12/29/10 -- Oprah Unplugged and Uncensored

Did you say you were interested in watching an hour-long commercial for one of the shows on Oprah's new network? Well, settle in, because that's what you got on Wednesday.

The audience for the episode was made up of staff members for the show, and Oprah spent the hour talking to several of them, then showing clips of behind-the-scenes moments that will air on a show called Season 25 (clever name, no?) on OWN.

Let me just say here that my cable provider will have OWN, since it currently has Discovery Health, and OWN is just replacing that. So I technically could watch Oprah's brainchild if I were so inclined. But, this coming Wednesday, I'm getting rid of cable and going to an over-the-air antenna paired with a TiVo. I don't watch much on cable anyway (save for Hoarders, and maybe a few others here and there), and the price of cable just suddenly doesn't seem worth it anymore. I could probably do without the TiVo, too, at $19.99 per month, but I need to watch Oprah, and I can't guarantee I'll always be prepared to do so at 4 pm every day.

You think I could get Oprah to reimburse me for this cost?

Anyway, the premise of this episode was to see what it's like to work for Oprah. And I know that was the premise because Oprah asked her staff the number one question they get from people they meet, and they all said, in unison and totally not planned in advance, "What's it like to work for Oprah?"

Oprah has 464 people on her staff. That's coconuts. Only a few senior producers got the opportunity to talk, though. And even though this seemed like it should be interesting and sort of funny, for the most part the episode was pretty boring. Katie fell asleep at some point, after looking up at the screen and saying, "There are 27 minutes left?!?" Somehow, Oprah "uncensored" managed to just drag on and on.

12/28/10 -- Finally New Again

I don't even know if I remember how to do this, but let's give it a shot.

Tuesday's episode was brought to you by Discovery Communications, which has a huge stake in Oprah's new network. It owns the Discovery Channel and TLC as well, just in case you were wondering why, exactly, this hodgepodge of shows was featured on Oprah.

This episode was taped far in advance, given that Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs mentioned speaking in front of Congress "three weeks ago." I remembered hearing about that, so I did a little sleuthing, and it turns out the testimony in question happened in late September. You have to assume Oprah is off getting shot into space or talking to a realtor about the purchase price of North America during her holiday vacation, so you know she isn't taping anything new.

So, I hope you like reality television, because that's what you got in this episode. They kicked it off with an  awesome show, Cash Cab, and its host, Ben Bailey. They gave us a breakdown on the concept of the show, which is pretty simple: Bailey is a licensed cab driver and a comedian, and he drives around picking up unsuspecting passengers who are then invited to play a trivia game. They get money for correct answers, but if they get three incorrect answers, they're out of the game and out of the cab.

Oprah, of course, is super against distracted driving, so she questioned Bailey on how he can remain safe while he's so distracted. Bailey insisted that he drives slowly, and that there's always a van behind him.

Repeats

My sister called me the other day, and the first thing she said was, "I don't know how you watch this every day."

I didn't ask to what show she was referring. I simply asked, "Which episode are you watching?"

"Ultimate Favorites 2. God, the screaming."

It was at this point that my mother chimed in to say that if someone gave her an iPad, she'd probably do a little screaming, too.

Cut to my parents' anniversary yesterday, when my dad woke my mom up to give her an iPad. I had heard about this gift the previous evening, and had requested that my father ask my mother to respond like a member of an Oprah audience. I'm told she fulfilled that request.

Obviously, I'm not watching Oprah every day right now anyway. My DVR tricked me in to thinking this week would be new episodes, but not surprisingly, that wasn't true. Right now it's telling me there are five new episodes next week, too, but I don't believe it.

In case you're wondering, yes, I have started watching the 20th Anniversary DVD set. So far, I've gotten through part one on disc one, called "The Beginning." 25 minutes of the history of Oprah. I have decided that in conjunction with watching the new episodes, I will watch every bit of the six discs in this box set. I won't write about every part of it, but I certainly intend to keep you updated. Soon there will be a post that I will link to in the sidebar, with a report of my progress.

I recently secured a full-time job, which will make this task all the more difficult, but I believe in myself. But perhaps that's just the sugar in my recent bowl of Lucky Charms talking, or maybe it's the holiday spirit.

Everybody have a happy holiday season. And don't worry. I did get you a present: you'll hear from me again before the end of the year.

She's Waiting

So, I guess Dustin is officially MIA for now. I'm sure he'll be saddened to learn that he was called out, and just left me looking like a weirdo on the internet.

I'm busy with work at the moment, but when I walked into the living room today, I realized that I can never truly escape Oprah.

Or at least that I can't escape Katie.

Not sure what you're looking at there?  Let's go in for the close-up.

Katie admitted this morning that she's fallen in love with Oprah, and she can't wait to watch this 20th Anniversary nonsense. I don't think I'll make it through this weekend without being forced to officially open this packaging and pop in the first disc.

And next week, we're getting some new shows. No idea what they will be yet, but they'll be new. Or at least that's what my DVR tells me.

In other words, you have plenty of reasons to keep coming back. So make sure you do.

Paging Dustin

I've already told you that Oprah and her "ultimate guests" audience have arrived in Australia. From what I can gather about her journey to the other side of the world, it's going very well so far. Just look at this picture of Oprah, Gayle and some guests, after being a part of the largest group ever (presumably not all pictured) to climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge (photo from Huffington Post):

Now, we can all wait for the episodes to air before we learn any more information about this trip. Or, we can use our very own in-house source, Dustin. I haven't heard from him in a while, but Dustin is my Australian reader. I may have more than just one, but he's the only one who's made himself known, so I'm staying loyal to him in my quest for information about what's going on Down Under. So, Dustin, if you're still reading, talk to us. What's the mood down there? Is it all Oprah, all the time? Or do people not really care as much as the Oprah team and one Australian correspondent would have had us believe?

We've got a week of repeats here, and I am sort of refusing to begin watching that 20th Anniversary Collection DVD, so I need your help, Dustin. Give me some content here. Don't leave me hanging.

Oprah: The Next Chapter

You can all thank my friend Jackie for this one. Last week, she requested (in a Facebook status, no less) that I watch Barbara Walters interview Oprah, then write about it on the blog. I gave in, mostly because I had to appreciate her willingness to use her own status to beg me.

There is no truth to the rumor that I was secretly looking for an excuse to watch this special.

Did anyone else watch this? My biggest complaint is that Oprah looked terrible. Something was going on with the lighting on her, because Walters looked perfectly normal (I mean, as normal as she can look after all that surgery), but Oprah just looked awful. Too much light on her face, and the HD only highlighted the fact that there may not actually be any hair in her eyebrows, and that she has skin issues just like the rest of us. Katie kept finding things to pop on Oprah's chin, and I just don't think that's the way any woman wants to appear on camera.

The special started off with Oprah singing the chorus of "The Gambler" (which you'll recall she did in part two of the Yosemite adventure), I guess in regard to knowing when to walk away from her show. Apparently she joked about the idea of creating her own network fifteen years ago, and Stedman took her seriously and thought she should do it. It took some time, but she wanted to create "mindful television," and she finally hooked up with the Discovery Channel to get the OWN network going. She was "very scared" during the process of setting up the network, and sometimes woke up and night "clutching her chest." But since she mentioned that all in the past tense, I suppose the fear is gone. Of course, that doesn't make sense, since there's no indication that the network will succeed, so I'd still be pretty terrified. But I guess she doesn't really have a whole lot to lose, so what do I know?

Dr. William Petit

If you want to know what happened to Dr. Petit and his family, Google it. I can't bear to write about it. I barely made it through the episode, as I fought back full sobs and Katie couldn't refrain from crying for virtually the entire show. It was excruciating. There is nothing more I can say about it, and I really wish I hadn't felt obligated to sit through the whole thing.

Be nice to each other.

12/6/10 -- Michelle Rhee, Michael Jackson, Jonathan Franzen

With this, I will be officially caught up, and I intend to avoid getting behind again, because this has been annoying. Tomorrow's episode is new, Friday's is not, and then it appears we will have all new episodes next week. I'm sure we'll get all repeaty again the following week, since it ends with Christmas, but no matter.

So, let me take you back to Monday's episode. Oprah appeared on screen, and Katie immediately said, "What are you wearing? The insides of a fish?" Not a bad guess if you ask me.

I swear pausing it in a way that makes Oprah actually look like a fish was a total accident. A happy accident, but an accident nonetheless.

11/29/10 -- Keith Urban & Nicole Kidman

Finally, I get to this episode. Yes, I realize it aired a week ago. I'm sorry, but catching up on the episodes around Thanksgiving was much more difficult than it needed to be. And yes, I did watch the episode that aired today, all about Michael Jackson, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow for that post.

