

Tyler Perry (un-vetoed)

Even if I had never made up the veto rule at all, my post on Tyler Perry probably would have been short, because I would not have wanted to write everything I actually think about the dude. But since some people (ahem, Sarah) apparently think it's cheating for me to exercise the veto rule, I'll give you pretty much exactly what you would have gotten without it.

Bear in mind, however, that I still reserve the right to veto. The challenge is watching the show, and I will still watch the show, even if I can't bring myself to write about it. I'll decide later if I still have two vetoes left, or just one, after this whole debacle.

Tyler Perry shot to fame because he dressed up as a fat black woman and parodied that character. It's not funny. I have never seen anything even mildly humorous in a Madea movie. I doubt I ever will. The dialogue is incredibly cheesy and ridiculous, and the plots are absurd. And not absurd in a good way.

Tyler Perry started to really take over the world when he made some other movies that were more serious, or at least were intended to be serious. But I laughed out loud quite a lot during the trailer for Why Did I Get Married? and it was never in the supposed comedic moments of the film. The thing was corny and trite and pandering.

Now, I realize that Tyler Perry's programming is meant for a certain audience, and that I definitely do not fit into that audience. It's truly unfortunate that, for whatever reason, black people can't be featured on shows and in movies to the same degree that white people are. But if I were black, I would be truly offended by the stuff Tyler Perry makes.

And here's why I feel I can speak a little bit to this issue: I am a lesbian. There are so, so many terrible, terrible lesbian movies out there. Go watch a movie called Go Fish. Or, for a more recent example, go try to sit through The Kids Are Alright, a movie which basically tells us that all women really just need a little cock in their lives to make things better or to get the attention of their partners.

10/20/10 -- Tyler Perry

A funny thing happened on the way to writing this post. Fourteen minutes and thirteen seconds into the episode, I paused it, looked at Katie, and said, "I can't do it. I hate this guy. I don't want to have to write about him and look like an asshole."

Seriously, though, have you ever tried to sit through an episode of Tyler Perry's House of Payne or Meet the Browns? Have you actually laughed at any of the Madea movies? I haven't. I've seen clips, and I've cringed. Tyler Perry is so, so rich because he makes terrible movies, and people go see his movies because the black community is underrepresented on film and television. But do you really wanted to be represented in that way? Ugh. It makes me crazy.

Okay, but there I go writing about it, which is exactly what I'm not planning on doing. When I said I couldn't handle the idea of an entire post about Tyler Perry's molestation, Katie had a brilliant plan. She told me to write about the rules I have established for myself for this blog, and then to add the new rule we just came up with: veto power.

The rules are, obviously, self-imposed. No one, with the exception of maybe Katie, is making sure I obey them. They are as follows:

1. I must watch the episode on the evening it airs.
2. Except on Fridays. I do not require myself to watch the episode on Friday night, so I try to watch it and get the post up at some point on Saturday.
3. I must take notes in the Ope-book (except on the occasions, like with J.K. Rowling, when I decide to "live blog" the episode).
4. I am not allowed to fast forward through anything but the commercials and really painful musical performances.
5. I must write the post before 11:59 p.m. on the day the show airs. Again, except on Fridays.
6. I am allowed two vetoes over the course of this farewell season. This means that I can decide to just not write about two episodes. I still have to watch the episodes, though I don't have to take notes. And I still have to write about something that day.

The Next Big Thing

This episode was slow and painful, but not nearly as bad as I expect tomorrow's episode to be. Tyler Perry. Dear god. Have you ever had to pull out a dry tampon? Think back to that moment, and then you'll have some idea of what Wednesday's episode will be like for me.

But for now, Tuesday's episode. Oprah spent the episode exploring what happened to "the next big thing." There were several of those "next big things" on the show, and then different taped packages about people who had been on Oprah, and then had their careers explode. Oprah didn't necessarily say there was a connection, but I'm sure she likes to take credit for the careers of people like Jerry Seinfeld, Mariah Carey, Jennifer Hudson, and Chris Rock.

First up on the show was Susan Boyle. After a short introduction, she launched right into a musical performance, randomly singing a cover of "Don't Dream It's Over," by Crowded House. It was not bad, but not super inspiring either. She was backed by a pretty large choir, all dressed in white robes. At first, both Katie and I thought we were going to get a black gospel choir, which would have been cool. But as the camera panned the choir, we realized that wasn't the case at all. "Nevermind. It's the KKK. There are no black people in there," Katie noticed.

