Mark Fuhrman

My god, was anyone else bored to tears by this episode?

Mark Fuhrman. Fifteen years ago he was a detective on the O.J. Simpson case, and he became the villain of the piece (maybe, in the eyes of some, even more so than the man who quite obviously brutally murdered two people) because he lied about having ever used the n-word.

So he's written a few books, and he came to Oprah, thirteen years after he appeared on the show and told everybody he wasn't a racist. Yawn.

Seriously, I don't feel like any major bombshells were dropped today. At one point, while going to commercial, the "coming up" told us that Fuhrman had a "shocking message" for O.J. But then we came back from commercial, and at some point in that segment, with little fanfare, Fuhrman said that he doesn't think O.J. went to the house to murder Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman, so it shouldn't have been first degree murder.

I'll give you a second to catch your breath.

I think the worst part is how bad I felt for Oprah during this interview, because Mark Fuhrman is a terrible interviewee. He cut himself off in the middle of sentences to start anew, and he sometimes mumbled over words. Oprah thought he said he "would" have answered the phone again when they called to give him the case, were he able to go back in time; he had to repeat it twice before Oprah, or anyone else, understood he was saying "wouldn't." Kind of changes things a bit, huh?

He also seemed to be one of those people who sort of thinks he's intelligent enough to speak in metaphor or use big words, but messes those things up just enough that he just sounds like an idiot who's trying too hard. Like when he said, I think about looking back to the past and regretting what he did, "If I open that door, it's a never-ending...door." Eloquent. Or the time he wanted to say two things had a "convergence," but instead sounded like he said, "convergion." Slip of the tongue, you say? Perhaps. And if this intrepid reporter had thought to write down more examples, she'd be able to refute that point. Alas.

I guess I'm just glad that I now officially know that Oprah thinks O.J. is guilty. Because, seriously. Dude killed some people. I really can't believe how badly the prosecution blew that case, and how ridiculously inept the jurors had to be to agree that there was even a hint of reasonable doubt. Morons.

Also? Mr. Fuhrman is against the media, and thinks there's no such thing as investigative journalism anymore. So he pays the bills these days by being a correspondent for -- wait for it -- Fox News Channel. Because, according to Fuhrman, "Fox News is different." Holy crap.

For that reason, I don't feel the least bit guilty that when I've thought about Fuhrman, I've heard his name the way Dana Carvey says it at 0:47 into this stand-up:



Oprah mentioned that she often dreams about getting to interview O.J. and having him confess to her that he committed the murders. Want to know what Oprah looks like when she's cocky enough to believe that O.J. would finally admit what he's denied for a decade and a half? You're in luck!

Tomorrow: Ryan O'Neal and Ali MacGraw from Love Story. The movie is on my Netflix instant queue, so maybe I'll have a chance to actually watch it before the show, in the hopes that I can make a note of what O'Neal looked like before he decided to turn himself into an old lesbian.