Last Monday's episode began with Oprah refreshing our memories about the Australia giveaway. After we saw that footage, Oprah acknowledged that her method of telling! people! they're! going! to! Australia! made her a parody of herself. It's sort of funny when she recognizes those things.

So, staying with the Aussie connection, it was time for Keith Urban. Who I am convinced is actually a woman. Seriously, what is with that haircut? I'm starting to believe that he keeps a constant five o'clock shadow in an effort to not be called "ma'am" when he goes through security at the airport. This is, I guess, a metrosexual look, but it's sort of bordering on the "homo" end of that spectrum.

Once upon a time, Keith Urban had a substance abuse problem. When Oprah asked what "substance" was the problem, Urban's answer was, "alcohol and cocaine." Katie's answer, which proved that I wasn't the only one thinking that Urban is just waiting to come out of the closet: "Sex with men."

"But Erin," you'll say. "He's married to Nicole Kidman!" Right. And it's never been suggested that she was a beard for a popular entertainer who is attempting to hide his sexuality.

11/26/10 -- Thank You Day Follow-Ups

Once upon a time, Oprah decided people aren't grateful enough, so she created a "National Thank You Day." Based on this episode, this established holiday falls either in September or November, on any random day in those months. Not like, say, the fourth Thursday in November. That would be too weird.

Oprah stayed in the control room for this episode, again, just so she could introduce the old packages and the updates on where people are now. So you're just getting a recap, because I still have to watch the Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban episode, before we get back to the new episodes tomorrow.

Oh! Wait a second. I just went to the Oprah website to check my spelling on a name, and it turns out that three of next week's episodes (the ones airing Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, randomly) are repeats. Thank goodness for the holiday season.

Shortly after 9/11, a 12-year old girl named Alex wrote a letter to firefighters working on the rescue operation at the Pentagon. Miller, a firefighter from Tennessee, happened to read Alex's letter, and she became his hero. They met on November 19, 2001. The update was that they met again this year, at the Pentagon Memorial. Alex is now a senior in college. She and Miller are linked forever.

In 1994, Oprah showed the nation her audition tape, and surprised Dennis Swanson, the man who took a chance on her, to thank him. He was the president of ABC Sports at the time, and now he's the president of station operations for Fox. And if it weren't for him, there would be no Oprah. Send your fan letters or hate mail, as you see fit, to Fox Television.

11/25/10 -- Remembering JFK, Jr.

So, November 25, 2010, would have been JFK, Jr.'s 50th birthday. Which means that, since Oprah is obviously not taping a real show any time around Thanksgiving, the audience was treated to a clip show. And, let me tell you, that is a blast to recap. Which is why I'm not really going to do much here.

The show opened with Oprah in the control room, talking about JFK, Jr., and the interview they did together way back in 1996, to kick off Oprah's eleventh season. And then we got to watch pretty much all of that interview, interrupted a few times so that Oprah could repeat what the past her had already said in the 1996 interview, or talk about how nervous she was and tell us that, as a result of those nerves, she hated herself in this interview. She was not wrong in this impression of herself. She really was annoying. You could hear in her voice how nervous she was, and she was even more interrupty than normal. Her interviewee didn't really seem to say a whole lot, which is odd, considering everyone (or at least those obsessed with "Camelot") cared about what the dude had to say.

Seriously, there wasn't any information in this episode. JFK, Jr. doesn't remember much about his father, his mother didn't grant a single interview to the press, and it was pretty tragic when he died. He seemed like a nice enough guy, even though he was clearly uncomfortable being in the spotlight in that way.

Oh, and Oprah was wearing a sleeveless top, which is a terrible idea for someone with her arms. She was in a skinny phase at that point, except for those arms. The idea to go sleeveless becomes even worse when the wearer keeps raising and/or waving her arms. Accentuate the positive, Opes. Don't wave all that negative in our faces.


Next: Another clip show. Apparently Oprah invented the "National Thank You Day." Because she'd never heard of a little thing called "Thanksgiving," I guess. Anyway, the episode was full of "updates" on previous shows. So, just another clip show. Yay!

11/24/10 -- Garth Brooks

Remember when I told you about how I love The Judds, but I have to accept the fact that they're super corny? That's sort of how I feel about Garth Brooks. I will sing along to most any Garth song, and I love many of them, but I've always found his super enthusiasm and earnestness to be a little bit forced and a bit over the top. When I've seen footage of him in concert, it's always just a little much to me. And every time I've seen him in a place where people are applauding him, his shocked reaction just doesn't sit right with me. I mean, the dude has been doing this for how long? Am I really supposed to believe that he doesn't think that there will be adoring crowds anywhere he goes?

Perhaps I'm just being cynical. I guess there's a chance that someone can remain that grateful and excited about his life every day for two decades. It's unlikely, but I suppose it's possible. So maybe in the spirit of the season, I'll give Garth the benefit of the doubt here.

What I will not give him is my acceptance of his wearing a ball cap to appear on Oprah. And not just any ball cap. No, Mr. Brooks chose to wear a cap with his logo on it, with the words "Wynn Las Vegas" written underneath. So not only is he on a nationally televised talk show to promote his show in Vegas, he also has to wear a hat, just to make sure he covers all the bases. Look, I get it, Garth. You don't have much hair left. But you don't look bad without the hat. Couldn't you, at the very least, put on a cowboy hat? You used to wear one all the time. Better yet, maybe you should just accept your baldness and handle it gracefully. I feel like I have room to speak on this, since I've been going bald since I was eighteen. And yes, I wear a hat or scarf daily. But it's a lot easier for a man to rock the bald look than it is for a chick. So own it, Garth. I'd have a lot more respect for you if you did.

11/23/10 -- Marrying A Killer; Marrying Christ

This is the first of four episodes that I missed while spending my Thanksgiving at my grandparents' house. Actually, while this episode was recording on my DVR at home, I was sitting at a dead stop near exit 87 on I-84 in The Dalles, OR. For two hours. With a very bored little boy in the backseat. Not really the best part of the journey. But maybe better than sitting through this episode of Oprah.

Meet Tracy. She's 47 years old, and she had a "traditional" middle class upbringing in northern California. She has a teenage son, Ryan. Also? The woman is absolutely insane. Here are a few hints.

She's been on a "spiritual path" lately that is just changing her life. She is part of an African dance troupe (it should be noted that this is a white woman we're dealing with) that attends some sort of "celebration" at a prison every year. At this prison a few years back, Tracy met Joseph. There was an instant connection, which they both felt, and which Joseph solidified by holding out an empty hand and dropping his "heart" into Tracy's open hand. Tracy couldn't stop thinking about Joseph, but waited a year (until the next African dance troupe performance) before doing anything about it. And then she decided to just jump in to this relationship.

Oh, and Joseph is serving two life sentences without the possibility of parole, because this one time he shot five rival drug dealers, execution style, as they begged for their lives, and two of them died. I couldn't help but wonder why all five of them didn't die, since it's pretty hard to miss when you've got a bound victim on his knees in front of you. But I guess Joseph was a failure in everything he attempted in life. Until he found a new mommy in Tracy, that is.

Holiday Madness

Four days without Oprah. I feel like I'm suffering through withdrawal. What am I supposed to do, knowing that I've missed edge-of-your-seat programming like "Remembering John F. Kennedy, Jr." and "Astonishing Weddings" and left you hanging without any idea of what I think about such material?

Now, you might think I'm pretty high on myself if I believe you've actually been waiting anxiously for my take on these episodes. Luckily, I've got readers like "Erica," who help keep me in my place when my head gets too big. In case you don't go back and read all of my posts every day, just to keep yourself refreshed, here's what Erica had to say on the "America's Worst Cooks" post:

FUCK YOU! if you really don't like oprah that much then why don't you find something better to do than put her down. what have you done in your life? created a school in africa? yeah i didn't think so. why don't you take your lazy and annoying ass and put your self to something more useful than writing numerous paragraphs about a show that everyone loves. you are a fucking piece of shit for writing something like this. i hope you go to hell!

Just go ahead and add a big ol' "[sic]" to the end of that thing, because while Erica wants me to put my self (I'm assuming that would be two words in her world, much like "your self") to "something more useful," I'm guessing Erica doesn't believe that learning English--including proper grammar, spelling, punctuation, capitalization--is something useful she can do in her own life. Erica, Erica, Erica. I guess it's also useless to tell you that you've completely missed the point of the blog, since I'm quite certain that any form of comedy beyond fart jokes is far above your pay grade.

And why don't you even let me answer your questions before you assume the answers? That seems really unfair. I bet you'd feel really bad if I told you that I have, in fact, created a school in Africa, right? Boy, would that be egg on your face! Next time, maybe let someone get a word in edgewise. Let's have an open dialogue, okay, Erica? That's how we effect change in this world.

Oh, and just go ahead and do a Google search for "hate Oprah," and then come back and tell me that it's "a show that everyone loves."

