Lisa Marie Presley

The thing about Lisa Marie Presley is that, no matter what, she always looks high. Her eyes are so strange. Also, she's got quite the monotonous voice. There's a chance she's a robot. And you all should know how I feel about robots.

I'm wondering if Oprah did this Lisa Marie interview around the same time she did the one with J.K. Rowling, since Lisa Marie lives in England, and that's where the interview took place. But, it is Oprah, so I guess there's a pretty good chance she just gets on her private jet and has it fly her wherever she wants to go, whenever she wants it.

Or maybe Oprah has wings, and she doesn't even need the jet. Don't discount this theory--can you prove that Oprah doesn't have wings? I didn't think so.

Back to Lisa Marie, who has the weird distinction of being close to two different pop star dudes who ended up killing themselves with an abundance of drugs. Anyone ever thought to blame Lisa Marie for her father's death, or for Michael Jackson's?

Too soon? Okay.

Oprah mentioned twice during this episode that she and Lisa Marie went hiking this summer. I find that to be the strangest thing. Did this hike take place in California? Chicago? England? How are these two friends? What do they talk about on a hike? Celebrity life is weird.

Even weirder is that Lisa Marie mentioned that John Travolta was one of the first to text her after Jackson died. What the hell is going on? Does Travolta have some connection to Michael Jackson that I don't know about? Or does Scientology and/or penance for being secretly gay mean that he has to automatically comfort a celebrity when anyone close to that celebrity dies?

During the entire interview with Oprah, there was a random Apple laptop sitting on a desk. Open. They never referred to it or used it any way. Was this product placement? Or was John Travolta watching via iChat?



Okay, so Lisa Marie now understands why people would think her marriage to Michael Jackson was a sham. Well, then, those eyes of hers work, even if they don't always seem to open all the way. Of course that marriage looked like a sham! Perhaps she never actually opened her eyes to look at Michael Jackson, or else she might have come to the conclusion that it was weird before she even said her vows.

Presley said it was a normal marriage, which makes me wonder what she considers normal.

Wait, we actually got to see a picture of her with her current husband, so there's visual evidence of what she considers normal.

So, that explains everything, I guess. For the record, when Katie and I get married, I intend to replicate that photo when we take our wedding pictures. It'll be awesome.

Presley only suspected that Jackson was using drugs shortly before she filed for divorce. Okay, the evidence just keeps building. Are Presley's eyes so weird because she is, in fact, blind? Have y'all seen that "You Are Not Alone" video? Could a woman with normal vision actually partake in what is, to date, the creepiest music video of all time?

Presley never saw Jackson inappropriately touch a child. I don't want to blaspheme the dead, so I'll just say again that Presley never saw the inappropriate touching, and I've already proven how awesome her vision is.

I don't think Presley seems like an unkind person. It must be hard to be normal when you grow up the daughter of Elvis, and then get married to Michael Jackson. But other than the robotic qualities, she seemed nice enough, and even like maybe she has some perspective on her fame.

I even thought of her as well-spoken until she said that if you made Michael Jackson angry, he would "ice you out...it was like a shark sometimes in that way."

Yes. Sharks are known for their ice power.

At the end of the interview, Presley told Oprah that she's only doing one interview on this subject, and that's it. Considering how bored I was during this episode, I would like to personally thank Presley for choosing Oprah for that one interview. You couldn't have gone on Ellen?


Tomorrow: When Your Own Mother Is A Notorious Killer