Susan Boyle was really packed into her dress for this appearance, which means that a pair of Spanx has never had a more important job. Look, we all know that Boyle is not the most attractive woman in the world. And I'll admit that I took a picture of my screen after I paused it on the first solo shot of her, intending to point out how hideous it was. But after listening to her talk about being bullied as a child, both psychologically and physically,  there is no way I could be a part of that same pattern. Why make fun of someone for something she can't help? She's got an amazing gift, and she seems to be taking the fame in stride. She is the kind of person you want to root for in this world, and even if her Scottish accent is nearly indecipherable at times, I'm just going to stick with the first thing I ever wrote about her, and leave all the negative stuff out of it.

16-Year-Old Kills His Molester

The title really says it all. Back in January, a kid named Daniel "snapped" and stabbed his molester 55 times. Daniel got out of jail (where he's waiting until some sort of other outpatient-ish facility opens up, since he's only serving five years probation for involuntary manslaughter and aggravated assault) in order to do this interview with Oprah.

The molester was a "bachelor" who wormed his way into the family's life, and spent a year working on getting Daniel to trust him. Then he spent two years molesting the poor kid, paying him off with money and access to cool cars. It's, unfortunately, a classic story. And even though Daniel's parents were wary, and went with Daniel to the molester's house every time he was invited over for the first year, the molester still managed to get what he wanted. Scary.

One thing really bothered me in this episode, though I'm sure most people missed it. At some point, Daniel's father, Terry, said that his son's shame is awful "from a male's point of view." I'm not even sure I can totally explain why this rubbed me the wrong away, except it seemed to imply that a boy being raped by a man is somehow a greater shame than, say, if Daniel's female teacher had forced him to have sex. Or if Terry had a daughter who was raped by a dude. Either way, it's rape, Terry. The "shame" is not greater just because your non-gay son was raped by a man.

The second half of the episode was devoted to a woman named Ellie Nesler, who shot her son's accused molester in open court. Essentially, this woman destroyed her family's life with this action, since she was (obviously) arrested and sent to prison. Her children were separated, and though she got out of prison in 1999, she went back in three years later for selling meth. Her son, Willie, went off down a bad path that eventually led to him being sentenced to 28 years to life for "stomping a man to death." Ellie died of breast cancer in 2006, so now her daughter is motherless and brotherless. So, good mom.

Recap over. It's nearly midnight, and I've promised myself that I will get all these posts up by midnight every night, except for Fridays. Not much to say about child molestation. Tomorrow, though, it's Susan Boyle and some little girl who sings like an angel or some shit. And Wednesday, Tyler Perry.

I. HATE. Tyler. Perry.

So, between Susan Boyle, a child phenom, and a man who singlehandedly makes the worst movies in the world, I'm just gearing up for an awesome week of Oprah.

10/15/10 -- American Heroes

I think I was under the impression that Friday shows were supposed to be on the lighter side. That did not prove to be the case this week, as this was all about women and the military -- specifically former military service members who are homeless after leaving the military, and current service members who are in danger of losing their children as a result of deployment.

In other words, a real bummer of an episode. And though I took roughly the same amount of notes I take for a normal episode, the longer I look at them, the less certain I am that I can do anything other than write a recap, which I don't want to do.

The military aspect aside, it is difficult for me to really get into the issue of homelessness, because I feel like I am constantly on the verge of being in that position in my own life. I've never experienced anything like this, but it is, I guess, one of the perils of deciding to start your life over, even though you have no money and no job prospects. Maybe you haven't heard, but this economy sucks. Big-time. I went from spending six years only working if I felt like I wanted to, and not because it was necessary, to being desperate to find any source of income at all so that I can support my family. So, watching women going through the same thing, and then having to write about it, is a little too much for me.

Ah, see, now we've gotten too personal for the intent of this blog.

So, a quick recap: Alicia and Mickiela are both homeless after years of service in the military. There aren't a lot of resources for the roughly 6,500 female veterans who live on the streets. Alicia in particular finds it hard to ask for help, largely due to her pride, but also because, as she says, "it's hard to say you're drowning when your mouth is full of water."