Thanks for stopping by!


I'm heading back home tomorrow, and will be home either Sunday evening or Monday afternoon. Next week, we're looking at four repeat episodes. This is good news for a certain blogger who needs to catch up on some missed shows. So, stay tuned.

Erica, that means you.

Oprah's Ultimate Favorite Things -- Day Two

The winter weather conditions here in the Portland area made it so that I had to join Oprah already in progress today. Only 90 seconds into the show, but it still meant that I missed exactly how she tricked the audience. The fake set was basically the same as on Friday, and when I joined the program, Oprah was picking up an ornament that had rolled from somewhere and landed near her. This is when people began to understand what was going on, and then Oprah officially told them it was day two of her "Ultimate Favorite Things." Cue the insanity.

Okay, I literally just spent the last 40 minutes distracted from this post because I couldn't pull myself away from a website I just learned about: STFU, Parents. And since I'm getting up super early in the morning to make my drive eastward for the holiday, I am now sorry to tell you that it is you, dear reader, who will suffer because you're just not going to get a really thorough post.

There are basics that you should know, like that Gayle flew in to be in the audience just so she could see how happy everyone was. Or that Stedman was in the control room (though we saw no proof of this), attending just his third taping of the show. Guess you have to marry a guy to get him to actually be supportive, huh, Opes?

Also, in this episode we still didn't learn much about who these people in the two audiences were. In the beginning, Oprah introduced them as "heroes, givers, ultimate viewers." Then there was mention of a group of cookie-baking friends who help charities, and a teacher who funds scholarships for students. But where the hell did these people come from? How did Oprah's staff find out about them? I'm so confused.

On to the gifts. If you feel like commenting, I have a game. Pretend this was The Price is Right, and this show and Friday's show were the two packages in the Showcase Showdown. You won the most in your game, so you get to decide whether to bid or pass. So when Drew Carey asks, what do you?

11/19/10 -- Oprah's Ultimate Favorite Things

Want to know what's not one of my ultimate favorite things? A peritonsillar abscess. But I'm on the mend, folks. And I'm glad I wasn't on anything stronger than Advil when I watched this episode, because it is weird enough watching 200 people lose their shit over getting some candles from Oprah.

You know the deal, right? Oprah does this every year. Has for a while now. She can have whatever she wants, and she probably gets a lot of it for free even though she can certainly afford it, so she passes it on to her audience once a year. There's probably a debate in here about rampant consumerism and greed and the proper way to use all that damn money, but screw it. Let's get to the stuff!

The show started off weirdly, with Oprah standing in front of the audience, two chairs behind her and the rest of the stage covered by a sort of screen. Oprah somewhat vaguely told us that the audience was full of people who "give back" all year round. Not a lot of details there. Later she mentioned something about a woman going to Africa to do some stuff, and some other woman saving homeless dogs, but there are no real stories. I have no idea how this audience was chosen. Did people write in about themselves? Did friends write in for them? Or are they really just a random bunch, but Oprah wants us to believe they're deserving of all this stuff? Who knows? Who cares? Stuff!

Oprah was wearing a weird outfit, which I said made her look like a bumblebee. Turns out it was just for show, because after some babble about the importance of meditation, Oprah told her audience to "meditate on this," and as they heard the sound of jingle bells, Oprah tore off her bumblebee outfit to reveal the more Christmas appropriate one underneath. That was kind of hilarious. Oprah was wearing tearaway clothes, for god's sake.

11/18/10 -- Makeovers with Carson Kressley

My sister tells me that having a peritonsillar abscess is no excuse for skipping a blog posting. Yesterday I was plagued by an inability to swallow without insane pain. Like, every time I forced myself to choke down some water so I wouldn't completely dehydrate, I also had to punch myself in the leg. I got a milkshake, and I didn't want any of it. Maybe you don't know this about me, but I might cut off a limb if it meant I could get some ice cream. So, this whole not wanting a milkshake business? Not normal.

This is all to say that I am disagreeing with my sister. I firmly believe I was well within my rights to slack off this week. Even now, drinking water or trying to eat applesauce or another milkshake is not the most pleasant experience, but it seems like the antibiotics and anti-inflammatory drugs are working their magic. Which means that next week's excuse will be the holiday, and not this blogger's extreme illness.

And now I have to tell you that I don't even know how to write about a makeover show. It's not like I took pictures of every couple who got the Carson Kressley treatment, so what good does it do for me to say, "This was a good makeover" or "They looked really great"? Answer: It does no good at all.

So, Kressley has had some major work done on his face. And Oprah herself looked like she could use a makeover during this episode. It's not that she looked bad; it's just that she didn't look like a woman with a nationally syndicated talk show. Unless that nationally syndicated talk show is about women who've just gotten back from the gym after a long day at work.

That's all I have. I'm not joking. Carson has had work done, he's super gay and seems nice enough, and Oprah needed to have him give her the once-over before she came out on stage. The end.


Friday: Oprah's Ultimate Favorite Things

11/16 & 11/17 -- Barbra & Miracles

Today I did something I've never done before, and hope to never have to do again: I watched two episodes of Oprah, back-to-back. I don't recommend this, but I didn't have a choice. I'm on day ten or so of this illness, and after a few days of feeling like I was getting better, the thing has officially come back to, it seems, seek vengeance for some wrong I've committed.

So, I've been up the last two nights, coughing like crazy. All day today, I've suffered through a sore throat that is specific to one tiny location in my throat that seems to remain unaffected by even the largest quantities of Chloraseptic. My ear hurts. My glands are so swollen and tender to the touch. I am, in other words, not a well woman.

And so I skipped a day. But I can't allow this to continue, so I'm here, writing from bed at 8:30, Vicodin on board, prepared to crash the second I hit "publish post."

First up, Barbra Streisand. I hadn't been looking forward to this one, and when I started it, Katie asked me why I don't like Babs. I didn't have a specific reason, other than I've always gotten the impression that the woman is a bit of a pompous asshole. It didn't take much for Streisand to prove me correct, because once she came out on the set, she sat in the chair on stage left, and Oprah sat in the chair on stage right. Read that again, then ask yourselves how many times you've ever seen that happen. Oprah never sits anywhere but stage left, which means that Barbra must have something in her contract about only being shot from her left side. That means that even on Oprah's own show, Streisand is more powerful.

If you're a huge Barbra fan, I'm sure you just loved this episode. Streisand talked about only liking to sing when she's not in front of an audience, because she feels pressure when she's in front of the audience. So, Oprah made her sing "The Way We Were." I've never seen the movie, and the first time I heard the song was when the "adult" Tom Hanks sang it over the phone to his mother in Big. I preferred that version.

11/15/10 -- The Color Purple Reunion

During my last semester of college at NYU, I scheduled every one of my classes to fall on a Thursday. This meant I had no classes any other day of the week. Of course, it also meant I had classes all day Thursday, from about eight in the morning until nine in the evening, so that really sucked. The final class began around eight p.m., and I can still remember the feeling of dread I had walking up to the building for this class every week. It was Global Women's Writing, which featured an annoying teacher and fifteen other chicks who all seemed to want to be there to read the kind of "I am woman, hear me roar as I write bad beat poetry and/or prose" stuff we were required to read.

The only author I can remember from that awful class is Alice Walker. Alice Walker wrote The Color Purple. We didn't read that one in class, and I have in fact never read the book, but that doesn't matter. I associate Alice Walker with the worst class I have ever taken, and Alice Walker wrote this book. So by extension, I hate the book and everything associated with it.

Okay, that's not entirely true. I've seen The Color Purple one time, and I remember virtually nothing. I guess I thought it was a little melodramatic, and that I could take it or leave it.

So, I guess you've gotten the impression that I wasn't exactly excited about this reunion episode. I was mostly indifferent, and just looking to get through it. I watched it last night, and took notes, and then stayed up until 3:30 a.m., coughing my brains out because my cold has moved into my lungs. So, writing about Whoopi and Oprah reconciling over a non-existent fight was not high on my to-do list.

11/12/10 -- 200 Men (and Tyler Perry) Part II

Last week, when the first part of this "landmark" special aired, it somehow completely slipped my mind that I have a son. How about that? Somehow, my one-year old boy didn't enter into my consciousness while watching a show about male victims of sexual abuse. It wasn't until after the episode aired, and even after I'd written about it, that it finally dawned on me. When I told Katie, she was all, "Duh." Apparently she had been thinking about Merritt the entire time. That's some awesome parenting right there.

Of course, Katie is on top of this stuff. Even though Merritt is a baby, and is never really around anyone but us or his father, she's always on the lookout for signs that something is amiss. When we were in the grocery store two weeks ago and an older gentleman spotted Merritt in the cart and tried to get him to wave, Katie smiled obligingly, waited for the man to leave, then said, "That guy was trying to groom Merritt."

