30-Year-Old Virgins

Meet Shayla, 30, and Carmen, 31. They are virgins. Shayla doesn't want to be a whore like all the women her father dated after her mother died. Carmen is big and fat and doesn't feel good about herself as a result.

They both wrote Oprah, hoping she could help them get some action, I guess. Oprah brought in Dr. Laura Berman, a sex therapist who, coincidentally enough, will have a show on Oprah's new network, OWN, in January.

Shayla was funny. Carmen was just mostly sad, and lacking self-esteem. In fact, everyone was funny, except for Carmen. I mean, Shayla had her moments of sadness, like when Dr. Berman asked her to write letters to her deceased parents. But overall, she was kind of awesome, especially compared to the sad sack that was Carmen. Sorry, Carmen. I'm probably not doing wonders for your self-esteem, huh?

So, you should know that both Shayla and Carmen went on dates, and worked with Dr. Berman for a month, and probably generally feel better about themselves as a result. Except for Carmen, probably. But in looking over my notes for this episode, I realized that I pretty much only wrote down quotes, which means that's what you're going to get: The story of the show, told in a serious of quotes.

Katie, ten minutes into the episode: "This is boring. I thought it was going to be more razzle-dazzle."

Shayla, on how she doesn't know how to masturbate: "There's no course on that...is there?"

Dr. Berman, on why Shayla should masturbate: "How's anyone else gonna like your vulva if you're not familiar with it?"

Katie, after making me pause the episode when Oprah started to talk about masturbation: "We have to have a moment of silence over Oprah stroking her vulva."

Shayla, on why she hadn't masturbated: "Good girls aren't masturbating. Well, they are now."

Oprah, alluding to the sex toy Dr. Berman had given Shayla: "Shayla met one of Dr. Berman's favorite things."

Katie, halfway through the episode: "I rescind the 'razzle-dazzle' comment."

Shayla, after receiving her "homework" from Dr. Berman: "I'm gonna have to masturbate and tell everybody?"

Shayla, talking about how she got herself ready: "I created a little vulva soundtrack."

Oprah, after Shayla said she took herself on a date: "Did y'all have a good time?"


Poor Carmen didn't get the assignment to masturbate, probably because Dr. Berman knew that even Carmen wouldn't want to have sex with Carmen. Instead, Carmen got the somewhat predictable homework of getting a makeover, and then going to talk to the "plus-sized" columnist at Marie Claire magazine.

Bo-ring!

But, that Shayla sure was a hoot, huh?


Monday: Mark Fuhrman talks O.J.