Major Tammy Duckworth lost her legs when an RPG hit her Blackhawk helicopter. Now she's the assistant secretary of veteran affairs, and she seems committed to fixing the problems these women (and many others, including men, of course) are facing. She said that Obama wants to end homelessness among veterans within five years.

Sister Wives

Before I even started this episode, I wrote down a note that said, "Polygamists screw things up for the gays." And after watching the episode, I worried about how I would be able to write anything negative about polygamy, knowing full well that plenty of people connect the two "lifestyles," since both are considered non-traditional. You know the drill. A politician rants about how legalizing gay marriage will lead to legalizing polygamy, then legalizing sex with children, then allowing people to marry goats, and so on.

I'm always against the "slippery slope" defense, which seems to say that once we make one law, we won't be able to stop ourselves from making the next one down the line. Because remember how making it a law to wear your seatbelt in the car led to the law that required every human being to wear a helmet at all times of the day, even while sleeping?

No? You don't remember that? Probably because it doesn't make any sense. Kind of like the idea of a human legally marrying a goat. And like how criminalizing murder doesn't lead to the criminalization of giving someone a dirty look. Laws are established for a reason, and since our particular constitution is a living document, it allows for the possibility that society changes, so the laws might have to change with it.

Second, I can't say for sure that I'm totally against the idea of legalizing polygamy. If consenting adults of legal age want to call themselves married, I don't understand the problem. The fact of the matter is that the government shouldn't be involved in marriages in any way. It's one thing to say that the government needs to protect the children.  That's fine, and if polygamy is doing a lot of damage to children (which I think it probably is, which is why I can't come out and just say that I am absolutely for its legalization), then the government should probably have a say. But if the kids are all right, what business does the government have in getting involved in any marriage between any consenting adults?

The best part of all of this is that those who are often most against non-traditional marriages are those who claim to be a member of a political party that believes in less government interference in a private citizen's life. By their own logic, if you want to take your gun with you everywhere, and you want your church to be tax-exempt and you want to be able to protest funerals and not hire gay people for jobs, that's all well and good, and the government shouldn't get a say. But if you want to marry someone of the same sex, or have more than one spouse at a time, well, you're going straight to hell. And before you get there, we'll make sure you are never treated as a full citizen under the law.

Are You Normal?

One thing you need to know before you even start this one: I kind of fell in love with Oprah during this episode.

Thursday, I'll be subjected to the "stars" of the new show Sister Wives, and Friday it's "American War Heroes - Why Are These Women Now Homeless?" so this love will be short-lived. But it's there now, and all because Oprah talked about poop.

Okay, not just poop. In reality, she endeared herself to me in the very beginning of the episode, which was all about whether or not the stuff we think is weird or abnormal is really so different from what everyone else is doing. People want to know how they fit in with everyone else, so Oprah gave her studio audience little devices with numbers they could press to vote on the different questions she asked.

The first question was, "How often do you have sex?" 42% responded, "it's been a while," and 37% responded, "at least once a week." One woman raised her hand when Oprah asked if anyone had sex just before they came to the show. I'm guessing she didn't press the button for "it's been a while."

The next question was where Oprah had me officially hooked. It was, "Have you ever faked it?" Lots of giggles from the audience, and Oprah couldn't wait to answer. I laughed out loud when she said, "It should be, 'who hasn't faked it?'" That's when I realized that this Oprah, the one who was around for the majority of this show, is the one with whom I could be friends. Assuming she doesn't sue me for this website.

Please don't get litigious, Opes.

So, when you're wondering about what's normal, and you're looking for expert advice on the matter, to whom do you turn?

Why, the arbiter of normal himself, Dr. Phil. And his absurd teeth. Look at these things:

Veneers whitened to the point of blinding anyone who looks directly at them? Totally normal.

Love Story

I suppose the movie Love Story does something for a lot of people. Or at least it did 40 years ago, when people went crazy for the romance and the ridiculously odd line, "Love means never having to say you're sorry."

I was negative ten years old when this movie came out, not even a glimmer in my thirteen-year-old parents' eyes. Which doesn't mean it's impossible for me to have seen it, but I never have, and I didn't get a chance to watch it before today's episode. So I don't know if my opinions would have been swayed if I had managed to get Netflix fired up to give the movie a go. All I can say is that I found Ali MacGraw to be grounded and well-spoken, and Ryan O'Neal to be a weird, plastic dude.