All that said, I don't think I would have written the last post on this subject any differently had I remembered that I have a potential victim of sexual abuse sleeping under my roof. I can realize my job to protect Merritt from these predators, and still be annoyed by both Oprah and Tyler Perry.

This episode was just more of the same, really. Though I guess this week's stories were more geared to how the men are dealing with their lives now, as opposed to what happened to them as children. One fat dude in the audience hasn't had sex with his wife in eight years because he's so traumatized over what happened to him as a child. His wife just needed to take one look at his neck (or lack thereof) and count her blessings, if you ask me.

We heard more from Dr. Fradkin, who has a Ph.D. and has worked with over a thousand male sexual abuse victims. You'd think that would make him pretty knowledgeable on the subject, but don't go telling Oprah and Tyler that. Otherwise they might think it was wrong of them to interrupt the dude frequently to interject their own asinine commentary. Here's an idea: if you bring an expert on to the show, maybe give him a chance to finish his own sentences. There's a chance that his doctorate degree trumps your 25 years as a talk show host, or your experience dressing up as an old, crazy black woman.

Marie Osmond

I have not yet decided on what will be Ope-book #2, so for today's episode I didn't even take notes. And that's probably for the best. I could write about Marie Osmond's ridiculously over-plumped lips, or Oprah's heinous gold outfit (which a friend of mine said she thought was an "ode to Osmond's Vegas show"), or how I thought it was lame of the Oprah team to keep in the moment when Marie had to start over with the song she was performing in honor of her son. Such an emotional moment couldn't possibly have been trimmed out of the episode, right, guys? That would be just as bad as ditching the fog machines or the starry backdrop with the gauzy white curtains. Just not an option.

I could write about how I think it's weird that 100% of the proceeds from Osmond's new album will be going to the Children's Miracle Network. Wouldn't it make more sense for them to go to some sort of suicide hotline or something else related to the cause of her son's death? I'm glad she's not making a profit, but she's putting out an album (available at Wal-Mart!), and on it is the aria she sang on Oprah, which she apparently did for her son, because he loved that she sang opera. So how about honoring him further by donating the money to where it might help prevent another mother from going through the same thing you're going through?

So, yeah, I could write about all of that. But suicide doesn't really call for much more snark than what I've written above. It's affected the lives of a lot of people, and it's an awful, awful thing to deal with when it happens. And I speak from just the smallest amount of experience: Two weeks from today will be the eighth anniversary of my sister's childhood best friend's suicide.

I wrote about Lisa's death back in 2006, so I'm just going to end this with an excerpt from that post. And given that so many kids these days are driven to suicide because of bullying due to homosexuality, I also want to share the link to Dan Savage's "It Gets Better" project. Someone, somewhere has to tell these kids, gay or not, that what they're going through right now will pass.

From "Lisa," posted on November 26, 2006:

Al, Lisa and I went to the mall at some point that weekend in Newport. I don’t know what we were talking about, but the conversation turned to the idea of perception. Al pointed to a blue sweater and said that we could all be seeing it as a different color, since there was no real way of knowing what someone else was seeing.

As I try now to come to grips with Lisa’s death, the only thing I can think is that maybe that problem of perception is what got to her. Maybe the shade of blue Lisa was seeing in her world was too much for her to handle. And maybe I just can’t understand because I don’t know what it was like to look at things through her eyes. I just hope that things look a little different to her wherever she is now.

Tomorrow: Part Two of the 200 Men (& Tyler Perry) saga.

Talk Show Hosts

Look, I don't know how Oprah does this. She has what are supposed to be heavy-hitting, or at least emotional, shows, followed right after by a bunch of fluff. It's a quick adjustment for me to make, to go from the rant against Bush's appearance yesterday to a giggle over Sally Jessy Raphael telling the audience that she got her trademark red glasses simply because she once got a pap smear, and that entitled her to a pair of glasses for $19.95.

I guess I don't have to wonder how Oprah herself manages this shift, since she thought the Bush episode was all fun and games anyway. So to her, pretending that she actually thinks of herself in the same category as any of the people who were on the stage today (other than probably Phil Donahue) is the same as pretending that George W. Bush isn't a hateful man who essentially destroyed this nation.

I kind of don't know what to do with this one. The show featured Phil Donahue, Sally Jessy Raphael, Geraldo Rivera, Montel Williams, and Ricki Lake. At one point, Oprah asked the guests if they had ever regretted a show they had done. Donahue said that some episodes lasted longer than others, and Oprah commiserated, saying that sometimes she can't believe it when "Dean" (I'm guessing that's either her stage manager or director) tells her what segment they're on in a particular show, because she's already so bored.

Yes. Exactly.

So, Donahue started this for everyone. His show was syndicated for 26 years. He had controversial topics. He introduced the idea of going into the audience so they could ask questions of the guests. I liked the dude.

Bush

To me, being the leader of a nation as influential as this one requires a little thing called nuance. You have to be delicate about things. It's not cool to just go around imposing your will on every nation out there, just because you fancy yourself "the leader of the free world." No. You have to use diplomacy. You have to be willing to compromise. You have to want to say, first and foremost, "Okay, I see where you're coming from, and since we're all citizens of this planet, let's find a way to work together."

Being that leader also requires intelligence. Nuance is a part of that intelligence, since you have to know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em, so to speak. Grammar is a part of that intelligence. So things like, "Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" shouldn't ever come out of your mouth. Especially when it's not the only time you've ever said anything like that. No, actually, especially when you are seemingly physically incapable of putting together more than one grammatically correct sentence in a row.

So, we've got intelligence and nuance, along with a whole bunch of other things required to be the president of this country. That is, they were required prior to 2000, when a good ol' boy somehow wormed his way into the hearts of the American people (or at least into the hearts of the Supreme Court, who decided, without constitutional authority, that he should be crowned the winner) and took over this nation. He then promptly drove it straight into the ground with his aw-shucks-I'm-from-Texas-isn't-being-dumb-funny-who-likes-the-intellectuals-on-the-left-talking-down-to-us-normal-folk-I'm-going-to-get-Osama-dead-or-alive-and-did-I-mention-I'm-from-Texas-and-I-enjoy-clearing-brush attitude. He alienated other countries (and Republicans took the stance--or maybe they always had this belief--that it shouldn't matter what other countries think, because we're America, god damn it) and alienated half of the citizens of his own nation.

And then he took a giant surplus given to him by his predecessor, and turned it into the largest deficit in U.S. history.

Oh yeah, and he started an illegal war that killed thousands of American soldiers/airmen/Marines.

Katherine Jackson

I'm sick. And not just because my stomach is churning over the idea of watching George W. Bush smirk his way through an interview on tomorrow's show. No, I'm legitimately ill. Running a fever and everything. I can't even remember the last time I was sick, so this is weird. A few hours ago, I was certain I wasn't going to be able to write this post, or even watch the episode. But Sudafed, Tylenol, and the love of a good woman can do magical things. So here I am. You're welcome.

Let me just say that this was sad. The weird Jackson history aside, it's never easy to watch a mother who has lost a child. But I do also need you to know that I was never into Michael Jackson. I didn't get the phenomenon. Shortly after Michael's death, a black friend said I probably didn't get it because I'm not black. And to that I say: neither was Michael Jackson.

Insert rimshot here.

So, to Katherine Jackson, or "Mrs. Jackson," as Oprah called her throughout the interview. This interview, like the one with J.K. Rowling or the cast of The Sound of Music, featured its very own graphic. Oprah's name was still in a bigger font than her interviewee's, but this time the ampersand dominated the graphic, so much so that it looked like Oprah and Katherine Jackson were interviewing an ampersand. Seriously, look at this thing:

The house in that image is Hayvenhurst, which has been the Jackson family home for the last 40 years. Oprah continued her habit this season of going to interview people in different locations, so she traveled to Encino, California, and sat with Mrs. Jackson in her home.

11/5/10 -- 200 Men (and Tyler Perry)

I'm torn about this episode. I know it's important for victims of sexual abuse to speak out about what happened to them. I know that it helps other victims, and that it might even allow potential victims to stop the abuse before it begins.

But I also know that this episode was so boring. You'd think a bunch of stories about sexual abuse would at least be compelling, but they weren't. This episode just dragged on and on, and Katie even fell asleep before it was over. I stayed awake because it is my responsibility to do so, but we went to bed right after the credits rolled. Here's why that should mean something to you: We got in bed, and five minutes later, our phone rang. I wondered who the hell would be calling us so late. Katie got up to answer the phone, but missed it, and noted that it was my sister's number on the caller ID. Then my cell phone started ringing, and I wondered why my sister would be calling us so late. Katie picked up her phone to check the time.

Katie: It's 8:56.

So, you see, Oprah had bored us to the point of exhaustion, so that we had to retire to bed before 9 p.m. On a Saturday night.

