Are You Normal?

One thing you need to know before you even start this one: I kind of fell in love with Oprah during this episode.

Thursday, I'll be subjected to the "stars" of the new show Sister Wives, and Friday it's "American War Heroes - Why Are These Women Now Homeless?" so this love will be short-lived. But it's there now, and all because Oprah talked about poop.

Okay, not just poop. In reality, she endeared herself to me in the very beginning of the episode, which was all about whether or not the stuff we think is weird or abnormal is really so different from what everyone else is doing. People want to know how they fit in with everyone else, so Oprah gave her studio audience little devices with numbers they could press to vote on the different questions she asked.

The first question was, "How often do you have sex?" 42% responded, "it's been a while," and 37% responded, "at least once a week." One woman raised her hand when Oprah asked if anyone had sex just before they came to the show. I'm guessing she didn't press the button for "it's been a while."

The next question was where Oprah had me officially hooked. It was, "Have you ever faked it?" Lots of giggles from the audience, and Oprah couldn't wait to answer. I laughed out loud when she said, "It should be, 'who hasn't faked it?'" That's when I realized that this Oprah, the one who was around for the majority of this show, is the one with whom I could be friends. Assuming she doesn't sue me for this website.

Please don't get litigious, Opes.

So, when you're wondering about what's normal, and you're looking for expert advice on the matter, to whom do you turn?

Why, the arbiter of normal himself, Dr. Phil. And his absurd teeth. Look at these things:

Veneers whitened to the point of blinding anyone who looks directly at them? Totally normal.



I could forgive the Dr. Phil appearance. But I thought my love for Oprah would go away completely when she brought on a dude who watches 40-50 hours of football a week. That is ridiculous, but not my issue. No, my problem was when Oprah brought out my not-so-closeted feminist when she posed the question, "How many hours of football should a man watch in a week?"

I had to pause the show right there to take a deep breath. I told Katie that maybe it wasn't that big of a deal to me, because I don't really care about football.  And Katie said, "Well, what if the question had been about baseball?"

Touché.

All I'm saying is, don't be so quick to divide people along the gender line, Oprah. Especially in a season where you did an entire episode about a man becoming a woman and then fathering her own children.

I didn't think Oprah could win back my heart, but she did it not too long after the football faux pas. She mentioned a previous episode, on which Dr. Oz said that "s-shaped poop is normal." Apparently this was a big episode, and many people responded to it. The gravity of that revelation was also not lost on Oprah:

"That was life-changing for me."

Oprah talking about poop? I can get behind that. No pun intended.

Even better, Oprah set the world at ease when she pointed out that "everybody looks at their poop."

During a discussion about popping zits, Dr. Oz brought out a giant replica zit, and then (with a needle, because you should never use just your fingers) proceeded to pop it.

Seriously gross. But maybe not as gross as the way Dr. Oz explained what happens when you flush your toilet. With every flush, there is a "plume of fecal material" that comes out of the toilet, so you should really close the lid unless you want that shit all over your toothbrush. I've been telling Katie that for months, and she's been learning slowly but surely, but I believe Dr. Oz's graphic language there will get her 100% on board.

Oprah was astonished when Dr. Oz suggested that people use the paper towel upon which they dried their hands to open the door in a public restroom. It really seemed like she had never heard that idea before, whereas I feel like I've been doing it since I was old enough to go into a public restroom alone. I was shocked, but Katie said, "Oprah's never been in a public restroom."

Me: What about on the road trip with Gayle?

Katie: She was cathed.

A not-so-interesting statistic revealed that 94% of people speak to their animals as though the animals were human. So what? How the hell else are you supposed to speak to your dog? By barking?

One of the final segments was about a woman who cleans her house while completely naked, which led to this question: "Have you ever done household chores naked?"

As Oprah voted, she said to the audience, "Not a chance in hell." But I think Oprah just misread the question, and she thought it said, "Have you ever done household chores...in the last 25 years?"

See, she's confused because she has maids. Get it?

We got a little sneak preview of the show that will feature Oprah and Gayle's trip to Yosemite (October 29th, and Katie and I are -- seriously -- sort of excited about it), and in it we saw Oprah singing along with Kenny Rogers' "The Gambler." Only when Oprah started singing it, I barely recognized it at all. I wouldn't say the woman has perfect pitch. But at least she got all the lyrics correct. To the chorus, anyway. I'd love to hear her sing along with one of the verses.

Lastly, you should know that "love" is apparently the most Googled word of all time. Aww.


Tomorrow: Sister Wives. Barf.