I suppose it's easy for MacGraw to be grounded, since she hasn't been living in Hollywood for quite some time. So when she spoke to Oprah about women getting plastic surgery to look young, and the "duck lips" that often come with that choice, it was a lot easier to believe that she meant what she said. As opposed to, say, Teri Hatcher.

When MacGraw first came on the screen today, Katie looked at her and said, "I don't want to age." And then Oprah asked MacGraw how old she is, and MacGraw said, "71." I had to pause it because I was so shocked. Katie took back what she said, and I just sat there for several minutes, flabbergasted. I shouldn't have been that surprised, given that the movie for which she and O'Neal were reuniting is 40 years old. But still. She looks good. And if she has had work done, she should give that number to every woman in Hollywood. A few in particular. I'm looking at you, Meg Ryan.

There was a lot about MacGraw's meteoric rise, her marriage to Steve McQueen, and her fall from grace in Hollywood, but I'm not going to bother recapping it. There was a slight dip in my appreciation for her when I found out that she's a spokesperson for PETA, but I'll try to overlook that.

Mark Fuhrman

My god, was anyone else bored to tears by this episode?

Mark Fuhrman. Fifteen years ago he was a detective on the O.J. Simpson case, and he became the villain of the piece (maybe, in the eyes of some, even more so than the man who quite obviously brutally murdered two people) because he lied about having ever used the n-word.

So he's written a few books, and he came to Oprah, thirteen years after he appeared on the show and told everybody he wasn't a racist. Yawn.

Seriously, I don't feel like any major bombshells were dropped today. At one point, while going to commercial, the "coming up" told us that Fuhrman had a "shocking message" for O.J. But then we came back from commercial, and at some point in that segment, with little fanfare, Fuhrman said that he doesn't think O.J. went to the house to murder Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman, so it shouldn't have been first degree murder.

I'll give you a second to catch your breath.

I think the worst part is how bad I felt for Oprah during this interview, because Mark Fuhrman is a terrible interviewee. He cut himself off in the middle of sentences to start anew, and he sometimes mumbled over words. Oprah thought he said he "would" have answered the phone again when they called to give him the case, were he able to go back in time; he had to repeat it twice before Oprah, or anyone else, understood he was saying "wouldn't." Kind of changes things a bit, huh?

He also seemed to be one of those people who sort of thinks he's intelligent enough to speak in metaphor or use big words, but messes those things up just enough that he just sounds like an idiot who's trying too hard. Like when he said, I think about looking back to the past and regretting what he did, "If I open that door, it's a never-ending...door." Eloquent. Or the time he wanted to say two things had a "convergence," but instead sounded like he said, "convergion." Slip of the tongue, you say? Perhaps. And if this intrepid reporter had thought to write down more examples, she'd be able to refute that point. Alas.

I guess I'm just glad that I now officially know that Oprah thinks O.J. is guilty. Because, seriously. Dude killed some people. I really can't believe how badly the prosecution blew that case, and how ridiculously inept the jurors had to be to agree that there was even a hint of reasonable doubt. Morons.

Also? Mr. Fuhrman is against the media, and thinks there's no such thing as investigative journalism anymore. So he pays the bills these days by being a correspondent for -- wait for it -- Fox News Channel. Because, according to Fuhrman, "Fox News is different." Holy crap.

For that reason, I don't feel the least bit guilty that when I've thought about Fuhrman, I've heard his name the way Dana Carvey says it at 0:47 into this stand-up:



Oprah mentioned that she often dreams about getting to interview O.J. and having him confess to her that he committed the murders. Want to know what Oprah looks like when she's cocky enough to believe that O.J. would finally admit what he's denied for a decade and a half? You're in luck!

Tomorrow: Ryan O'Neal and Ali MacGraw from Love Story. The movie is on my Netflix instant queue, so maybe I'll have a chance to actually watch it before the show, in the hopes that I can make a note of what O'Neal looked like before he decided to turn himself into an old lesbian.

30-Year-Old Virgins

Meet Shayla, 30, and Carmen, 31. They are virgins. Shayla doesn't want to be a whore like all the women her father dated after her mother died. Carmen is big and fat and doesn't feel good about herself as a result.

They both wrote Oprah, hoping she could help them get some action, I guess. Oprah brought in Dr. Laura Berman, a sex therapist who, coincidentally enough, will have a show on Oprah's new network, OWN, in January.