And it wasn't just boring. It was also ridiculously dramatic. The show opened with Oprah standing on the stage, surrounded by a bunch of men, each of whom was holding a picture of himself as a child. No music played in the background. Oprah pointed out all the men, and then there was just silence as the camera panned the audience. I rolled my eyes and groaned. I couldn't help it.

I guess they went to commercial or something, and when they came back, Tyler Perry was on stage with Oprah, and we got to watch a recap of his appearance on the October 20 show. And because I both watched that episode and wrote about it, I got to fast forward through that. Perry appeared to be wearing almost exactly the same thing in this episode as he was on October 20. Just a slightly different jacket. And his beard was only marginally thicker.

Teen Heartthrob Surprises

Oprah started off this week by at least giving me shows I could relate to, what with the gay people involved. And then yesterday's was about camping, which I've never done and never will do, but at least it was funny.

But I knew today's show was going to be completely foreign to me when Oprah opened it up by saying, "Everybody had some dreamy heartthrob's poster on their wall, right?" Um, no. Not everybody. I remember that I liked New Kids on the Block when I was eleven or twelve years old, but that was entirely because my best friend Natalie liked them, and I thought I was supposed to as well. I claimed that Jordan was my favorite, but I really didn't care. I didn't have his poster on my wall, and I didn't go to sleep holding a Tiger Beat or kissing it goodnight or whatever.

I can't relate at all to the screaming adolescent girls who go crazy for these boys. Who, I might add, pretty much look like girls themselves at the height of their popularity. I don't know what it says about young girls, but there is a tendency for them to gravitate to the male singers who are slightly more effeminate. Sometimes the boys are pre-pubescent themselves, and sometimes they just look that way. But either way, the soft, sometimes feathered hair and the even softer features seem to be have always been big selling points in creating a phenomenon that would make those little girls lose their minds. It was true back when guys like Shaun Cassidy and Donny Osmond were big, and it's true now. Do you see anything virile about the Jonas Brothers or Justin Bieber?

So, I spent a lot of this episode shaking my head in disbelief. I had crushes on girls when I was younger (though I often didn't know that's what they were), but it was never to the point of screaming or crying about it. It's just hard to wrap my head around this concept. That's all I'm saying.

Oprah & Gayle's Big Yosemite Camping Adventure: Part II

Oprah and Gayle are funny together. That theory was advanced in part one of this Yosemite camping adventure, and confirmed in part two. These two can make some entertaining television when they feel like it.

The episode opened with Oprah emerging from the Coleman camper that she supposedly gave away to Woody Square in part one. Gayle came out next, and I swore she came from another camper on the other side of the stage, while Katie insists that Gayle came out of the same camper as Oprah. Since I deleted the episode, I may be unable to prove either of us correct. Anyone remember the beginning of the episode?

Oprah introduced us to a recap of part one, which made me giggle all over again, especially when we got a replay of Oprah squeezing the lime with her teeth. In the new footage from their first (and last) night at the campground, we started with dinner. Gayle thought Oprah should keep it simple, with maybe a burger and a Pepperidge Farm onion bun (I bet PF liked the free publicity there), but Oprah was not having that. Apparently she likes to cook, and her crew had provided her with quite the food supply, so she decided on making some sea bass. At a campground. In an interview taped later, Oprah said that she and Gayle have been friends for 30 years, and Gayle has never cooked even an egg or a piece of toast in all that time. So cooking was Oprah's job.

One of the neighbors from part one dropped by to give Oprah a recipe for chile relleno, which Oprah did not pronounce correctly. When the neighbor left, Oprah put on some goggles (as you do) and got ready to cook over the raging fire she created. But the flames were so intense that they had to sit and wait for at least 30 minutes before the thing had died down enough for cooking. They made the sea bass, and made some potatoes that took too long to cook. So long that after their meal, we got a shot of the potatoes still on the fire, along with Oprah saying that "by tomorrow, those potatoes will be done."

11/2/10 -- Ricky Martin

Part two of Oprah & Gayle's Big Yosemite Camping Adventure is airing in roughly three hours. But first I have to get through writing about Ricky Martin. I guess I should never have told you people that I have a rule about posting before midnight on the day an episode airs. Now you expect me to follow through on that one, and here it is after noon the following day, and I have yet to write a word. Such a disappointment.

Ricky Martin has been gay forever. We've all known it since the day he showed up on the "scene." According to Oprah, Martin "gave one of the most explosive performances in television history" at the 1999 Grammys. With this and calling Ellen and Portia "one of the most celebrated couples in history," I have to wonder who's writing for Oprah these days. Whoever it is sure likes superlatives. Does anyone actually remember that Grammy performance? I don't. I guess I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I mean, it wasn't Madonna rolling around in a wedding dress or anything.

Anyway, despite the fact that most breathing human beings have always known that Ricky Martin is gay, he only officially came out in March 2010. After how many years without really being in the spotlight? Guess it seemed like the right time for him to get back in the public eye. Maybe he had always been afraid of ruining his career, but it's hard to ruin a career when you don't have one to speak of, right?

Ricky and I disagree on something, and thankfully Oprah ends up being on my side in this debate, too. After talking about a Barbara Walters interview in which Walters asked Martin about the gay rumors, Martin said, "When someone is not ready, we must not try to force that person to come out."

11/1/10 -- Portia de Rossi

Roughly eight years ago, I was at a bar in Los Angeles with a group of friends. Some of these friends were straight, and some were gay, and we were all at a bar called "The Abbey" on a Thursday night. Thursday nights at The Abbey had become "lesbian nights," even though The Abbey wasn't technically a gay bar. So, my friends dragged me, kicking and screaming (probably literally), to this bar, mainly so that I could be the one to hold their purses while they were on the dance floor.

I don't dance.

At some point during this evening, one of us noticed a woman standing against a wall. Ally McBeal had just gone off the air at some point that year, and all of us were familiar with the program. So when we saw this woman, we instantly recognized that it was Portia de Rossi. She was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, with a hoodie tied around her waist. Her hair was pulled up in a ponytail, and she did not appear to be wearing any makeup. And still, all of us (maybe four or five people, all women, but some straight) agreed that de Rossi was easily the most beautiful woman we had ever seen in person. She was simply stunning.

Cut to about eight years later. Today, in fact. At the beginning of today's episode, Oprah introduced de Rossi as "half of one of the most celebrated couples in history." And I groaned.  Apparently I'm to believe that Ellen and Portia are the Antony and Cleopatra of our day. Excellent. This was a good start to a show that existed so that de Rossi could highlight her new book, "Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain," which is all about her battle with eating disorders and being gay.

10/29/10 -- Oprah & Gayle's Big Yosemite Camping Adventure

Big title. And this is just part one of two. The second airs Wednesday. And I, for one, can't wait.

The thing about writing this blog as a non-fan of Oprah is that it can often be a daunting task. Mostly, until these last few episodes, I struggle because I can never figure out what I'm going to write about when the episode features former hostages or rape victims or Jenny McCarthy. But Oprah surprised me this last week with two episodes in a row that I thoroughly enjoyed. And I've had to worry about how to be cynical and funny about Oprah when I actually find it entertaining.

I hope you watched this episode if you could. Because this was funny. Here's where I think Oprah is at her best: When she's not telling you what awesome, expensive thing she loves, or preaching to you about what life lessons she's learned and expects you to learn in the hour you watch her one afternoon. When she's a real human, things get interesting. And often funny.

I just got back from spending the day at the Columbia Gorge. Inspired by Oprah's attempts to connect with nature, Katie and I decided we should brave the chilly weather and head out to see some of the fall colors and some pretty awesome waterfalls. See how Oprah keeps changing me in little ways? It's sort of annoying.

Oprah had a pretty easy day of shooting for this episode, since she just sat on her set and introduced the taped pieces of her adventure with Gayle. The set was kind of funny, with a forest backdrop, a campfire, and even the trailer she took with her to the park (or one just like it). It looked like the "Showcase Showdown" on The Price is Right, if Barker's Beauties were trying to get you to figure out how much you should bid on an awesome camping package. And if Barker's Beauties ever wore nice jeans and a pretty yellow sweater, like Oprah chose for this day's taping. Her "relaxed" look, if you will.

Coming Soon

I'm still reeling from how weird I feel for liking (loving?) two episodes of Oprah in a row. You can imagine that this has been quite a shock to my system. So I'll have to wait until tomorrow to post about Friday's show.

Here's a preview: I laughed. A lot.

The Sound of Music

I wouldn't call it a strict tradition, but some time in the Christmas season most years, my family sits down and watches The Sound of Music. My brother hates the movie, but my mother, sister and I love it. I'll have to ask my dad his opinion, but I'm willing to bet he enjoys it, too. The thing is, it feels sort of weird to be watching the movie when we're not quite in the holiday season (despite the decorations you may have seen cropping up at your local retail establishments), even if the movie is by no means Christmas themed.

