The Next Big Thing

This episode was slow and painful, but not nearly as bad as I expect tomorrow's episode to be. Tyler Perry. Dear god. Have you ever had to pull out a dry tampon? Think back to that moment, and then you'll have some idea of what Wednesday's episode will be like for me.

But for now, Tuesday's episode. Oprah spent the episode exploring what happened to "the next big thing." There were several of those "next big things" on the show, and then different taped packages about people who had been on Oprah, and then had their careers explode. Oprah didn't necessarily say there was a connection, but I'm sure she likes to take credit for the careers of people like Jerry Seinfeld, Mariah Carey, Jennifer Hudson, and Chris Rock.

First up on the show was Susan Boyle. After a short introduction, she launched right into a musical performance, randomly singing a cover of "Don't Dream It's Over," by Crowded House. It was not bad, but not super inspiring either. She was backed by a pretty large choir, all dressed in white robes. At first, both Katie and I thought we were going to get a black gospel choir, which would have been cool. But as the camera panned the choir, we realized that wasn't the case at all. "Nevermind. It's the KKK. There are no black people in there," Katie noticed.

Susan Boyle was really packed into her dress for this appearance, which means that a pair of Spanx has never had a more important job. Look, we all know that Boyle is not the most attractive woman in the world. And I'll admit that I took a picture of my screen after I paused it on the first solo shot of her, intending to point out how hideous it was. But after listening to her talk about being bullied as a child, both psychologically and physically,  there is no way I could be a part of that same pattern. Why make fun of someone for something she can't help? She's got an amazing gift, and she seems to be taking the fame in stride. She is the kind of person you want to root for in this world, and even if her Scottish accent is nearly indecipherable at times, I'm just going to stick with the first thing I ever wrote about her, and leave all the negative stuff out of it.



Next was Jackie Evancko, a ten-year-old opera singing sensation who came in second on America's Got Talent this past summer. She sings beautifully, if you're into that sort of music. I'm not, so I just fast forwarded through her performance. Sorry, but if I can't sing along, I'm not interested. She made me laugh when she said that she'd like to sing with Lady Gaga. That might be interesting. Jackie seems like a normal kid, and she impressed Oprah by using the word "genre," so I kind of liked her. But I'm not going to rush out and buy her four-song Christmas album. I'll probably be the lone person in Oprah's viewing audience who can say that.

Speaking of Christmas, Oprah was dressed like she was attending a holiday pageant. It was truly weird. I don't know if this picture will do it justice, but it was odd to see Oprah wearing what appeared to be tinsel around her neck.

I hope you appreciate the halo effect that came as a result of pausing it as they were dissolving out to a graphic. This is not necessarily an unattractive outfit, but still a strange choice for October. What about a dirndl, Opes? Let's get all Oktoberfest on their asses!

Debby Boone came next on the show, and her appearance meant absolutely nothing to me. I was not alive when "You Light Up My Life" was a popular song, and I feel like I'm not wrong in saying that, objectively, it's not a good song. She's pretty. I'll give her that. But that's about it. She did prompt a good line from Oprah after Boone said that people were always afraid to curse in front of her because they saw her as squeaky clean. Oprah noted that people also get scared when they curse in front of her, and she responds by saying, "What the hell are you apologizing for?"

I cannot tell you how much I would love Oprah if she would, just at any time this season, drop an f-bomb. That would be amazing.

At the end of the show, Oprah played a clip from her satellite appearance on The Daily Show, in which she gave Stewart's audience free airfare and hotel for the weekend of Stewart's big D.C. rally. Pretty cool.

Finally, at the very end, Katie noticed Ellen's name in the credits. I paused it, and noticed that the graphic had Ellen's name spelled incorrectly. We took a picture of the screen to prove it, but also because we couldn't remember a single moment in which Ellen was featured during this show. I even rewound through the whole thing looking for it, but didn't see a thing. What did I miss?

Tomorrow: I die. Tyler Perry.