Shayla was funny. Carmen was just mostly sad, and lacking self-esteem. In fact, everyone was funny, except for Carmen. I mean, Shayla had her moments of sadness, like when Dr. Berman asked her to write letters to her deceased parents. But overall, she was kind of awesome, especially compared to the sad sack that was Carmen. Sorry, Carmen. I'm probably not doing wonders for your self-esteem, huh?

So, you should know that both Shayla and Carmen went on dates, and worked with Dr. Berman for a month, and probably generally feel better about themselves as a result. Except for Carmen, probably. But in looking over my notes for this episode, I realized that I pretty much only wrote down quotes, which means that's what you're going to get: The story of the show, told in a serious of quotes.

Katie, ten minutes into the episode: "This is boring. I thought it was going to be more razzle-dazzle."

Shayla, on how she doesn't know how to masturbate: "There's no course on that...is there?"

Dr. Berman, on why Shayla should masturbate: "How's anyone else gonna like your vulva if you're not familiar with it?"

Katie, after making me pause the episode when Oprah started to talk about masturbation: "We have to have a moment of silence over Oprah stroking her vulva."

Shayla, on why she hadn't masturbated: "Good girls aren't masturbating. Well, they are now."

Oprah, alluding to the sex toy Dr. Berman had given Shayla: "Shayla met one of Dr. Berman's favorite things."

Katie, halfway through the episode: "I rescind the 'razzle-dazzle' comment."

Shayla, after receiving her "homework" from Dr. Berman: "I'm gonna have to masturbate and tell everybody?"

Shayla, talking about how she got herself ready: "I created a little vulva soundtrack."

Oprah, after Shayla said she took herself on a date: "Did y'all have a good time?"


Poor Carmen didn't get the assignment to masturbate, probably because Dr. Berman knew that even Carmen wouldn't want to have sex with Carmen. Instead, Carmen got the somewhat predictable homework of getting a makeover, and then going to talk to the "plus-sized" columnist at Marie Claire magazine.

Bo-ring!

But, that Shayla sure was a hoot, huh?


Monday: Mark Fuhrman talks O.J.

Down-low

Oprah opened this episode by announcing to the audience that six years ago she had a guest who was married to a woman, but was cheating on his wife with...another man! Oh, I hope you heard the gasps from the audience. And I hope you saw the eyes of the one woman they showed in close-up, hands covering her mouth. And Oprah was all, "I know!" And the audience was all, "Shut up!"

And somehow I'm supposed to think it's such a big deal that this dude was getting it on with other dudes. Who cares? The real issue should be that he was cheating, right? No? Am I the only one who thinks that? The cheating is the thing. The gender of the other party should not be the issue.

All right, so way back in April 2004, J.L. King (presumably no relation to Gayle) was on the show, talking about all the guys he was banging outside his marriage. Lots and lots of casual sex with men. But the guy refused to say he was gay. I guess he introduced Oprah (and the world?) to the concept of the "down-low," also known as being "on the DL," which involves a married man having sex with men. I've always known it to be a term in the black community (not that the phenomenon is exclusive to them), but according to today's guests, it applies to all. Fair enough.

So, Oprah introduced King's 2004 segment, then told us he would be back later. But first! Bridget was this awesome professional lady. Then she got married to this guy, John. On the way back from their honeymoon, he got sick and they didn't know what was wrong with him. A few months later, she got sick, too, and ended up being diagnosed with HIV. When Bridget found out, John got tested, and her doctor told her that she gave it to him. There's no explanation of this, but I have no idea how the doctor could just make that assumption.

Bridget had no idea how this happened, but she made the deal with her husband that they would handle it on their own and tell no one. Turns out he was telling his family and friends that she transmitted the disease to him anyway. So she told her brother, and the first thing he did was tell her to ask John how many men he'd slept with; seems like John wasn't on the down-low as much as he thought, I guess. Bridget asked, and John said he had been in relationships with two men. Soon thereafter, Bridget found explicit emails on the computer, written from John to various sexual partners.

Needless to say, these people aren't married anymore. Bridget sued John for $12.5 million, and won, but she hasn't seen a penny, and now she's living on public assistance. John = douche. To say the least.

Multiple Personalities

The first note I wrote down for this episode was, "Maybe I've pointed this out before, but Oprah has some seriously big boobs."