I love this movie. Love, love, love it. So this reunion was fun for me, and it meant that at the end of an Oprah episode, I was actually sort of sad there wasn't more. That was a first, though I might experience it again tomorrow when they air Oprah and Gayle's Yosemite Adventure. Two fun, good Oprah episodes in a row? Why, a girl could get used to this.

What's that you say? Monday features Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres? Well, suddenly I have come crashing back to earth, and we haven't even gotten through the two good ones yet. Thanks a lot, Opes.

Oprah, I think most of your viewers are pretty confident about what show they're watching when they tune in to you, so maybe we could ease off with your name on some of these graphics, huh? Is there a reason that the "O" in "Oprah" has to be as big as the title of the movie? Can't we just know that we're watching Oprah and get a graphic that says "The Sound of Music Reunion" or something?

Jane Fonda

Jane Fonda was just another in a long list of Oprah guests this season who come on the show and talk about how much they've learned in life. Linda Evans, Ali MacGraw, Jenny McCarthy, Terry McMillan; all of these women have impressed Oprah with their ability to look at the big picture and realize what's important.

Of course, seeing that big picture is a lot easier when you have a big pile of money to prop you up, so that you can get the best view. So it's easy for Oprah to say, when she had an "aha moment" because of something Fonda said, "What if our entire culture rested on, 'how do I become more whole?' Wouldn't this be a different world?"

It'd be great. But in the world right now, "becoming whole" doesn't help me pay the rent. So that's where I'm going to put my focus.

I barely took any notes for this episode. There was more talk about sexual abuse. Fonda said she'd never had intimacy in any of her relationships, but now she does with her new "lover," Richard. Barf. Fonda mentioned that she got her dog (some small, ugly thing) because she saw Streisand singing to her dog on Oprah a few years back, and she liked the dog. Whatever season that was, let me just say how grateful I am that I was not "watching Oprah" back then.

Oprah plugged the big Yosemite episode, which airs Friday, saying that she went on that road trip because, "not enough black people go camping." Fonda gave Oprah a high five on that one. Is that allowed?

Fonda gave Oprah a lot of praise during the episode, and at one point said, "I follow you closely." Well, that makes two of us, Jane.

Fonda likes to fly fish, and she dances every day with her "lover." Fonda and I would have nothing in common at all.

I couldn't really get into this episode, because I just don't care about Jane Fonda. But at the end, Oprah had Fonda look at pictures of her co-stars, and say the first thing that came to mind. When Dolly Parton's picture showed up, I realized that I had completely forgotten about 9 to 5. I worship that movie, and because of it, Jane Fonda can do no wrong in my book.

And that's all I have to say about that.


Tomorrow: The Sound of Music reunion! That's a legitimate exclamation point there, not a sarcastic one. I am seriously excited about this.

America's Worst Cooks

Jessica Seinfeld has a lot of money, thanks to her marriage to Jerry Seinfeld, but she'd like to make more of it by trying to make you a better cook. I don't think I'd ever seen Jessica before, and all I can say about her now is that she looks like she's about twelve years old. And that she really should have had someone from Oprah's team look at her hair. She had one of those half ponytail deals happening, but she missed a bunch of hair on one side of her head, so the whole thing just looked uneven and weird. Plus, a navy striped shirt paired with a sweater with black sequins? Come on.

Now that I've judged the metaphorical book by its cover, let's dive into what's in Jessica's actual book, "Double Delicious." It tastes good, and it's easy to make. I guess that must be what the "double" is referencing. Apparently people sent in some videos of themselves, talking about why they might be the "worst cook in America." At that point, I thought they might make a competition out of it, which might have been fun. But that was not in the cards. Instead, some of the "worst cooks" were on the show, and we got Jessica teaching them (and everyone else) how to make fast, tasty meals for their families.

Yes, it was about as boring as I just made it sound. One of the worst cooks, Darlene, made me laugh when she revealed (in her home video) that she keeps scrunchies in her Crock Pot. She brought those props with her to the show, but pronounced it "scrungees." Oprah repeated the pronunciation as though it were perfectly normal. So either I'm crazy, or Oprah was just trying to be nice.

10/25/10 -- The Cobles

I know I broke rule #5, but I swear I had a valid excuse. It was a rough night, to say the least, so writing this post wasn't exactly high on my list of priorities.

I don't know what to say anyway. Most of the episode focused on Chris and Lori Coble, who lost all three of their children when a big rig slammed into the back of the family minivan. The children were Kyle, 5, Emma, 4, and Katie, 2. Tragic story, to say the least.

Oprah had them on the show because she wanted people to know that no matter what you're going through, you can always find a way to get through it. It's a good message to hear, and I guess if the Cobles can survive what happened to them, the rest of us can survive what we're going through, too.

Three months after the accident, the Cobles decided to have more children. Seems a little soon to me, but who am I to judge? Apparently they got pregnant right away, because nine months later, almost a year to the day after the horrific accident, Lori Coble gave birth to triplets. Two girls and a boy.

Oprah called it a miracle. I think the miracle is lessened because the Cobles had to use in vitro, and were therefore more likely to have a multiple birth, but it's still pretty cool that it ended up being triplets, and that they ended up having two girls and a boy again.

The last third of the episode was devoted to Colin Goddard, who is a survivor of the Virginia Tech massacre on April 16, 2007. Goddard was shot four times, and now he's become a sort of gun control advocate. He's part of a documentary called Living for 32 (named for the 32 people who died at VT, as well as a reference to the 32 people who die, on average, every hour due to gun violence in the U.S.), in which he traveled to different gun shows to illustrate how easy it is for someone to buy a gun. In some cases, the seller did not even require Goddard to show a driver's license to purchase an AK-47. I have some opinions on guns, which coincidentally I wrote about right after the Virginia Tech incident.


Today: America's Worst Cooks. Quite a change of pace from Monday's episode. I'll take it.
 

10/22/10 -- Lady Killers

Quite the theme for this episode. It began with the story of Diane Downs. In 1983, she claimed that after a botched carjacking, a stranger shot her three children as they slept in her car. One of her daughters died, while the other had a stroke, and her son ended up paralyzed. Police and prosecutors said the story never added up, and Downs herself was found guilty of the crimes. Her two surviving children were adopted by, of all people, the prosecutor in the case. They are now in their 30s, and wish to live private lives. So not everyone bends to the will of Oprah, I guess.

Oh, but wait. Downs somehow got pregnant after being arrested, and gave birth to a daughter ten days after the conviction. That girl, Becky, is now 26, and she had no problem coming on Oprah to talk about her crazy, crazy biological mother. Learning about the identity of her mother apparently sent Becky into a downward spiral of drinking and drugs, even though her adoptive parents were awesome and supportive. I don't know, either. It doesn't really make sense.

Anyway, Becky began writing Downs after Becky had to give up her own son for adoption. After a few letters, it became clear to Becky that Downs was, in fact, crazy. Downs told Becky that people had been following her (Becky) all her life, trying to kill her, and that Downs herself was in prison because her government official husband was keeping her there. She began signing the letters, "Mom and Dad," despite her refusal to divulge who Becky's father is.

Becky's adoptive parents were upset about this communication at first, but then understood. "They say it's my story, and if it's gonna help somebody, tell it," Becky said.

Perhaps I'm just dense, but exactly how does Becky's story help anyone? Is the lesson here to make sure you don't get put up for adoption by a crazy woman who attempted to murder all your half-siblings before you were born? I can't wait until the letters start pouring in to Oprah, all about how Becky's story was an inspiration and a saving grace.

The Trouble With Having Two Blogs

I wrote a post about tonight's Yankees/Rangers game, and I accidentally posted it on this blog first. I only mention it here because, even though I deleted the post from this site, it's still showing up in sidebars as existing. Stupid blogger. So I'm posting here so that I can refresh people's sidebars with a post that is actually here.

And I kind of wanted to promote the post over on my other blog, anyway, since I'm sort of sickly proud of it. So why not head over there and read it?

Be sure to tune in tomorrow morning for my take on today's episode of Oprah.

Lisa Marie Presley

The thing about Lisa Marie Presley is that, no matter what, she always looks high. Her eyes are so strange. Also, she's got quite the monotonous voice. There's a chance she's a robot. And you all should know how I feel about robots.

I'm wondering if Oprah did this Lisa Marie interview around the same time she did the one with J.K. Rowling, since Lisa Marie lives in England, and that's where the interview took place. But, it is Oprah, so I guess there's a pretty good chance she just gets on her private jet and has it fly her wherever she wants to go, whenever she wants it.

Or maybe Oprah has wings, and she doesn't even need the jet. Don't discount this theory--can you prove that Oprah doesn't have wings? I didn't think so.

