Sister Wives

Before I even started this episode, I wrote down a note that said, "Polygamists screw things up for the gays." And after watching the episode, I worried about how I would be able to write anything negative about polygamy, knowing full well that plenty of people connect the two "lifestyles," since both are considered non-traditional. You know the drill. A politician rants about how legalizing gay marriage will lead to legalizing polygamy, then legalizing sex with children, then allowing people to marry goats, and so on.

I'm always against the "slippery slope" defense, which seems to say that once we make one law, we won't be able to stop ourselves from making the next one down the line. Because remember how making it a law to wear your seatbelt in the car led to the law that required every human being to wear a helmet at all times of the day, even while sleeping?

No? You don't remember that? Probably because it doesn't make any sense. Kind of like the idea of a human legally marrying a goat. And like how criminalizing murder doesn't lead to the criminalization of giving someone a dirty look. Laws are established for a reason, and since our particular constitution is a living document, it allows for the possibility that society changes, so the laws might have to change with it.

Second, I can't say for sure that I'm totally against the idea of legalizing polygamy. If consenting adults of legal age want to call themselves married, I don't understand the problem. The fact of the matter is that the government shouldn't be involved in marriages in any way. It's one thing to say that the government needs to protect the children.  That's fine, and if polygamy is doing a lot of damage to children (which I think it probably is, which is why I can't come out and just say that I am absolutely for its legalization), then the government should probably have a say. But if the kids are all right, what business does the government have in getting involved in any marriage between any consenting adults?

The best part of all of this is that those who are often most against non-traditional marriages are those who claim to be a member of a political party that believes in less government interference in a private citizen's life. By their own logic, if you want to take your gun with you everywhere, and you want your church to be tax-exempt and you want to be able to protest funerals and not hire gay people for jobs, that's all well and good, and the government shouldn't get a say. But if you want to marry someone of the same sex, or have more than one spouse at a time, well, you're going straight to hell. And before you get there, we'll make sure you are never treated as a full citizen under the law.



All that said, I hate that polygamists are ever, ever lumped into the same category as gay people. Because, as Katie said toward the end of today's episode (remember how this blog is about Oprah?), "This is so twisted. I'm judging."

And just because I feel like adding this here: If I walked into a Mormon temple (I'm using them as an example because this episode was about them, but the analogy works for any church) tomorrow with a guy who was, like me, not Mormon, and asked if I could get married there, the elders would say no.  They might offer me the option of converting if I so chose, but otherwise they would send me on my way. And they would be well within their rights to do so. If gay marriage were legalized, and I walked into a Mormon temple with a non-Mormon girl and asked to get married there, the elders would still say no. And they would still be within their legal rights to do so, because a church has always been, and will always be, allowed to decide who gets married in its place of worship, or by one of its clergy. Which means that any argument that claims that legal gay marriage somehow infringes on the religious rights of others is absolutely incorrect, and the people who spread those lies are simply fear mongering. And they should be ashamed.

So, yeah. Once again, back to the show. I think these people are weird. I think the dude is a sex addict, and the women have daddy issues. Two of them were raised in polygamist homes, so it's unfortunately all they've ever known. Not surprising that they would make that choice as adults.

The guy is Kody. His wife of 20 years is Meri, his wife of seventeen years is Janelle, and his wife of sixteen years is Christine. And he has maybe the stupidest hair you will ever see on a grown man. Someone recently said he looks like "the guy from Dumb and Dumber," but somehow it's even worse than Jeff Daniels' haircut in that movie. I don't know how to describe it, other than maybe as a bowl-cut mullet, and I didn't take a picture of my screen because I couldn't be bothered. Google it.

So, these people all live together. They have thirteen children together, and the fourth wife, who just entered the picture five months ago, brought three children of her own along for this wild ride. They all wanted to do their TLC show because they wanted to show that they're not so different from the rest of the world. Also, they got paid a bunch of money, so that didn't hurt. But that, shockingly, went unmentioned.

In case you're wondering, Kody only gets to have sex with one woman at a time because, as Meri put it, "[They] don't go weird."

Well, good. We wouldn't want things to get weird.

I didn't know what to make of Oprah during this episode. She seemed rather intrigued by these people for the majority of the show, but you could also tell that she didn't think much of them overall. There was a fair amount of condescension involved, but I can't really blame Oprah for that. I would talk to these people exactly the same way.

At one point, Oprah said, "I don't watch television as a rule," but that she might consider tuning in for this show. Okay. Remember how much I loved Oprah yesterday because of all the poop talk? Strike all that. I am no longer in love. I am so, so annoyed by people who are so patronizing when it comes to television. I'll grant you that there is a great deal of crap on television, but it doesn't make you some fucking genius just because you decide that television is beneath you, or that having cable is too "extravagant" for anyone's lifestyle. I love television. I think there are amazing things to watch on that crazy contraption, and I don't care if you think I'm somehow less intelligent because I choose to watch.

Ever heard of the phrase "biting the hand that feeds you," Oprah? You might want to look it up.

Also, remember how much you talked about loving Modern Family? I know you had to point out to all of us that you download it from iTunes and watch it on your iPad, but that still counts as watching television.

Oh, and of all the shows to watch, this reality show that showcases a family exploiting their "religious belief" for the sake of fame and fortune is the one you would choose as an exception to your "no television" rule? That's like saying you're anti-drug, but then admitting that you do heroin when you get the chance.

Back to the show. Toward the end, as the women talked more and more about how they loved the "sisterhood" in their situation, I thought that maybe there are some mommy issues at work as well. Bottom line is, I think these women have some serious self-esteem problems, and Kody has taken big-time advantage of that.

Also, despite the fact that apparently all of these people are Mormon, and they believe in the fundamentalist part of the teaching that says that plural marriage is friggin' sweet, I never once heard them say a word about how their faith plays into this. It's weird, because you would think you'd hear them talking about the basis for this decision. Now, maybe that's just because Oprah didn't ask the right questions, or maybe it's because the religion doesn't really matter to them that much at all. Or maybe they mention it plenty on the TLC show. I don't know. It was just a little odd.

At the end, Oprah brought on four of the teenage children that are a product of these marriages. It was less compelling than you might think. But Oprah did ask if the kids see enough of their father, considering he's spread pretty thin. One girl said, "He used to be gone all the time, but lately he's been around a lot." Then the son explained that they recently moved into a new house, which means Kody doesn't have to travel as far for work. No mention of who paid for this new house, which has three interconnecting apartments inside, but something tells me TLC thought it might be a much more entertaining show if this father, the sower of the seed, could actually be on camera interacting with his family.

These people are weird. I hate that they're getting publicity. I refuse to watch the TLC show, even out of morbid curiosity.

But, if TLC wants to come pay me and Katie to be on a reality show about being poor, struggling, gay moms, just tell me where to sign.


Tomorrow: American heroes who happen to be women. And poor. Or something.