And then this shit got serious, and I stopped making jokes.

When I first saw the promo for this episode a few days ago, I scoffed and declared that I thought multiple personalities were a load of crap. That might have been a little harsh, and it certainly wasn't based on any actual information I possess.

I'm not going to say that an episode of Oprah is enough education to receive on this topic, but I guess there is something to be said for being able to see the human side of a much-maligned disorder. This wasn't The United States of Tara on my television today. And thank god, because I hate that show.

The point is, it wasn't exactly a laughing matter when Oprah re-introduced us to Truddi Chase, who first appeared on the show way back in 1990. She had 92 separate personalities, caused by the sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of her stepfather starting when she was two years old.

Fucked. Up.

In the clip Oprah showed from 1990, she completely broke down while talking to Truddi. Apparently it had something to do with Oprah finally acknowledging her own history of abuse. You don't see Oprah lose it like that these days. I mean, she shed some tears in this episode, but not like she did back in 1990.

Truddi Chase died earlier this year, at the age of 75. Her daughter was the second guest on today's episode, but I didn't think she had all that much to say, so I'm glossing over her.

The bulk of the episode was devoted to Kim Noble, a 49-year old English woman who has 20 personalities. And a 13-year old daughter. "Patricia" is the dominant personality, though others have been dominant at different times in the past. Kim is sometimes a deeply religious woman named Salome, sometimes a doting mother named Bonny, sometimes a gay man (go figure) named Ken, and many more.

At one point, they did an interview (a taped piece) with Kim in which she switched between personalities. I guess what I don't understand is how she's able to control it for the cameras, but not when it matters in real life.

Martha Stewart

First it was J.K. Rowling. Now it's Martha Stewart. Oprah sure does love these entrepreneurial billionaire chicks.

I wonder what she'd think of me, sitting in bed with my computer at 11:30 at night, eating directly from a box of Frosted Flakes as I write this post. "Warrior woman," indeed.

You may be surprised to learn that I know a shit-ton about one Ms. Martha Stewart. In my previous relationship, Martha's show was a religious experience, so I rolled my eyes through many an episode. Perhaps you've read enough about me to know that the crafting and cooking worlds do not interest me in the slightest.

I don't dislike Martha Stewart. It's just that we have nothing in common. But I appreciate her for being a tough woman who started from nothing and is now the "queen of fine living." She's a self-made woman, if you will. And you certainly don't hear that term enough. If ever.

Frosted Flakes make your fingers really sticky. I just need you to know that.

My favorite part of the episode came right at the very beginning, when Oprah asked Martha if she got her (Oprah's) letters in prison. Martha has been out for five years, and Oprah just now thought of checking on the reliability of the mail service to a penitentiary. Way to follow up, Opes. Martha told Oprah that she got her "little notes," which I thought might have been a dig. If so, way to go, Martha.

This season I've noticed that Oprah likes to show people old pictures of themselves, then ask them what they would tell that younger version. She did it with the "age and beauty" episode, and she did it again with Martha today. I wondered why, but then there was an Oprah/Dove promo toward the end of today's episode, asking what you wish you would have known at the age of thirteen. So perhaps there's a tie-in. It's an interesting question. What would I go back and tell this girl?

Joke answer: Don't look so happy about getting those in-line skates for Christmas. You'll only use them maybe five more times in your life, the last time coming when you skate to work in Manhattan when you're 20, and you nearly get hit by several cars, and then bite it on a crack in the sidewalk and end up shredding off half the skin on your knee. Return them.

Serious answer: Love on your dog, Data, as much as you can in the next few months, because you're going to miss the hell out of her when she's gone. And stop worrying so much. Life is going to suck, and then get better, and then suck again. But it's best to believe that it will always come around to that better side eventually.

10/5/10 -- Ultimate Amazing Animals

When I started recording the show, Oprah was in the middle of talking to some people who own some sort of miniature horse named Einstein. All I gathered from this is that she was talking to some rich people with too much time on their hands. The evidence? This damn horse has two nannies.

The show moved on to slightly more interesting stories, like a dolphin with a prosthetic tail who inspired a little girl to not be ashamed of her hearing aid, or the story of some dogs that attacked a suicide bomber in Afghanistan, saving the lives of many American soldiers. One of those dogs died, and the other two were adopted by soldiers. And yes, I teared up during this one.