Back to Lisa Marie, who has the weird distinction of being close to two different pop star dudes who ended up killing themselves with an abundance of drugs. Anyone ever thought to blame Lisa Marie for her father's death, or for Michael Jackson's?

Too soon? Okay.

Oprah mentioned twice during this episode that she and Lisa Marie went hiking this summer. I find that to be the strangest thing. Did this hike take place in California? Chicago? England? How are these two friends? What do they talk about on a hike? Celebrity life is weird.

Even weirder is that Lisa Marie mentioned that John Travolta was one of the first to text her after Jackson died. What the hell is going on? Does Travolta have some connection to Michael Jackson that I don't know about? Or does Scientology and/or penance for being secretly gay mean that he has to automatically comfort a celebrity when anyone close to that celebrity dies?

During the entire interview with Oprah, there was a random Apple laptop sitting on a desk. Open. They never referred to it or used it any way. Was this product placement? Or was John Travolta watching via iChat?

Tyler Perry (un-vetoed)

Even if I had never made up the veto rule at all, my post on Tyler Perry probably would have been short, because I would not have wanted to write everything I actually think about the dude. But since some people (ahem, Sarah) apparently think it's cheating for me to exercise the veto rule, I'll give you pretty much exactly what you would have gotten without it.

Bear in mind, however, that I still reserve the right to veto. The challenge is watching the show, and I will still watch the show, even if I can't bring myself to write about it. I'll decide later if I still have two vetoes left, or just one, after this whole debacle.

Tyler Perry shot to fame because he dressed up as a fat black woman and parodied that character. It's not funny. I have never seen anything even mildly humorous in a Madea movie. I doubt I ever will. The dialogue is incredibly cheesy and ridiculous, and the plots are absurd. And not absurd in a good way.

Tyler Perry started to really take over the world when he made some other movies that were more serious, or at least were intended to be serious. But I laughed out loud quite a lot during the trailer for Why Did I Get Married? and it was never in the supposed comedic moments of the film. The thing was corny and trite and pandering.

Now, I realize that Tyler Perry's programming is meant for a certain audience, and that I definitely do not fit into that audience. It's truly unfortunate that, for whatever reason, black people can't be featured on shows and in movies to the same degree that white people are. But if I were black, I would be truly offended by the stuff Tyler Perry makes.

And here's why I feel I can speak a little bit to this issue: I am a lesbian. There are so, so many terrible, terrible lesbian movies out there. Go watch a movie called Go Fish. Or, for a more recent example, go try to sit through The Kids Are Alright, a movie which basically tells us that all women really just need a little cock in their lives to make things better or to get the attention of their partners.

10/20/10 -- Tyler Perry

A funny thing happened on the way to writing this post. Fourteen minutes and thirteen seconds into the episode, I paused it, looked at Katie, and said, "I can't do it. I hate this guy. I don't want to have to write about him and look like an asshole."

Seriously, though, have you ever tried to sit through an episode of Tyler Perry's House of Payne or Meet the Browns? Have you actually laughed at any of the Madea movies? I haven't. I've seen clips, and I've cringed. Tyler Perry is so, so rich because he makes terrible movies, and people go see his movies because the black community is underrepresented on film and television. But do you really wanted to be represented in that way? Ugh. It makes me crazy.

Okay, but there I go writing about it, which is exactly what I'm not planning on doing. When I said I couldn't handle the idea of an entire post about Tyler Perry's molestation, Katie had a brilliant plan. She told me to write about the rules I have established for myself for this blog, and then to add the new rule we just came up with: veto power.

The rules are, obviously, self-imposed. No one, with the exception of maybe Katie, is making sure I obey them. They are as follows:

1. I must watch the episode on the evening it airs.
2. Except on Fridays. I do not require myself to watch the episode on Friday night, so I try to watch it and get the post up at some point on Saturday.
3. I must take notes in the Ope-book (except on the occasions, like with J.K. Rowling, when I decide to "live blog" the episode).
4. I am not allowed to fast forward through anything but the commercials and really painful musical performances.
5. I must write the post before 11:59 p.m. on the day the show airs. Again, except on Fridays.
6. I am allowed two vetoes over the course of this farewell season. This means that I can decide to just not write about two episodes. I still have to watch the episodes, though I don't have to take notes. And I still have to write about something that day.

The Next Big Thing

This episode was slow and painful, but not nearly as bad as I expect tomorrow's episode to be. Tyler Perry. Dear god. Have you ever had to pull out a dry tampon? Think back to that moment, and then you'll have some idea of what Wednesday's episode will be like for me.

But for now, Tuesday's episode. Oprah spent the episode exploring what happened to "the next big thing." There were several of those "next big things" on the show, and then different taped packages about people who had been on Oprah, and then had their careers explode. Oprah didn't necessarily say there was a connection, but I'm sure she likes to take credit for the careers of people like Jerry Seinfeld, Mariah Carey, Jennifer Hudson, and Chris Rock.

First up on the show was Susan Boyle. After a short introduction, she launched right into a musical performance, randomly singing a cover of "Don't Dream It's Over," by Crowded House. It was not bad, but not super inspiring either. She was backed by a pretty large choir, all dressed in white robes. At first, both Katie and I thought we were going to get a black gospel choir, which would have been cool. But as the camera panned the choir, we realized that wasn't the case at all. "Nevermind. It's the KKK. There are no black people in there," Katie noticed.

Susan Boyle was really packed into her dress for this appearance, which means that a pair of Spanx has never had a more important job. Look, we all know that Boyle is not the most attractive woman in the world. And I'll admit that I took a picture of my screen after I paused it on the first solo shot of her, intending to point out how hideous it was. But after listening to her talk about being bullied as a child, both psychologically and physically,  there is no way I could be a part of that same pattern. Why make fun of someone for something she can't help? She's got an amazing gift, and she seems to be taking the fame in stride. She is the kind of person you want to root for in this world, and even if her Scottish accent is nearly indecipherable at times, I'm just going to stick with the first thing I ever wrote about her, and leave all the negative stuff out of it.

16-Year-Old Kills His Molester

The title really says it all. Back in January, a kid named Daniel "snapped" and stabbed his molester 55 times. Daniel got out of jail (where he's waiting until some sort of other outpatient-ish facility opens up, since he's only serving five years probation for involuntary manslaughter and aggravated assault) in order to do this interview with Oprah.

The molester was a "bachelor" who wormed his way into the family's life, and spent a year working on getting Daniel to trust him. Then he spent two years molesting the poor kid, paying him off with money and access to cool cars. It's, unfortunately, a classic story. And even though Daniel's parents were wary, and went with Daniel to the molester's house every time he was invited over for the first year, the molester still managed to get what he wanted. Scary.

One thing really bothered me in this episode, though I'm sure most people missed it. At some point, Daniel's father, Terry, said that his son's shame is awful "from a male's point of view." I'm not even sure I can totally explain why this rubbed me the wrong away, except it seemed to imply that a boy being raped by a man is somehow a greater shame than, say, if Daniel's female teacher had forced him to have sex. Or if Terry had a daughter who was raped by a dude. Either way, it's rape, Terry. The "shame" is not greater just because your non-gay son was raped by a man.

The second half of the episode was devoted to a woman named Ellie Nesler, who shot her son's accused molester in open court. Essentially, this woman destroyed her family's life with this action, since she was (obviously) arrested and sent to prison. Her children were separated, and though she got out of prison in 1999, she went back in three years later for selling meth. Her son, Willie, went off down a bad path that eventually led to him being sentenced to 28 years to life for "stomping a man to death." Ellie died of breast cancer in 2006, so now her daughter is motherless and brotherless. So, good mom.

Recap over. It's nearly midnight, and I've promised myself that I will get all these posts up by midnight every night, except for Fridays. Not much to say about child molestation. Tomorrow, though, it's Susan Boyle and some little girl who sings like an angel or some shit. And Wednesday, Tyler Perry.

I. HATE. Tyler. Perry.

So, between Susan Boyle, a child phenom, and a man who singlehandedly makes the worst movies in the world, I'm just gearing up for an awesome week of Oprah.

10/15/10 -- American Heroes

I think I was under the impression that Friday shows were supposed to be on the lighter side. That did not prove to be the case this week, as this was all about women and the military -- specifically former military service members who are homeless after leaving the military, and current service members who are in danger of losing their children as a result of deployment.

In other words, a real bummer of an episode. And though I took roughly the same amount of notes I take for a normal episode, the longer I look at them, the less certain I am that I can do anything other than write a recap, which I don't want to do.

The military aspect aside, it is difficult for me to really get into the issue of homelessness, because I feel like I am constantly on the verge of being in that position in my own life. I've never experienced anything like this, but it is, I guess, one of the perils of deciding to start your life over, even though you have no money and no job prospects. Maybe you haven't heard, but this economy sucks. Big-time. I went from spending six years only working if I felt like I wanted to, and not because it was necessary, to being desperate to find any source of income at all so that I can support my family. So, watching women going through the same thing, and then having to write about it, is a little too much for me.

