Martha Stewart

First it was J.K. Rowling. Now it's Martha Stewart. Oprah sure does love these entrepreneurial billionaire chicks.

I wonder what she'd think of me, sitting in bed with my computer at 11:30 at night, eating directly from a box of Frosted Flakes as I write this post. "Warrior woman," indeed.

You may be surprised to learn that I know a shit-ton about one Ms. Martha Stewart. In my previous relationship, Martha's show was a religious experience, so I rolled my eyes through many an episode. Perhaps you've read enough about me to know that the crafting and cooking worlds do not interest me in the slightest.

I don't dislike Martha Stewart. It's just that we have nothing in common. But I appreciate her for being a tough woman who started from nothing and is now the "queen of fine living." She's a self-made woman, if you will. And you certainly don't hear that term enough. If ever.

Frosted Flakes make your fingers really sticky. I just need you to know that.

My favorite part of the episode came right at the very beginning, when Oprah asked Martha if she got her (Oprah's) letters in prison. Martha has been out for five years, and Oprah just now thought of checking on the reliability of the mail service to a penitentiary. Way to follow up, Opes. Martha told Oprah that she got her "little notes," which I thought might have been a dig. If so, way to go, Martha.

This season I've noticed that Oprah likes to show people old pictures of themselves, then ask them what they would tell that younger version. She did it with the "age and beauty" episode, and she did it again with Martha today. I wondered why, but then there was an Oprah/Dove promo toward the end of today's episode, asking what you wish you would have known at the age of thirteen. So perhaps there's a tie-in. It's an interesting question. What would I go back and tell this girl?

Joke answer: Don't look so happy about getting those in-line skates for Christmas. You'll only use them maybe five more times in your life, the last time coming when you skate to work in Manhattan when you're 20, and you nearly get hit by several cars, and then bite it on a crack in the sidewalk and end up shredding off half the skin on your knee. Return them.

Serious answer: Love on your dog, Data, as much as you can in the next few months, because you're going to miss the hell out of her when she's gone. And stop worrying so much. Life is going to suck, and then get better, and then suck again. But it's best to believe that it will always come around to that better side eventually.

Back to the show. I guess Oprah's crew built a replica of the kitchen Martha uses on her show. So it was time for grilled cheese, which is apparently "America's Favorite Sandwich." I demand a recount.

At 20 minutes in, Katie let me know she was bored. Because apparently watching two rich people make sandwiches is not the way she wants to spend her time.

And yes, I harp on the money a lot. You know why? Because I'm poor.

Seriously, though, want to make guesses on when Oprah last cooked for herself? I'm betting not since the Clinton administration.

What goes best with grilled cheese? Bloody Marys. Of course. And Oprah likes hers with a lot of hot sauce. How much do you think Oprah drinks in her day-to-day life? Fuck, who am I kidding? She's probably drunk for every show. It would explain her interviewing skills. And it would certainly explain the patronizing tone she took with Martha. It seemed like a whole lot of fake enthusiasm for Oprah. I suppose I could be reading it wrong, but she didn't seem all that interested in Martha; she just assumed the audience was interested, I guess, so she made an effort. A terrible effort.

I got an eye-roll from Katie when I identified one of Martha's dogs by name. I'm telling you, I know way more about this woman than anyone should. If you think knowing her dog's name is weird, how about the fact that I know her former home in Connecticut was called Turkey Hill?

BAM!

At some point while discussing what to bring to people's homes as a gift, Martha said that it was sufficient to bring just a jar of honey or preserves. I'm telling you right now, Martha, if you show up at my house with just one jar of honey or some fucking apricot preserves, you will be turning right back around with that sad little gift. At the very least, I expect you to do my laundry and magically organize my closet. Honey is ridiculous. Don't come here with that shit.

At the end of the show, Oprah pointed out that Martha's show is now exclusively on the Hallmark Channel. Ouch. Sorry you apparently lost that syndication deal, Martha.

Oh, and between now and some time on Wednesday afternoon, you can get 50% off a Martha Stewart item at Michael's by using some coupon you get at the Oprah website. And no, I'm not going to link to it for you.

This episode felt like it lasted forever, but now it seems that it was entirely void of content. As empty as the calories from the half-box of Frosted Flakes I just consumed.


Wednesday: Multiple personalities or something.




UPDATE: Just read this aloud to Katie and she said I should sound interested. So, this is edited to add:

Wednesday: Multiple personalities or something!