You know why? Because I miss my dog. So much. I talk about her on my other blog, but since Oprah made such a big deal about animal adoption on yesterday's show, it only seems appropriate to show you the before and after of my pup, Jack (a girl). The "before" is the first picture taken of her when she arrived at the Pasadena Humane Society.  The "after" is what I call her school picture, taken in June 2008.

She weighs just under six pounds, and she is five and a half years old. And, I think you'll agree, ridiculously adorable.

Adopt a dog, everyone. It'll be the best decision you ever make.

I'm sorry, but this show just wasn't that interesting. Everyone knows puppy mills are bad, everyone has seen the video of that dog Faith who walks on her hind legs, and everyone who watches this show knows that Oprah loves cocker spaniels.

So I'll leave you with a quote, said by Katie's mom on Saturday night. We mentioned that J.K. Rowling was on Friday's show, and Heather said, "Yeah, I watched a little of that at the gym. But then I finally just closed my eyes."

Which is, of course, something I wish I could do. But you've seen the title of the blog, right?


Today, Martha Stewart is on the show. And I'll be watching. Eyes wide open.


Oh, and I know you probably think I should be looking up the first half of this episode and watching it, since I did promise to watch every episode of the show. And if the DVR hadn't recorded any of this episode, I would go find it online. But since I was able to watch part of it, I think that counts. Yes, I'm making up the rules as I go along, but it's my blog, so I can do whatever I want.

Technical Difficulties

This afternoon at 4:25, I happened to glance up at my DVR, only to realize that the little red "record" light wasn't lit. For reasons still unknown, the stupid thing had decided not to record Oprah today. I, of course, panicked, but managed to get and manually set the record.

OMG. What would have happened if I had never noticed at all?

I was planning to watch what I have, but Katie came home from work with an injured leg, so life took priority. I'll watch as soon as I get up in the morning, and write a post as soon as possible, so please try to hang on until then.

I'm sorry. I know you're dying, just like I am, to know exactly what happened in this "Ultimate Amazing Animals" episode.

J.K. Rowling

Normally I take notes in my Ope-book while I watch the show in the early evening, and then I write the actual post at night, just before I go to bed.

I'm not doing that today, because it's Friday. And it's not like I have some big party plans or something, but I don't want Oprah to take away from catching up on episodes of 30 Rock and The Office and doing crossword puzzles in bed with Katie. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

So, it's 4:47 pm here, which means Oprah has been on for 47 minutes. Katie will be home in about 90 minutes, and she deserves to not have to watch the show today. So I'm going to keep the computer in front of me and write what I think as it happens. 

Which means you're almost guaranteed to be bored by this one. Except it'll probably be short, because it's J.K. Rowling and I really, really don't care. I read the first four Harry Potter books out of a sense of obligation, and I guess they're okay. But they're no A Wrinkle in Time or Bridge to Terabithia, which are two of the best children's books I've ever read.

But, hey, the world loves Rowling's work. So let's all sit back and watch two billionaires talk to each other, shall we?

When Oprah says to Rowling, "This is the first time we've met," I literally believe that Oprah walked on to the set right before the cameras started rolling and said, "Let's do this."

Oprah reads us the last page of the final Harry Potter book. That seems a bit rude.

But, the final book ends with "all is well," which is how Katie ended these little books she wrote when she was a kid. So that's kind of adorable.

Oprah doesn't appear to be wearing Louboutins today, so Rowling is picking up that slack. Jesus, these are some rich women.

Oprah feels the need to tell Rowling (but probably more likely the American public) that in America we call queues "lines." Listen, Opes. Her country invented the language. Let's give the woman a break. Also, let's give your audience a bit more credit. Are most Americans watching this and assuming that there were a bunch of, I don't know, felt letters on the sidewalk outside the Barnes and Noble at her Rowling's first book signing, like it was an extreme episode of Sesame Street? 

Nevermind. Most Americans are pretty stupid, so Oprah is probably correct to explain what "queue" means. She should probably spell it for them, too, frankly.

Rowling and I have at least one thing in common: We both have always wanted to be writers. But I'm pretty sure she knows that she'll be able to pay her rent next month, so that's where our lives start to diverge.

Shit. You guys? Rowling doesn't believe magic is real. She just dropped that so casually into a sentence, and I believe I heard hearts breaking all across the land.