America's Worst Cooks

Jessica Seinfeld has a lot of money, thanks to her marriage to Jerry Seinfeld, but she'd like to make more of it by trying to make you a better cook. I don't think I'd ever seen Jessica before, and all I can say about her now is that she looks like she's about twelve years old. And that she really should have had someone from Oprah's team look at her hair. She had one of those half ponytail deals happening, but she missed a bunch of hair on one side of her head, so the whole thing just looked uneven and weird. Plus, a navy striped shirt paired with a sweater with black sequins? Come on.

Now that I've judged the metaphorical book by its cover, let's dive into what's in Jessica's actual book, "Double Delicious." It tastes good, and it's easy to make. I guess that must be what the "double" is referencing. Apparently people sent in some videos of themselves, talking about why they might be the "worst cook in America." At that point, I thought they might make a competition out of it, which might have been fun. But that was not in the cards. Instead, some of the "worst cooks" were on the show, and we got Jessica teaching them (and everyone else) how to make fast, tasty meals for their families.

Yes, it was about as boring as I just made it sound. One of the worst cooks, Darlene, made me laugh when she revealed (in her home video) that she keeps scrunchies in her Crock Pot. She brought those props with her to the show, but pronounced it "scrungees." Oprah repeated the pronunciation as though it were perfectly normal. So either I'm crazy, or Oprah was just trying to be nice.

There were some shenanigans with Ali Wentworth and Jessica going to a grocery store in New Jersey and admonishing people for what was in their carts. Then they went to a house in New York, where Ryan Brown lives with his wife, Victoria, and their son. Ryan thinks his British wife is the worst cook in America. There were only two notable things about this whole segment. 

One, Ryan Brown looks like he's Val Kilmer's missing brother:

And two, Oprah really loves his wife:

Oprah is dangerously close to copping a feel there. And check out how angry that's making Ali. She thought she was the favorite.

After the cooking lessons were over, we were forced to meet the O'Connor family, who are apparently incredibly rich, entirely oblivious, and totally annoying. The two daughters and the mother just LOVE to shop! And the dad and son are irritated by it, and just can't believe these women! This family was gross, and this just felt like someone on Oprah's staff knows these people, and he/she decided this would be a fun segment for their friends to do. But when you're interviewing an eleven-year-old girl who says that her favorite purse brand is Marc Jacobs ("because it can hold so much stuff!"), there's a problem. And the older girl, whose name was unfortunately Erin, needs to learn economic shopping practices, but maybe not as much as she needs to learn how to find appropriate (read: not skintight/ill-fitting) clothes for her body type.

Some dude named Adam, who must write some column in the magazine, took the family to T.J. Maxx, where they were all flabbergasted to find that you can buy decent looking shoes for under $700. Seriously, do people really need this much help to learn that there is affordable clothing out there? The O'Connor family does not give a crap about spending less on clothes. They wanted to be on Oprah, and they wanted to brag about how much money they have. Despite her protests, the mother didn't "hate to admit" the price of her Jimmy Choos. She was eating that shit up with a spoon. And Oprah just gave her a national audience for her boasting.

After that chicanery, Adam brought out identical twins wearing similar outfits, and had everyone guess which outfit was the more affordable one. I will tell you that I got all three correct, and it wasn't that much of a challenge. Yet another boring segment, but Oprah at least made it a little interesting when she annoyed me by being so! shocked! when Adam revealed that the designer outfits cost $6000-7000. Um, Oprah? I've seen your Louboutins, which you wear practically every day. Please, please don't tell me that you got the rest of that outfit at Ross, okay?

For the final segment, we got some audience members' reactions to being in the audience for the premiere, when Oprah said she is talking them all to Australia. They all seemed genuinely excited, and there isn't much to report, except that one woman made both Katie and me groan, and I had to pause it to write down what she said:

"It was probably the most happiest I've been in my life."

Followed by:

"I teach eighth grade language arts."

Oprah, just keep running quotes like that, and you won't have to convince any of us that there is a serious need for education reform (perhaps starting with the teachers) in this country.

Sometimes, Watching Oprah is a family event, and even Merritt gets in on the action. Here he is, enthralled by a paused image of Oprah on the screen (edited awkwardly to get rid of Katie, who didn't know I was taking a picture):

And here he is, checking my notes in the Ope-book: 

Forgive the quality of the photos. They were snapped quickly on my phone. This way at least you know they weren't staged.

Tomorrow: Jane Fonda.