Ah, see, now we've gotten too personal for the intent of this blog.

So, a quick recap: Alicia and Mickiela are both homeless after years of service in the military. There aren't a lot of resources for the roughly 6,500 female veterans who live on the streets. Alicia in particular finds it hard to ask for help, largely due to her pride, but also because, as she says, "it's hard to say you're drowning when your mouth is full of water."

Major Tammy Duckworth lost her legs when an RPG hit her Blackhawk helicopter. Now she's the assistant secretary of veteran affairs, and she seems committed to fixing the problems these women (and many others, including men, of course) are facing. She said that Obama wants to end homelessness among veterans within five years.

Sister Wives

Before I even started this episode, I wrote down a note that said, "Polygamists screw things up for the gays." And after watching the episode, I worried about how I would be able to write anything negative about polygamy, knowing full well that plenty of people connect the two "lifestyles," since both are considered non-traditional. You know the drill. A politician rants about how legalizing gay marriage will lead to legalizing polygamy, then legalizing sex with children, then allowing people to marry goats, and so on.

I'm always against the "slippery slope" defense, which seems to say that once we make one law, we won't be able to stop ourselves from making the next one down the line. Because remember how making it a law to wear your seatbelt in the car led to the law that required every human being to wear a helmet at all times of the day, even while sleeping?

No? You don't remember that? Probably because it doesn't make any sense. Kind of like the idea of a human legally marrying a goat. And like how criminalizing murder doesn't lead to the criminalization of giving someone a dirty look. Laws are established for a reason, and since our particular constitution is a living document, it allows for the possibility that society changes, so the laws might have to change with it.

Second, I can't say for sure that I'm totally against the idea of legalizing polygamy. If consenting adults of legal age want to call themselves married, I don't understand the problem. The fact of the matter is that the government shouldn't be involved in marriages in any way. It's one thing to say that the government needs to protect the children.  That's fine, and if polygamy is doing a lot of damage to children (which I think it probably is, which is why I can't come out and just say that I am absolutely for its legalization), then the government should probably have a say. But if the kids are all right, what business does the government have in getting involved in any marriage between any consenting adults?

The best part of all of this is that those who are often most against non-traditional marriages are those who claim to be a member of a political party that believes in less government interference in a private citizen's life. By their own logic, if you want to take your gun with you everywhere, and you want your church to be tax-exempt and you want to be able to protest funerals and not hire gay people for jobs, that's all well and good, and the government shouldn't get a say. But if you want to marry someone of the same sex, or have more than one spouse at a time, well, you're going straight to hell. And before you get there, we'll make sure you are never treated as a full citizen under the law.

Are You Normal?

One thing you need to know before you even start this one: I kind of fell in love with Oprah during this episode.

Thursday, I'll be subjected to the "stars" of the new show Sister Wives, and Friday it's "American War Heroes - Why Are These Women Now Homeless?" so this love will be short-lived. But it's there now, and all because Oprah talked about poop.

Okay, not just poop. In reality, she endeared herself to me in the very beginning of the episode, which was all about whether or not the stuff we think is weird or abnormal is really so different from what everyone else is doing. People want to know how they fit in with everyone else, so Oprah gave her studio audience little devices with numbers they could press to vote on the different questions she asked.

The first question was, "How often do you have sex?" 42% responded, "it's been a while," and 37% responded, "at least once a week." One woman raised her hand when Oprah asked if anyone had sex just before they came to the show. I'm guessing she didn't press the button for "it's been a while."

The next question was where Oprah had me officially hooked. It was, "Have you ever faked it?" Lots of giggles from the audience, and Oprah couldn't wait to answer. I laughed out loud when she said, "It should be, 'who hasn't faked it?'" That's when I realized that this Oprah, the one who was around for the majority of this show, is the one with whom I could be friends. Assuming she doesn't sue me for this website.

Please don't get litigious, Opes.

So, when you're wondering about what's normal, and you're looking for expert advice on the matter, to whom do you turn?

Why, the arbiter of normal himself, Dr. Phil. And his absurd teeth. Look at these things:

Veneers whitened to the point of blinding anyone who looks directly at them? Totally normal.

Love Story

I suppose the movie Love Story does something for a lot of people. Or at least it did 40 years ago, when people went crazy for the romance and the ridiculously odd line, "Love means never having to say you're sorry."

I was negative ten years old when this movie came out, not even a glimmer in my thirteen-year-old parents' eyes. Which doesn't mean it's impossible for me to have seen it, but I never have, and I didn't get a chance to watch it before today's episode. So I don't know if my opinions would have been swayed if I had managed to get Netflix fired up to give the movie a go. All I can say is that I found Ali MacGraw to be grounded and well-spoken, and Ryan O'Neal to be a weird, plastic dude.

I suppose it's easy for MacGraw to be grounded, since she hasn't been living in Hollywood for quite some time. So when she spoke to Oprah about women getting plastic surgery to look young, and the "duck lips" that often come with that choice, it was a lot easier to believe that she meant what she said. As opposed to, say, Teri Hatcher.

When MacGraw first came on the screen today, Katie looked at her and said, "I don't want to age." And then Oprah asked MacGraw how old she is, and MacGraw said, "71." I had to pause it because I was so shocked. Katie took back what she said, and I just sat there for several minutes, flabbergasted. I shouldn't have been that surprised, given that the movie for which she and O'Neal were reuniting is 40 years old. But still. She looks good. And if she has had work done, she should give that number to every woman in Hollywood. A few in particular. I'm looking at you, Meg Ryan.

There was a lot about MacGraw's meteoric rise, her marriage to Steve McQueen, and her fall from grace in Hollywood, but I'm not going to bother recapping it. There was a slight dip in my appreciation for her when I found out that she's a spokesperson for PETA, but I'll try to overlook that.

Mark Fuhrman

My god, was anyone else bored to tears by this episode?

Mark Fuhrman. Fifteen years ago he was a detective on the O.J. Simpson case, and he became the villain of the piece (maybe, in the eyes of some, even more so than the man who quite obviously brutally murdered two people) because he lied about having ever used the n-word.

So he's written a few books, and he came to Oprah, thirteen years after he appeared on the show and told everybody he wasn't a racist. Yawn.

Seriously, I don't feel like any major bombshells were dropped today. At one point, while going to commercial, the "coming up" told us that Fuhrman had a "shocking message" for O.J. But then we came back from commercial, and at some point in that segment, with little fanfare, Fuhrman said that he doesn't think O.J. went to the house to murder Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman, so it shouldn't have been first degree murder.

I'll give you a second to catch your breath.

I think the worst part is how bad I felt for Oprah during this interview, because Mark Fuhrman is a terrible interviewee. He cut himself off in the middle of sentences to start anew, and he sometimes mumbled over words. Oprah thought he said he "would" have answered the phone again when they called to give him the case, were he able to go back in time; he had to repeat it twice before Oprah, or anyone else, understood he was saying "wouldn't." Kind of changes things a bit, huh?

He also seemed to be one of those people who sort of thinks he's intelligent enough to speak in metaphor or use big words, but messes those things up just enough that he just sounds like an idiot who's trying too hard. Like when he said, I think about looking back to the past and regretting what he did, "If I open that door, it's a never-ending...door." Eloquent. Or the time he wanted to say two things had a "convergence," but instead sounded like he said, "convergion." Slip of the tongue, you say? Perhaps. And if this intrepid reporter had thought to write down more examples, she'd be able to refute that point. Alas.

I guess I'm just glad that I now officially know that Oprah thinks O.J. is guilty. Because, seriously. Dude killed some people. I really can't believe how badly the prosecution blew that case, and how ridiculously inept the jurors had to be to agree that there was even a hint of reasonable doubt. Morons.

Also? Mr. Fuhrman is against the media, and thinks there's no such thing as investigative journalism anymore. So he pays the bills these days by being a correspondent for -- wait for it -- Fox News Channel. Because, according to Fuhrman, "Fox News is different." Holy crap.

For that reason, I don't feel the least bit guilty that when I've thought about Fuhrman, I've heard his name the way Dana Carvey says it at 0:47 into this stand-up:



Oprah mentioned that she often dreams about getting to interview O.J. and having him confess to her that he committed the murders. Want to know what Oprah looks like when she's cocky enough to believe that O.J. would finally admit what he's denied for a decade and a half? You're in luck!

Tomorrow: Ryan O'Neal and Ali MacGraw from Love Story. The movie is on my Netflix instant queue, so maybe I'll have a chance to actually watch it before the show, in the hopes that I can make a note of what O'Neal looked like before he decided to turn himself into an old lesbian.